2012

Hi! Now it's 2012. No more cambrian.com, so sad. Gotta rehost all the blog pics somewhere else and relink them. I wonder about Faceboom and Twiller. Maybe blog following was better.

Legos July 2010

Holy Duo

So, Jesus dies on the Friday and is resurrected on the Sunday.
That makes Saturday "Party-Like-There's-No-Jesus" day!
It's true! The Holy Trinity was back to the two original cast members.
After 33 years they decided to take a break for a while - just hang out, the two of them.
Maybe finally play a proper game of Scrabble without a third player there fucking up the dynamic.
Plus, it's kind of a showbiz thing - a little suspense for the humans.
"Hey! He's really dead!" the humans said, "No, he's just a big faker! There he is!"
It's the ultimate slapstick.

Christ!

Holy shit! Viva paper towels are amazing!
They're like a cloth/paper hybrid!
http://www.vivatowels.com/
The future is amazing!

R.I.P. Ted Kennedy

In 1951 it was he who charged us - long before space travel was a daily burden - to do the impossible.

"We should commit ourselves, before this day is out, to landing a man on the Earth and returning him safely to the Moon."

Never happened.

At least I've got everything but my health?

Wife, family, job, cat, house, car, gizmos.
That's all cool.
Lacking oxygen still - working on that.
...and I'm about a billion pounds overweight.
That's gonna be a tough one.
In the meantime I'll be disoriented and exhausted beyond reason except for about two hours a day and excruciatingly crushed by merciless gravity.
More on this developing story later.

Entrepreneur

My business partner Steve is away in the Hamptons looking for venture capital so that we can form the world's first 24-hour pornographic AM radio station.

CPAP machines are a terrible disruptive miracle.

Vertigo

Went to second sleep study Wednesday night, this time I wore positive pressure air mask.
Thursday Midnight: 1st mask + sleeping on back = fail.
2AM: 2nd mask + sleeping on side = success!
Slept until 8:30, awoke exhausted but was WIDE awake in about 10 minutes.
Astonishing sense of jetlag being that awake in the morning. Not normal protocol for me.
2 hours later, intense vertigo. Couldn't walk or move. Went to sleep. As I fell asleep I experienced loud screeching in left ear for split second. Fruitless search for bed parrots. Fell asleep for 1 hour.
Awoke with vertigo, called sleep center. They said "Never heard of such a thing." Escalate to more senior doctor, still "Can't be related to mask. Go to doctor/ER."
6PM, Sue takes me to walk-in clinic. They have no idea, prescribe Dramamine for vertigo.
I take Dramamine, sleep for unknown amount of time, move to living room and sleep there for unknown reason. Lots of nightmares.
Friday AM: Awaken with tingling face and hands, see colorful patterns. Too exhausted for work/driving.
Told employer "Going for full-body wax, big job, overnight stay required on Thursday, need vacation day for recovery." Will need to use sick day - exhaustion, disorientation, mild vertigo, memory loss. Patterns and tingling (hypoxia) subside.
Now writing like Rorschach from Watchmen.
Hope to find better sleep clinic that is familiar with vertigo side-effect, another study with mask.

Innumeracy

$165 million dollars in AIG bonuses is an outrage, no doubt, but let's keep that in perspective.
What about the other $169 BILLION dollars? The media and the government overseers should give that a bit more attention. Here's an 'Outrage Proportion' graph for ya.

That $170 billion dollars could provide $85,000 in expanded unemployment coverage for every one of the two million folks who've lost their jobs since the collapse began.
That's about two years income for the people who have taken the real hit in this crisis.
Once again we see the most basic economic truth in action.
People = Shit

Good time to panic

Rather than waiting for the economic crisis to properly reach out and crush me I have decided to start panicking now.

Alternatives and solutions for a post-economic world:
Crime
Agriculture
Hoarding
Purchasing weapons
Suicide
Migration
Communes

Time to start making choices.

Exploding toilet

I am in receipt of a message from the Town of West Hartford Metropolitan District Commission entitled
Sanitary Sewer Cleaning and TV Inspection

That's right, TV Inspection.
I presume TV is an acronym for something but they never say.
They do go on to recommend that I keep my toilet seat down
"...in the event that a pressure build up causes a spray."

First things first:
Sanitary Sewer?!
I've seen the inner workings of those things and the last adjective I'd throw at them would be "sanitary". Why, my "sanitary sewer" backed up into my basement a few years ago and the whole place was so fresh and clean that I needed to call in people with a van full of powerful equipment to put on environment suits and vacuum away all the springtime fluids and odors. And, let's face it, some springtime solids also.
This is a direct quote from the guys looking INTO my gaping sewer outlet to the street. This was said with a totally straight and flat delivery.
"There are some awful things in there."
These guys do this all day and night for a living for years on end but they saw fit to comment on my unique contribution to the industry. Wow.

Next up:
TV Inspection?!
It's got to stand for something and I apparently am expected to know what it means.
Turd Valve? Toilet Valet? I hope mine is extra nice so it passes inspection.
Maybe they actually mean television. I am prepared to have my television inspected by the state if that's what it will take to defeat terrorism.

Lastly:
Keep my toilet seat down in the event of a SPRAY?!
A spray of what? I bet it's lots of fun, whatever it is!
What is keeping my toilet seat down going to prevent if there should be a pressurized geyser of liquid sewage strong enough to reach from the street all the way into my house and up the pipe? I'm not sure I buy the whole toilet seat defense maneuver in much the same way that I didn't believe that duct tape and plastic was going to keep the atom bombs out of my house in 2001.

I aren't getting enough oxygen for my brains and cells

My sleep study lady calls me up and says I stopped breathing 25 times an hour during my study and my blood oxygen dropped from 95-100 down to 83. For perspective, 85-90 is what you get with serious emphysema. 60 is what you get shortly after you've died!
Turns out that if you have sleep apnea the worst thing to do is take a central nervous system suppressor. Apnea means either my brain is not sending the 'breathe' impulse properly or my fat body is not responding - probably both in my case. Add to that a CNS drug like, oh, say Clonazepam.. or Sertraline.. or Amitryptiline - and you're going to be one drowsy fucking corpse. I take all three of those pills just to be sure I'm nice and calm so I can sleep properly. Follow that? Probably not. See, then I don't breathe and then I can't really sleep and don't get any oxygen so I'm sleepy all the fucking time and extra fatigued and I can't remember anything and I always take my pills before bedtime but the the...
zzzzZZZZZ.
What?!
So I'll go back to the sleep folks and try out a nice breathing apparatus for a night - it'll be like sleeping in scuba gear, that should be a challenge.
So, in review, the answer to "Are you getting enough oxygen?" is no.

National Weather Service issues a warning for Falling Satellite Debris

Daily geek report: I must at least mention the collision of two satellites over Siberia and the insane sounding National Weather Service report out of Kentucky.
This IS for real. The Iridium was a GPS satellite and was operational and has plenty of backups. The Russian satellite was a broken military communications thingy.

"In Soviet Russia satellite launches YOU!"

PUBLIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE JACKSON KY
1145 PM EST FRI FEB 13 2009

...POSSIBLE SATELLITE DEBRIS FALLING ACROSS THE REGION...

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN JACKSON HAS RECEIVED CALLS THIS
EVENING FROM THE PUBLIC CONCERNING POSSIBLE EXPLOSIONS AND...OR
EARTHQUAKES ACROSS THE AREA. THE FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION HAS
REPORTED TO LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT THAT THESE EVENTS ARE BEING CAUSED
BY FALLING SATELLITE DEBRIS. THESE PIECES OF DEBRIS HAVE BEEN CAUSING
SONIC BOOMS...RESULTING IN THE VIBRATIONS BEING FELT BY SOME
RESIDENTS...AS WELL AS FLASHES OF LIGHT ACROSS THE SKY. THE CLOUD OF
DEBRIS IS LIKELY THE RESULT OF THE RECENT IN ORBIT COLLISION OF TWO
SATELLITES ON TUESDAY...FEBRUARY 10TH WHEN KOSMOS 2251 CRASHED INTO
IRIDIUM 33.

The most obscure joke ever

So I says to the Dean at Housatonic, "Hey, watch out for the Hunley!"

This joke will only work if you are a History major or if you use Google.

Missing windshield washer fluid cap

If whoever stole my windshield washer fluid cap would just return it I promise that I won't be mad.

I fixed my bedroom door hinge and that burner on the stove.

Does that help in any way?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to sleep

Comfy?

Sleep study

Tonight I sleep in the arms of modern neuroscience.
Plastered with electrodes in a strange room surrounded by cameras, I will try to get a typical night of sleep.
The study starts at 8:30PM, at which time I will be awake.
I will continue to be awake until shortly after 3:00AM.
Soon after, the study ends at what the scientists have determined to be the typical Sunday wake up time - 6:30AM.
At that point I will put on my street clothes and be released into the wild.
There is a great likelihood that I will fall asleep and die in a car crash within 15 minutes.
Within two months the hospital will mail my wife a notice stating that I should lose weight and a bill for $22,000.

Science steps up to the plate

Ice cube spikes verified and explained!
Link to Caltech no less.

Old web posts about ice cube spikes

Back when Cambrian was a real website.

11 years of wacky ice cubes - 1998-2009

2009


1998

W's stupidity is contagious!

I

Barack Hussein Obama

do hold up

and execute

the President of the United States

in the office

with the Constitution

frequently.

Let's do that over.
Faithfully! That's what I meant to say!
I think I flubbed the last part.

2009 checklist

Intelligent U.S. president - go!
Nuclear warhead disposal - negative.
Global population at 2 billion - negative.
Free food for all - negative.
Free water for all - negative.
Free education for all - negative.
Free healthcare for all - negative.
Free housing for all - negative.
100% tidal/wind/solar/geo power - negative.
Electric cars - negative.
Effortless cure for my fatness - negative.
Airships - negative.
Globe-spanning high-speed maglev - negative.
Immersive audio-visual virtual reality - negative.

I'm willing to pay 60% federal tax! Bring it!
Feh. I'll settle for one more year of good health.

Back to my point

Ronald Eller.
Apparently he wants to euthanize the elderly and wants us all to pay more taxes to fund it. Granted, the elderly can be hard to catch - their wisdom makes up for their lack of speed - never the less, I will not support his use of digestive enzyme traps as the most humane method of disposing of America's "greatest generation". The entire concept seems morally gray at best, no matter how the bones are used.
No, Mr. Eller, I will not vote yes on your Proposition 12.

Wilkins Ice Sheet

Looks like Wilkins is cashing out.
Hey, fuck you, I always liked the Larsen ice shelf better anyway.
Wilkins...you're a pussy and just part of the problem, clearly.

Disappointing BM

Foot odor?
Bad breath?
Ronald Eller is to blame.

Ronald Eller makes the world a bad place to live.

Ronald Eller

His work reminds us all that things could be so much worse.
http://www.reller.com

He comes to me in my dreams and speaks to me in an ancient language I cannot understand.

I think he's telling me I'm going to die.

I think he works for satan, or possibly The Food Network.

Designed by M.C. Escher

My kitchen is a trapezoid.
Just a little bit.
Or maybe it's the counters and the floor.
Either way I'm not fixing it.

Concession

I want to thank George Bush, John McCain and president-elect Barack Obama for their gracious phone calls this evening.
Yes, I am better at Scrabble than all of you but that doesn't make you lesser Americans. I'm sure you will all grow up to be fine men in spite of this intellectual shortcoming and I offer you wishes for a happy set of upcoming traditional, religious and chronological holidays.
Particularly you George and John; you need to settle in with the family, memorize your "twos", and work on rack management or you really aren't going to be taken seriously again.
Thank you, and may God continue to bless those who believe in that sort of thing.
Any of you guys have any weight-loss advice?

The prophecy

Indeed I have been attacked by ghosts.
It's mostly just an irritant though.
The ghosts are changing key settings on my computer, making it impossible for me to play Half-Life 2.
The ghosts aren't particularly horrifying. They manifest as small, clumsy transparent people - frequently spilling things. Their "scares" are largely ineffectual and cliched. Owing to poor eye/hand coordination and outlandish costumes these attempts to frighten me seem more like slapstick than anything else. They apologize by explaining that when you're dead it's hard to be on your best game and that without access to coffee many of them feel unmotivated and drowsy until well into the afternoon.

This is a ghost?

I go to ALL the horror movies

Horror movies make me feel good because I know I'll never be haunted, hunted, mutated, possessed or subject to alien or paranormal influences.

On the downside the popcorn shells get under my gums and I'm not sure that's doing me any good.

It does promote flossing though.
It's all good.

The TV people say that I may be attacked by ghosts apparently.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/10/31/boo/index.html

Struggle for relevance

As I approach what I recently referred to as my "Firty-Forst birthday"* I struggle for relevance.

Should I evaluate my significance on a human time scale, 10 to 100 years?
If so, then I am one of the supreme consumers on the planet - located in the wealthiest area of the wealthiest state in the wealthiest country.
In order to offset my gluttony on all fronts I have chosen a path of sterility and a humble home well within my means and limited in impact on the world around it.
I pay my taxes and vote for those who seem least irrational.
My employer teaches the young to some extent and, in as much as I contribute to the group's well-being, I would like to think that I'm helping fend off ignorance and superstition without adding to the human clutter teaming around me. In this short-term human time scale I am, I feel, a neutral presence. A genetic dead-end to be sure and passively promoting conservation and rationality but never to an extent that would limit my enjoyment.

On any other time scale I am basically a microbe whose entire remains and cumulative impact will either be swept over by the sea or scoured from the land by glacial advances. Indeed it will be hard to prove that I ever existed in one thousand years. In a million years it will challenging to prove that my species ever existed.

So, in an effort to evade irrelevance I have chosen to evaluate myself on a daily and weekly basis. This week, in the face of potential economic breakdown, I have chosen to not contribute to the panic by preserving my paltry investments in an abstract financial system instead of withdrawing them and instinctively stockpiling food/water/medicine and guns. This coming Tuesday I will chose to vote for a nominally different candidate for president of my nation. Although a meaningless act due to the machinations of the election process I hope to contribute to a landslide victory for the man in my state, at least. His victory will likely end in disaster given all current trends but in this very short-term evaluation I will have made the right decision. This week I also contributed mightily to the distribution of candies to local youths. I'm not sure that contributing to obesity and diabetes among the young can be seen as a good thing but they sure do enjoy it and, in the short-term, that is all that matters. I'll support any initiative for greater health eduction and universal healthcare coverage for these young people if given the chance. So again, hopefully, I have had no long-term negative effect.

To quote a favorite television program "If you've done things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

*41st

"Ain't rocket surgery" - bad advice and hate

Hey, it's not tough to figure out that things are tough all over.
Main Street Americans are hurting.
The fat cats on Wall Street get bailed out and we have to get by.
Neither of these guys gets it, do they?
That's why I'm sure that neither candidate for president will get anything useful done and I'm sure that I've never cared less about things than right now when America needs me most.
Sure, I have a job and lots of people don't.
Does that mean I should try to help them out in some way?
I hope not, because I'm not going to.
Ha!
Wait, no, I have to give a shit because I pay taxes and they're going to get spent on some fishfucking nonsense war or other against Zimbabwe or Wisconsin if I don't choose the right guy. Also, it's good to help people, as long as you can talk them into a vasectomy. They're more likely to do it if they think your a nice guy.

Stop having babies is my point and don't go to church, figure things out for yourself.

Ask the following questions...
How does the universe work? What sort of morals should you have?
Choose from the following answers...
A)Figure it out for yourself.
B)Who cares
C)It doesn't matter
D)All of the above
The correct answer is D.

If you don't make much money try to steal from the rich or stop paying taxes.
Also, if things get really tough, don't eat your pets.
Eat your neighbors! They're much bigger and you won't feel any guilt.
And for christ sake don't buy the latest technology. That's what I do and look how fucked up I am!

Fix the what?!

So the Large Hardon Collider is down for at least two months because of a helium leak. I have always opposed the use of federal funding for colliding hardons, boners or what-have-you. I just can't see the potential benefit from this research and I think adding helium to the process isn't likely to improve the outcome any. Although, the squeaky voices might take the edge off for those directly involved.

Federal bailout

Citing recent weight gain and poor spending decisions I invoke the excuse that I am "too big to fail" and I am demanding that the Fed take over my debt.

Bad juju

I go to Home Depot and get my mirror on.
The guy cuts it all up and then throws huge leftover pieces of the stuff into a bin.
Bad luck.
I get checked out at the only open register; number thirteen.
Right then the store PA starts playing Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox.

For me the end of times has clearly begun.

Constant annoyance

Cell phones are a constant annoyance. Having said that, I want a better one that annoys me with reminders and email and can browse the web.
Windows Mobile phones aren't the solution just yet.

I got a Samsung i760 and it was lots of fun to play around with but ultimately the "User Experience" is still kinda crappy.

-The GUI out of the box is sluggish and obtuse
-The phone functions can be a little slow to respond (voice dialing, keypad)
-Windows Mobile is not a "touch" based OS even though it has a touch screen, you need a stylus just like my Palm PDA
-You can customize in a million cool ways but that makes is slower, sometimes unusable
-There is a ton of software for it, some freeware is great
-Having a keyboard is a must, 5 rows preferably so you can get all the numbers and symbols quickly
-A VGA or greater resolution screen is required for web browsing, 320x240 doesn't cut it
-Windows Media Player makes a crappy MP3 playing experience, can be replaced

So I returned it and went back to my ancient Motorola phone, which works perfectly, and my Palm TX PDA which has everything except a decent browser/VGA screen.


I await the HTC Touch Pro around the holidays. It has a VGA screen, better interface, 5-row keyboard, GPS and a million other things.

Fumes

The latex paint fumes have combined with the artificial sweeteners and I'm feeling "altogether ooky".
By which I mean I have the song "Jessie's Girl" stuck in my head.

Also, birds are taking dust baths in my front yard. Not gonna start watering though. Who wants dirty birds?

Won't you tell me how to get, how to get to...

During the process of painting my bathroom I think I've discovered a solid link between inhalation of VOCs (volatile organic compounds) and sightings of Big Bird.

Brainpan

The Romans thought the brain was a radiator.
Hey, all the blood flowing through it and that crazy croinkled surface?
Must be for dumping heat.

I've taken out my brain altogether but I'm not feeling any warmer.

I wonder if that's an old wives tale?

Listen Crazy Ivan

I don't care how bad your English is, you just can't say
"I'm going to do a surprise on you!"
and have people not laugh/run away.

True story.

Superpower

I've discussed this before but now I'm certain that I *do* have a superpower.

Prepare yourselves...

I KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO FART.

I don't mean short-term "Hey I'm gonna fart."
No, I mean I can generate a hyper-accurate timeline for the next several hundred days.
I'm going to use this knowledge to save innocent children and probably kittens.

Love machine

In a move intended to bring about Democratic party reconciliation, and to boost my own recently sour disposition, I have constructed a bio-mechanical Love Machine.



Unfortuately, due to a misunderstanding about the meaning of the number eight, Lockheed-Martin and NASA have landed my Love Machine in the north polar region of Mars.

Silver lining though, maybe it will bring some sexy hot love and melt all that ice.

Filled with hate?

I'm over 40 so I'm filled with hate?
Is that how that works?
Maybe that's right.
I missed the whole filled with hate phase as a teen.
I'll try to be good.
Over at my local college we're having an outdoor graduation this Sunday on campus for the first time. That's nice right? The state built a brandy new college campus for folks who can't afford to pay for a big name education. The governor who signed off on it was even a Republican, and so was her corrupt boss until he was sent to prison. He got what he deserved and the people got what they deserve. That's nice!

$8 gas is just the ticket

I have been secretly thrilling to the fumes of $4 gasoline.
Wow, I hope this keeps up, things might change.
Look at the passenger-less, multi-ton SUVs - good thing that soccer mom carries around 3 tons of metal and plastic to keep her company on her stop-and-go trips around town.
Look at the giant, unused, virgin-bedded pickup trucks - never done a days work in their lives. The tires are glossy and the body hasn't a scratch on it. You need a 'hemi' to idle in the KFC drive-thru for half an hour, keeps the A/C and mad bass beats kickin' nicely.

I wrote a little song. Like to hear it? Here's how it goes.
"Hey troops, here, let us consumers piss in your face. Take our piss you bitches."

I do rejoice at the prospect of $8 gas.
So does this guy.

Please explain, site specific examples

Silicon
Silica
Silicate
Silicone

I am not understand.

Back to Mars

I'd like to point out that my name is on Mars.
I'm not bragging, it's just that when your name is recorded on a

"unique DVD made of silica glass, and designed to last hundreds if not thousands of years into the future, when its true mission will commence. It carries nothing less than a message from our world to one centuries away, when humans will roam the Red Planet."

you have a lot of people asking you if you're "that awesome guy from the Mars thing".

Yes, I am.

Here, see for yourself, I'm listed under Kenneth Colangelo, certificate 1196899.

As a postscript try these names in the search:
"Jeff Goldblum" returned zero results
"Robert Plant" returned zero results
"Stephen Hawking" returned zero results

Fuck those guys.

Shitty Memorial Day

The deaths of those in Iraq have not served to make us more safe nor more free.
They were misled or willfully ignorant and led to their ineffectual deaths.
This weekend don't drive drunk...and never vote stupid.
Actually, if you're really stupid, make sure you drive drunk.
Just make sure it's in a remote area.
Have one for the road fuckheads!

Flattering diplomacy or clumsy manipulation?

You make the call.

I put a sign on our filthy oven that read
"This oven needs the love of a beautiful woman."

I thought I might end up on the working end of a rolling pin or frying pan upon returning home but much to my surprise I see that this is in fact a charming way to suggest your lovely wife help clean the oven. What a woman!

I think I might buy a helmet anyway.

Words to use more often

Hark
Dimwit
Yon
Half-wit

As in:
"Hark yon dimwit! Hark! Or are you really only a half-wit?"

Clearly not working out

This human race thing is clearly not working out.
You don't display any initiative.
You're so filled with terror and self-loathing you can't put one foot in front of the other.
Make a plan, set some goals.
Let's face it, you're getting bloated too. You're all over the damn place. You're too big for your own britches.
And look at this place, what a mess.
Jesus would it kill you to pick up once in a while!
Get rid of some of this shit, it's fucking everywhere.
Do something constructive for once you asshole!

Did I say this was about the human race?
I'm sure I did.

Sproing!

Spring is here by golly, what a simply gorgeous day!
Once again the Crunch Berry trees are in bloom and a mans fancy turns to thoughts of...
Whoa! This can't be the right image for Spring.

Personal marriage record

Booyah!
One year!
My wife has also been married for a year also! It's a tie!

XM

Extra medium i.e.;
Extra small
Small
Extra medium
Medium
Extra medium
Large
Extra large

I have a headache

Hey, my new shipment of DVD has arrived! Cool.
What?
Fuck?
I...don't...FUCKING WHAT!?

Arborversary Anti-felinoma Birthday

In order to commemorate these events:
A) upcoming one year wedding anniversary
B) upcoming wife's birthday
C) no brain tumor in Marvin the cat
D) my nephew considering a run in the Marines (?!), which actually sucks moose dick

I have planted a tree, kindly donated by friend and colleague Mike Z.
(Formally "His Viceroy to the Exchequer, State of Connecticut")

I want to wish the tree good luck under my stewardship and remind it that life insurance is more important than ever in these wobbly economic times.

This effort at interspecies understanding continues only a few blocks from my house:

Bush administration extends March Madness into 'at least July'

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- March Madness is "in the last throes," Vice President Dick Cheney says, and he predicts that it will end before the Bush administration leaves office.

We always hurt the ones we hit

Tried the iPhone for two days. Feh. No voicedialing, no Flash.
I'll stick wih my Palm TX. I prefer the sylus to the touchscreen keyboard. So sad Palm won't make a TX phone and none of their current phones hav voicedial either, and they all have such minimal browsers. Maybe I'll try an ATT Tilt.

Arthur C. Clarke

Another hero of the 20th century has passed.
Terrible.

"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
1- It's completely impossible.
2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing.
3- I said it was a good idea all along."

"Sir Arthur C. Clarke, a giant in the science fiction genre and early proponent of the geosynchronous satellite orbit, had died.

Recently, Sir Arthur videotaped his reflections on his 90th birthday, in which he talked about the future of space travel and more."

Oh my god!

Has anyone checked in on Senegal?
I totally forgot!
Shit, I hope they're OK.
Seriously, first thing in the morning.

Let's go buy hookers and ice cream with Spitzer!

Spitzer?
No, not the Spitzer space telescope, the governor guy.
He's funny.

I've always known that the telescope had the moral authority issue nailed.

Fewer evil spirits means less poison for McDonalds

Excerpt from NPR piece about McDonalds using the "not real" technique of feng shui to block evil spirits and ease the mind of it's suicidal customers...

"The doors don't align, so we confuse the evil spirits and they stay out."
Jenny Liu suggests that feng shui somehow reduces the negative aspects of greasy processed food.
"The mental is very important," her father agrees. "That part is stronger than the 'poison food.'"

Evil has always been confused by slightly misaligned doors.
Your mental attitude while eating poison will offset its effects.
My point? Fewer people would be a good idea.

NASA initiative

I want to congratulate the Bush administration on it's bold plan to fuck America to the moon.

Urgent!

Demons are untying my shoes!
In the last 3 days I have noticed a dramatic, some would say catastrophic, increase in the frequency
with which I have to tie my shoes.
This is NOT a joke.
I'm tying them literally 6+ times a day.
Yes, I'm using double-knots.
Yes, I'm pulling hard.
What the HELL!
What government or world organization should I contact?
Does the U.N. handle this sort of thing?

Go Pats!

I've got footballs fever!
I could paint myself or something, have a big party or something, but instead I'm supporting the Patriots by purchasing a novelty shower curtain.
It's called "Crazy Squares"!

Political junk mail Madlib

Dear Ken,
I don't need to tell you that it's getting harder and harder to [cling to a dingy] these days. It seems like the cost of everything from [optical tweezers] to a [trout growler] is going up and that the world keeps getting more complicated.
The worst part about it is that our [Weebles] in [Skunktown] don’t seem to get it.
That’s why I’m emailing you today.
We all know there’s an important [lunar landing] this year. We have a real chance of [filling our pants] and [cloning] [Aretha Franklins] who will ensure we all have access to affordable [bingo balls], a [hydroelectric dam] that [powers] a [suicidal midget drone], and a secure [Mongolia].

In honor of MLK I will sleep through his entire holiday

Wow, talk about coincidences. I joke about my pharmacist and I end up having a drug interaction.

"If you become agitated and then sleep for more than 32 hours you should tell your doctor, this may be a symptom of a side effect he doesn't really understand."

Nuf said.

Wacky pharmacists

"Hey dipshit!
Is that...um...new...Remeron...
uhhh...counterindicated...
with a Benzo'...
...like Clonazepam?

Did you fart again?

DAMN!...Jesus...oh...why can't YOU get some suicidality!"

My brain is in good hands.

Cloverfield

I've seen it twice now and I'm truly happy.
Someone will see it soon and say something that will make me hate it.
"What? You didn't notice that the monster was wearing a Wisconsin Cheese Hat?"
My defense will be this...the world needs GIANT MONSTERS.
I love giant monsters.
I want to be a giant monster.
Man needs giant monsters to keep him in his place.
I pray for giant monsters.
Monsters with no reason for even existing.
Monsters who just want to destroy us and ALL our stuff.
Monsters who like to eat us, lots of us.
"Did it evolve? Is it an alien? Is it from another dimension or time?"
These questions will not matter when 30-story indestructible demons are maniacally running through and over our greatest creations and out into the suburbs and countryside.
I like 'persons' but I hate 'people'.
So, I say, good luck Cloverfield monster thing!

Throwing hat

I'd also like to announce that I have launched an exploratory committee to assess the possibility of a presidential bid by me in 2012, seeking the nomination of the newly established Chex Party.

Scrabble ninny

While he accuses me of moral cowardice and anti-Chex Party Mix leanings I would suggest that blogger Steve Douglass is, in fact, someone who I can consistently beat at Scrabble despite his increasing aptitude and enthusiasm. I hereby challenge him to an online match - best 2 out of 3, 25 minute tournament rules - to be held at an agreed upon date as yet to be agreed upon. ?!
Also, here's a link to his article recognizing my recent article about his return to blogging.
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

Return of the Snake Attack

Although it did appear that Steve had succumbed to the attacking serpents, he has re-emerged like a Christmas zombie!
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

It's no normal blog, it's extra safe. Locked down with a secure certificate that wards off the weak and simple.

Also, Bolivia <-> Oblivia. What was Simon Bolivar thinking?!
Now I'm never going there.

A message from our sponsor

Steganography?
Priapism?
Marburg virus?

Try Dr. Bamford's No Soap soap alternative!

Don't make fun of him

I think my cat is functionally illiterate.

Everything is fine

That last posting was totally uncalled for.
I'm having some stress at work and there's this guy with glasses that's following me around.

I think he's after my new PDA.

Discouraging

Have you ever been so discouraged that you wanted to take off your pants and do butt scoots on the carpet like a dog with worms?
Now THAT'S discouraged!

SETI

Search for Evergreen Tree Intelligence. See, they have their dish pointed at the tree, instead of the sky which is where the satellite is. That's the joke as I see it.

Hi, my name is Ken...

...and I'm a Futurama geek.
(Hi Ken!)

Good news!
The new disk (disc?) is out and it's brilliant! Bender's Big Score!
Everyone go out and buy at least one of the Futurama movie DVDs so Fox will make more for me. Just buy them and throw them out if you have to, I don't care.
Consider it a Christmas gift.
This is the best Christmas EVER!
And by Christmas I mean November 30th.*
And by best ever I mean not as good as when I discovered internet pornography.
But that wasn't Christmas.
Although in a way it really was.


*Happy birthday to reader Steve Douglass who lives on an island and is 12 years old today. Any pubes yet?

Confusing times

Since turning forty I have
1) washed the washing machine
2) thrown out a trash can

I want a nuke!

Hey! Government and companies! Listen up you dickheads!
Put a nuke right in my damn backyard and give me a 2-passenger electric car that has a 150 mile range. You could also use the massive tidal power in Long Island Sound but I know that's just too weird so screw it, I'm 40 now and I don't have time to fuck around.
And hey, if the nuke gets out of control just let me know and I'll get the fuck out.
It's probably covered by my insurance anyway and that house is getting fucking OLD.
Let's rock some 'too cheap to meter' electrons in this motherfucker like they said we'd get in the 60s! We can use the juice to shoot down any incoming missiles and fucking withdraw from everywhere.
Oh yeah, and go bury that radioactive waste some other damn place, like out in the desert there. We're never going to stop making warheads anyway, so as long as there's gonna be a big nuke dump we might as well get some cheap electricity out of it.

Shit

So in like 26 minutes I'm going to be 40.
I've seen a lot in 40 years (not really) and I'm ready for some surprises now.
This is NOT what I had in mind but I wish them luck in what will surely be a challenging project which, if successful, will change our lives forever.

Actual photo from my neighborhood.

Typo

'Carpentry at it's Best!'

Shouldn't that be its?

Why didn't they list Erecting Crosses on their truck?
I don't know what kind of Calvary Contracting they're into, but it's* not a Calvary without some crucifixions.

*Contraction of 'it is'

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm going to be 40.
By the time Jesus was 40 he had been dead for 7 years.
Yeah, I know, 'risen' from the dead.
Risen to where?
Heaven?
Sounds dead to me.

Also, died for my sins?
I still did them!
Should have done something about my sins instead of dying. Would have helped a lot more.
And I'm still going to hell too!
Don't know what the dying was all about but...uhh...thanks?
I guess?

Benefits of age

Now that I'm almost 40 and married I can't wait for my Accidental Enslavement premiums to finally go down.

Colangeloco's Ballistic Package Express

In light of successful U.N. efforts to fight dry skin among the impoverished* I've given up on marketing the S-99 Homeless Hydrator.

*Moisturizer use up 15.2% in Q2 2007 to 68.9%

Improvements in GPS-guided munitions have finally moved my dream of ballistic package delivery from science fiction to science fact!
I'm proud to announce the beginning of intercontinental on-the-hour package delivery service to all targets within 4000 miles of the equator starting in June of 2009.
This new system will stand on the shoulders of those who've gone before, from recent breakthroughs in superconductor technology to the lessons learned by Saddam Hussein in his aborted attempt at constructing a long-range package "super gun" to improve relations with Israel.
Imagine a world where a package can be delivered by computer targeted railgun to any destination on earth in 20 minutes! Exiting and then re-entering earth's atmosphere at hypersonic velocities to land outside the home of the targeted customer with minimal collateral damage! Accurate to within 1 meter, these GPS-guided delivery munitions will revolutionize the extreme high-end of parcel delivery and dovetail perfectly with the go-go world of internet shopping!
I want to thank my partners: Paypal, eBay, Amazon, The Gartner Group, they've all underwritten my experiments and kindly provided sizable out-of-court settlements to those negatively impacted by beta versions of the test cannon located at the equator on Baker Island.

It's not stopping

Going on 20 minutes now. Oh, he's tough, he's really going to convince this poor girl.

"Blind rage? Alls I know is that in boxing someone hit me right on the nose and I stumbled back and like it's just this hate comes over me, I can't be held responsible for what I do."

"If you leave me alone I will be nice to you, if you attack me I'm going to drop you like a sack of potatoes."

Well, he may or may not have mad fighting skills, but he's definitely nutty as a fruitcake.

"One had a large stick, he's like 'you need to pay the toll for being here'. I'm strong but I can't stop a full force swing of a bat. It was over from then."

I think I'm going to have to go out and just punch this guy in the neck to see what he's really got.

Tough dude

He's pacing around talking about how he punched this guy this one time.
In great detail, for 15 minutes now.

"He's like pow-pow-pow, you know?...

One thing I learned about head-butts, it's forehead to the middle fo the face,
the middle of the forehead is the strongest part of the human body...

In my earlier years my fighting skills were very animalistic - biting, kicking, gouging, anything to get the guy off me...

Excessive force, yeah, I got a warning for it from my counselor. They put me in recreational boxing and I learned how to box...

I retired a heavyweight. 30 fights, never defeated."

I have never heard a more Napoleon Dynamite load of drivel in my life.
I wonder if he hunts wolverines?
Absolutely nothing he's saying is true. At ALL.
He's a stuttering geeky guy, like 5' 3", 150 pounds, with a gut.

Oh, my God! He's at it again.

"He was like dude, 'you're an ass'. So I did as I was trained and BAP! He was out for a good fifteen minutes."

New CRX?

Some rumors have started that a new CRX might be in the works, it's called the CR-Z.
1. It will never make it to market
2. If it does, it will look nothing like this
3. If it does, it will be super heavy and have a 400hp motor that gets 15MPG
4. Honda, if you make this the way I want it, I will send you a gonad

Cellular Telegraph - STOP - Send Help - STOP

Things to do today:
Encapsulate Full-Mouth Radiographs and Intraoral Photos in Rich/Foamy Text Document
Coordinate Motivational Speaker Stereopticon Edit for External Website and Flashcards
Hand-off Digital Moviola Masters to Foot Courier
Preserve All Originals - Petrified, Thawed, Fresh
Collate and Scanify Foundation Dinner Keynote Address Cellulose Photograms

You know what they say, there aren't enough 30-degree increments on the chronoptomoscope!
Ha!

Rage dump

I apologize for the brusque tone of the previous post.
In fact, corporations have always been very kind to me.
After surviving over 10 rounds of layoffs in my several jobs I now realize it was only done to help me, as a survivor, build self-sufficiency and character. I am still often paralyzed with character and need to take Zoloft.
My old employers always provided health care for only slightly greater expense than I could purchase it myself.
They always let me know that it was OK to come in early and leave late, that was part of being a member of "the family". It's amazing how a group of individuals can come together and, under the toughest of circumstances, form a group composed entirely of individuals. Order from chaos you might say.
And the parties they would throw! Wow, mandatory fun, what a bunch of silly goofs!
And hey kids, if management stays focused on profitability "like a laser" then we'll all benefit -
I can pay for psych meds and the hair-brained manager, working 10 hours a week, can buy a custom Hummer that their horses can drive to private school.

Great job!

Hey, idiot, get this down on paper!
I just want to take this opportunity to energetically criticize every detail and then withdraw someplace where you can't contact me. You don't work for me and I will be making unspecific demands of you without justification. Also, I will be too busy to engage any questions about my orders and there's no one associated with me that can offer clarification.
I'll be vacationing for the next month, starting now, so if you have any issues about tomorrow's production schedule it will have to wait until I get back - at which point you will have proceeded independently. I will be angry about this and contact your superior.
What were you thinking!

Corporations blow.
Long live the State!

MC Squared's self-titled debut album entitled "E"

OK Einstein, I'm calling you out!
I got a C in physics and even I can't understand your nutty shit.

E=mc²

What the hell is the square of a velocity anyway?
186,000 miles per second times itself = 186,000 miles per second per second?
So that's an acceleration?
Is the square of a velocity an acceleration?
That's madness!
Answer me!

OK, if we annihilate a mass of 1 gram it should produce enough energy to accelerate 1 gram to the speed of light in 1 second?
Did I stutter? Am I missing something!?*
But relativity indicates you'd need an infinite amount of energy to accelerate anything to the speed of light.
!?
I'm outraged!

Plus, you're the knucklehead who made up the whole "can't accelerate to c" thing anyway - and that pisses me off because I don't like people placing limits on me and then telling me it's an immutable property of the universe.
Fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway!
Watch!
*straining noise*
OK, I think I pooped a little but I'm still not going the speed of light.
Damn you and your rules anyway!

Also, if we solve for c then c=√(m/E) right?
What's that shit!
Huh?

*probably everything

To Mars in a week

It seems that tiny investments in space propulsion research have been paying off big lately.
A whole bunch of alternatives to traditional chemical rockets have emerged, this one sounds seriously promising and even the Air Force says it's legit.
http://www.dailytech.com/article.aspx?newsid=8889
100km an hour, 200,000+ miles an hour, will get you to Mars in a week but the kind of acceleration this drive generates over longer hauls can get you pretty much anywhere in the solar system in 2 months. That's crazy! I want to live on Ganymede.

Steer INTO the wave!

Many years ago my wife and I were cleaning our collection of H.P. Lovecraft Hummel ceramic figurines when we realized that we had no home escape plan in case of a rogue wave.
Thanks to One Beacon Home Insurance I was able to receive free information about what to do when a rogue wave strikes and I'm glad to say that it's saved our lives many times.
Oh...and our cat too. Isn't that right Marvin?
"Fuck you faggot!"
Oh Marvin! Hahahaha!

Free energy

Just like these guys I too have a system that creates more energy than it uses. All I do is plug my stuff into the magical energy holes in my walls and electricity shoots out all over the fucking place - I never do a thing.
No pedaling, no fraudulent claims about magnetic fields, no blood sacrifices...nothing.

There's also this invisible force holding me to the ground which has been VERY handy.
That apparently requires no energy input either. Now if only we could tap into this force and use it to generate motion. We could call it tobogganing!

Sickening

Here's a fun AV experiment to try at home.
Get a nice clean digital version of the movie Contact.
Yeah, I know it's not a masterpiece of action/adventure but it's also not geared for people with a 3rd grade reading level (see Independence Day).
Watch up until the part where President Clinton comes on and starts to talk about the alien signal. If the sight of our last real president doesn't give you a sinking feeling in your stomach then there's something wrong with you. I am convinced in a purely visceral way that his departure from office represents the point at which the United States started dying for me. Strictly based on the sound of his voice I became sick to my stomach thinking abut what we've become and the path of mediocrity and failure we continue down. I had to stop watching the damn movie.
It's not just that we're at war for no reason and can't stop, it's that there is no hope that I can see for the future here. We have no great dreams, goals, or aspirations beyond maintaining what we have and cowering in fear even 6 years after a tiny group of insignificant zealot automatons attacked us. We haven't embraced peace, we haven't distanced ourselves from the middle-east and religious extremism. We haven't started any bold new programs to solve our basic human problems - overpopulation, ignorance, disease, superstition, poverty, not even energy. In fact, any national or worldwide goals worthy of attention are farther off the radar than ever. I can honestly say that 6 years on I feel much more sickened now than when I saw the disaster on television. The disasters that have followed - fear, myopia, aggression, stupidity are far more sickening than anything religious extremists could do.

What you get

I wonder how far the popular vote can differ from the electoral outcome?
Certainly it seems reasonable to think that someone could get 45% of the popular vote and still win a presidential election.
Could they win with 35%?
Could they win with 8%?
It doesn't really matter I guess.
That all seems like caca to me.

The Greeks! The Greeks! The Greeks are on fire!

Jesus, good thing they're surrounded by water.

No joke

Super Don Quixote