Oscar smiles on gravitational confluence

According to scientists working at Johnson Space Flight Center and a Defense Department spokesman at NORAD, the Academy Awards celebration, also known as the Oscar's, has indeed not only passed out of Earth's orbit but is headed on a circuitous route which will plunge it ultimately into the sun. "The entire facility, the Kodak Theatre which housed the 77th Academy Awards, and soil and bedrock down to a depth of more than 50 meters has been thrown free of the Earth's gravitational attraction. The glamour and excitement that is the Oscar's will use the planet Venus as a gravitational slingshot, traveling out to Jupiter and using that planet's massive gravitational field to hurl it back into the sun in March of 2007."

This sort of planetary alignment rarely corresponds to Oscar night and astrophysicists are pleased that a journey that would typically take decades will be so drastically accelerated. As one JPL planetary scientist put it "You couldn't hope for a more precise trajectory for those talented Hollywood luminaries and their awards. Their final closing speed into the sun will be over 300,000 miles per hour, faster than the Voyager spacecraft ever achieved."

Chris Rock, the show's MC, quipped "Just like the Academy, gravity keeps a brother down. Oh, that's right, sorry Morgan."

ISO walkout

I am walking out of the ISO proceedings because they are focusing too much attention on wireless security standards and completely ignoring my proposal to recognize Sam, my Turkish Angora cat, as an IEEE-certified DVM2PE, "Digital, Versatile, Money-to-Poop Engine".

Satchmo

To the tune of "Wonderful World"...

"And I think to myself, I'll take over the world."

Too much information

Patient:
"I noticed in your pamphlet, doctor, that under the category "Alternatives to Vasectomy" they don't list 'Confused, last minute, operating table assault and pantsless flight into the streets.' Further, will cutting into my scrotum hurt?"

Doctor:
"No, I won't feel a thing. I'll be totally tanked by 10AM. Thanks for your concern."

Giant spiders in the urinals!

Arg!
There are giant spiders in the urinals!
And giant invisible robot crabs have knocked out the power lines again!
Check this movie. They're clearly visible!

Not visible as such.
Anyway.

Waiter, there's too many cooks in my spoiled stew

I make-uh for myself-uh the bella lasagna.
Pasta fagiola! Multo felicito!
Dat's a nice-uh!

So, the lady on the radio says "Use toasted pine nuts...any nuts will do though."
So I used coconuts.
*Rimshot!*
You ever try to toast those things?!
Whoa, what a crazy deal!

Is this thing on?
That goes out to the 8 people my old employer just laid off.
As if things weren't bad enough. Am I right!? Hey!

Sweet nectar

Wow, Welch's Grape Juice with ice in it.
I'm not angry anymore.
Also, it's snowing!

Hulk enraged!

Taxes on prescription drugs?
Income tax on unemployment income?
Homeless people carrying bedrolls down the streets at night when it's 15 degrees outside?
We need to get Americans killed making sure that Iraq has democracy?
Nice to see mustacheman gone but that's our cue to get out.
This lady today at the store was unhappy that her nephew might get killed now that he's been called up for a third tour in Iraq. Supposed to be home in November and now it's February. Hey, that's got to suck. Nice of them to increase the death benefit to $100k for those folks. Hey, here's an idea, bring them home and don't pay ANY death benefit. That could really save money. Better yet, send your own worthless, entitled turd children. Mr. Bush, you've got two healthy, boozing girls, why aren't they serving?
"Draft the Bush girls." That'd look good on a little ribbon.
Somehow I doubt anyone in government reads this. Or out of government for that matter. It feels good to vent though.
Sorry this has so little entertainment value.
I need to break through a wall like the Kool-Aid guy and then beat someone up, then I'll feel better.


OH YEAH!!

"Old" is the new "New"

What?

Anyway.
Based on a recent odor tomography survey of my cat's litter box conducted from low earth orbit, I have determined that my cat must be eating plutonium and brie.

Send help.