Electron, Proton, Crouton

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld, what's up with Olive Garden?
They have salad refills, nice...but they always put in two olives per salad.
Are olives endangered or something?
They should call themselves Crouton Garden. They put enough of those fuckers on there to block out the sun.
I've been bringing them home and spreading them on my icy driveway.

Intelligent bathroom design

There's a pattern here.
These things are laid out every sixteen inches.

It's maddening!
Exactly sixteen inches! Every time!
It's like someone or something is controlling the position!

I've tried prayer but I am unanswered.
God has forsaken me and my drywall.

Eureka!

Our technicians, in cooperation with research facilities in China, France, Japan and Russia have created an object which, when left completely on it own...
I can't stress that enough, LEFT COMPLETELY ON IT OWN...
will always fall over.

Thank you.

No questions please.

Supreme Courtship

In a rare unanimous decision, the "highest court in the land" has delivered a landmark ruling and determined that someone has to marry me.
In an effort to comply with the federal court's decision, Susan Mayo (Sue) has accepted my proposal and will become married to me at an undetermined future date, possibly May.
Despite a haircut that can best be described as "homestyle" and a nearly 40 year history as a goofy ass, Sue has decided that I "am the man for her" and I will hastily seize this opportunity before her head injury has time to heal.
Thanks to her whole family for kindly welcoming me in without any visible snickering.

ATHF movie

"Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship."

http://www.adultswim.com/shows/athf/movie/index.html

Berzerkshires

After spending this weekend in the mountains of western Massachusetts I have indeed determined that:
A. John Harvard's Brewhouse sucks
B. Has always sucked
C. Will likely always suck

More news later.