Non-binding New Years resolution

My resolution for 2007 is...
1680x1050
If I can maintain that (or better!) on all my displays I will consider myself a success.

Remember 9/11...actually

There were these knuckleheads, these al-Qaeda guys, who went nuts and flew these airplanes into the World Trade Center, like not too long ago right?
Yeah...they're in Pakistan.
That's what Negroponte says anyway.
Also, the main guy is there.
Can someone in the federal government help these idiots "down the stairs" as it were?
Thanks, Ken

Also, just get the troops out of Iraq - those guys get actually, really, and totally killed over there. They're made for attack and defense, not fucking around.
We have no clue what we're doing over there, that should be evident.
Thanks again, I know you won't let me down.

Is that a tumbleweed I hear blowing by?

F*cking miter cuts

In carpentry, as in square dancing, you must distinguish between your partner and your enemies.

"Patient is belligerent and noisy"

From my MRI report:
"..a loose mixture of acorns, bottlecaps, and assorted detritus."

Apparently my brain is OK!

Now, why do I get visual migraines?
Who knows!
Let's medicate!

Also, just for fun, ask the MRI techs
"Will I feel anything when the magnets switch on?"
After getting their reassurance, wait until they throw the switch and then yell out
"MECHANICALLY-ADVANTAGED OHIO!
NO WONDER THERE'S NO PEANUT BUTTER LEFT UP THERE!
OUCHIE!"

Macabre Salad

Lettuce
Tomatoes
Black olives
Blue cheese ?
BOILED EGGS ?!

Brutal.

I'm so glad I've found a life partner who will take this bullet for me.
"Cobb salad? Yeah, that's hers. Over there. Thank you."

Visual migraines make dullards seem exotic

It's fun to talk to someone and then have this crystalline, sparkling presence superimposed on them. As they blather on it gradually grows to encompass their face and then their entire head disappears into a black hole of missing visual information.
"I can hear your lips a-flappin' but I can't even see your head and I'm looking right at you." That's some silly shit!

MRI on Monday.

I suspect my brain may have been replaced with a jingle bell in some sort of holiday mixup.

Saddam

Another young comedian struck down at the top of his career.

Not struck exactly.