Listen Crazy Ivan

I don't care how bad your English is, you just can't say
"I'm going to do a surprise on you!"
and have people not laugh/run away.

True story.

Superpower

I've discussed this before but now I'm certain that I *do* have a superpower.

Prepare yourselves...

I KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO FART.

I don't mean short-term "Hey I'm gonna fart."
No, I mean I can generate a hyper-accurate timeline for the next several hundred days.
I'm going to use this knowledge to save innocent children and probably kittens.

Love machine

In a move intended to bring about Democratic party reconciliation, and to boost my own recently sour disposition, I have constructed a bio-mechanical Love Machine.



Unfortuately, due to a misunderstanding about the meaning of the number eight, Lockheed-Martin and NASA have landed my Love Machine in the north polar region of Mars.

Silver lining though, maybe it will bring some sexy hot love and melt all that ice.