Saturday, June 18, 2005

You've never even ridden in a horse.

I hate horses.
They are like giant, insane cows.
Where did our romantic attachment for these monsters come from?
Just because it's stupid enough to let you ride it, doesn't mean it loves you or understands anything. They're herd animals that grew too tall.
I know you're thinking "But they're so smart and beautiful and powerful. And plus, you've never even ridden one."
You're right. That's because 50% of the people I know who ride them have been seriously injured at some point.
They step on you.
They kick you.
They bite you.
They throw you.
You fall off them.
They fall on you.
They get 'spooked' by a 'sound' or some other cosmic distrubance like a blade of grass or someone farting on a distant planet and then they go insane and crush you up against a wall.
You hit your head on something because the horse is so smart it can't figure out that you require more clearance than it does. Also, it's so compassionate and loving it comes back to make sure you're OK. Oh, that actually never happens.
They sweat foam.
They foam at the mouth.
They have bowel movements the size of full 35 gallon trash bags.
They urinate a minimum of 3 gallons at a time.
They cost a fortune to maintain.

So they're beautiful? In what way?
They're gangly, fragile, moody, stinky tall cows.
Have you ever seen a tiger, a hummmingbird, or a manta ray?
Now look at a horse. Be serious, don't waste my time.

They're powerful?
Sure, they're stronger than us (they are also bigger so that really isn't a miracle) but their stupidity and poor design make them useless half the time because they break some part of their body and are injured or have to be killed. Or better yet, they live on for years like huge convalescent rump roasts using up space and money.
Power without control. Oh, that's right, they have such subtle and complete control they manage sometimes to jump over small objects with a rider on their back. Only sometimes do they fall, killing the rider and possibly themselves. Wow, they jump over objects half their height. Oh wait, even a bush pig or a human can do that.

They're smart?!
No. They aren't. Let's not confuse insanity with complexity. Just because they react in random, often hazardous, ways to the slightest input doesn't make them smart. That means they're inbred freaks that we created so we could hitch a ride. They're batshit crazy and haven't even the intelligence of a chihuahua. Do they catch frisbees? Can they speak in sign language? You'd be lucky if you can teach them to sit down or even stop running when you want them to. Wait, after years of training they can be taught to prance. You want smart? Go ask a chimpanzee what it thinks of your horse. It'll sign back "Horses stupid animals. Smelly. Hurt Bobo. Bite Bobo. Where kitty?"

2 comments:

noisyparker said...

You are correct, of course. Do you support efforts to foster a safer horselike organism? In fact, you may want to have a few of these delightful freaks gamboling in your backyard!

Ken C said...

Wow, a microhorse and a giant Easter Island head could really make my neighbors furious. And, perhaps, too scared to say anything.

I really do want a Moai that can be seen from I-84 (my backyard).