In dramatic contradiction to their research on viruses and bacteria as sources of mortality, the CDC announced today that the film Elektra, starring Jennifer Garner, is the cause of almost all death in humans and large mammals. Edwin Moinst, spokesman for the CDC, announced at a press conference today that "We are still certain that some fatalities have been attributable to disease and infection but, apparently, we've been missing the big picture. Also, we know that tidal waves have killed some people."
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