Oscar smiles on gravitational confluence

According to scientists working at Johnson Space Flight Center and a Defense Department spokesman at NORAD, the Academy Awards celebration, also known as the Oscar's, has indeed not only passed out of Earth's orbit but is headed on a circuitous route which will plunge it ultimately into the sun. "The entire facility, the Kodak Theatre which housed the 77th Academy Awards, and soil and bedrock down to a depth of more than 50 meters has been thrown free of the Earth's gravitational attraction. The glamour and excitement that is the Oscar's will use the planet Venus as a gravitational slingshot, traveling out to Jupiter and using that planet's massive gravitational field to hurl it back into the sun in March of 2007."

This sort of planetary alignment rarely corresponds to Oscar night and astrophysicists are pleased that a journey that would typically take decades will be so drastically accelerated. As one JPL planetary scientist put it "You couldn't hope for a more precise trajectory for those talented Hollywood luminaries and their awards. Their final closing speed into the sun will be over 300,000 miles per hour, faster than the Voyager spacecraft ever achieved."

Chris Rock, the show's MC, quipped "Just like the Academy, gravity keeps a brother down. Oh, that's right, sorry Morgan."

ISO walkout

I am walking out of the ISO proceedings because they are focusing too much attention on wireless security standards and completely ignoring my proposal to recognize Sam, my Turkish Angora cat, as an IEEE-certified DVM2PE, "Digital, Versatile, Money-to-Poop Engine".

Satchmo

To the tune of "Wonderful World"...

"And I think to myself, I'll take over the world."

Too much information

Patient:
"I noticed in your pamphlet, doctor, that under the category "Alternatives to Vasectomy" they don't list 'Confused, last minute, operating table assault and pantsless flight into the streets.' Further, will cutting into my scrotum hurt?"

Doctor:
"No, I won't feel a thing. I'll be totally tanked by 10AM. Thanks for your concern."

Giant spiders in the urinals!

Arg!
There are giant spiders in the urinals!
And giant invisible robot crabs have knocked out the power lines again!
Check this movie. They're clearly visible!

Not visible as such.
Anyway.

Waiter, there's too many cooks in my spoiled stew

I make-uh for myself-uh the bella lasagna.
Pasta fagiola! Multo felicito!
Dat's a nice-uh!

So, the lady on the radio says "Use toasted pine nuts...any nuts will do though."
So I used coconuts.
*Rimshot!*
You ever try to toast those things?!
Whoa, what a crazy deal!

Is this thing on?
That goes out to the 8 people my old employer just laid off.
As if things weren't bad enough. Am I right!? Hey!

Sweet nectar

Wow, Welch's Grape Juice with ice in it.
I'm not angry anymore.
Also, it's snowing!

Hulk enraged!

Taxes on prescription drugs?
Income tax on unemployment income?
Homeless people carrying bedrolls down the streets at night when it's 15 degrees outside?
We need to get Americans killed making sure that Iraq has democracy?
Nice to see mustacheman gone but that's our cue to get out.
This lady today at the store was unhappy that her nephew might get killed now that he's been called up for a third tour in Iraq. Supposed to be home in November and now it's February. Hey, that's got to suck. Nice of them to increase the death benefit to $100k for those folks. Hey, here's an idea, bring them home and don't pay ANY death benefit. That could really save money. Better yet, send your own worthless, entitled turd children. Mr. Bush, you've got two healthy, boozing girls, why aren't they serving?
"Draft the Bush girls." That'd look good on a little ribbon.
Somehow I doubt anyone in government reads this. Or out of government for that matter. It feels good to vent though.
Sorry this has so little entertainment value.
I need to break through a wall like the Kool-Aid guy and then beat someone up, then I'll feel better.


OH YEAH!!

"Old" is the new "New"

What?

Anyway.
Based on a recent odor tomography survey of my cat's litter box conducted from low earth orbit, I have determined that my cat must be eating plutonium and brie.

Send help.

5.1 sounds nice

I finally hootched up my additional speakers for my little home theater.
Added a center and two rear little cube dealies.
No sound in the center, why? :-(
I then bothered to figure out that my PC was only putting out left and right. I enabled the SPDIF 5 channel digital output and yikes!
Now I can hear the dialog.
That's the word sounds...
...that come from the beige and brown animals.
I wonder what they're saying?
Not much fur on those critters.
Gotta get cold for them out in this snow.
More snow, fluffy and white.
Four more inches by early tonight. :-)
Where do I put it?
Maybe someone in hell would like it.

Blizzard of now

Snizow! 18 inches of snizow on the grizound!
Plus it's colder than a well-diggers chicken.
-0.5 degrees with 50 mile per hour winds, blowing snow 18 inches deep!
That's Connecticut flava!
Also, Charles Nelson Reilly is from here...

He was on Match Game.

No degrees

There's no more 'F's in this here thermometer.
Zeeero.

Actually, it's -0.5F.

Try this experiment:
Pour a glass of water.
Place it in the refridgerator for 1/2 hour.
Take the glass outside into the middle of a large hard surface, such as a parking lot.
Throw the water straight up into the air as hard as you can.
By the time it reaches the ground you will be an ice cold idiot.

Repeat.

Speed demon

You're matching my speed exactly and giving me the stinkeye, so apparently you want to race on the interstate. (?!)
However, you're driving a lowered American performance sedan with your kids STUFFED ANIMALS on the rear deck.
Really.
Look back there "G".
:-(

Yes, your ride is "turbo".
I would go so far as to admit that it is "money".
"I have been have properly served", I think, as you finally blast away down the right lane.
My departing thought will, however, be this...
Are those YOUR dollies?

Make sure to check that sh*t before you leave the house. It's silly.

Wrestling the president

Winning the war on...BAM!...Headlock!
So the election was an endorsement of our current invasion policy?
It's probably illegal to visualize, in great detail, putting the president in a Full Nelson?
Steve? Pile Driver?

There's no 'U' in winning

In dramatic contradiction to their research on viruses and bacteria as sources of mortality, the CDC announced today that the film Elektra, starring Jennifer Garner, is the cause of almost all death in humans and large mammals. Edwin Moinst, spokesman for the CDC, announced at a press conference today that "We are still certain that some fatalities have been attributable to disease and infection but, apparently, we've been missing the big picture. Also, we know that tidal waves have killed some people."

Scrabble moving in the east...also Mordor

I am amassing a great army of braincells that specialize in Scrabble.
Otherwise useless to me, these 'thinking cells' have proven useful in the defeat of my computer on several occasions. Soon I hope to use them against the humans.
I have recently purchased books to provide these cells with increased...umm...goodness.
All of this has come at not the loss of other facilities where I used my brain was previously.
Certainly not the writing nor spoken-ing, also not memory or color seeing.
Sam Douglass of California will be among the first to face my awesome forces.

Coddled and soluble lozenges for actual somebody

What?
You heard me, coddled and soluble lozenges for actual somebody.
This must be part of the new laser SETI I've heard about.
These junk email message titles are amazing.
Why would I read a message with such a title? Is there advertising research that indicates I might me seduced in this fashion?

"The high-debt/34-39/white/suburban/male demo is all up into coddled and soluble lozenges."

"Don't you mean soluable, with an A?"

"No, stay with me...soluble. Something that can be solubbed?
Like, up your you-know-what. *wink* See?"

"No. But...how are they coddled?"

"Not literally! It's a metaphor...or an acronym. It makes sense."

"I'm completely on board with it being for an actual somebody."

Perhaps SETI should be sending messages instead of receiving. "Send help." might be a good start.

Show snovelling

Once again the snow comes.
It wasn't white this time but a sort of cyan color.
I suspect my friend Steve may be dumping toner on my property.
It makes good snowmen though.

Constant sorrow

Has anyone EVER been to Alabama or Kentucky?
I've never heard of anyone.
They are on maps.

Oh, Democratic party, don't forget to get a candidate next time that is from the south.
That way he'll get enough of the vote in "God, Guns, and Gays" states to flip the election.
See how that works?
Make sure he twangs.

Delicious

The great thing about contact lenses is they absorb the flavor of whatever you cook them with.

Big Juju

I have this pain in my foot.
I knew I shouldn't have given voodoo dolls as Christmas presents.
Escpecially not of myself.

Ow! My neck.

Scandal

In what promises to be another in a never-ending chain of scandals involving people having sex,
I wish to announce that I've had non-consentual sexual relations with everyone in the following areas.

Not dead

Despite having seen Ocean's Twelve, I am not dead.
I had heard that it caused death but I found that it only slowed my breathing.
I found it enjoyable and warm in the theater and my Cherry Coke tasted a little like PineSol - which I like. The three other people in the audience seemed distracted by the movie and were not responsive to my hollered comments about "liking a woman with a little meat on her bones." You know what I mean right? Anyway, I threw my shoe and hit one of them in the throat but, like I said, they seemed to be watching the movie the whole time.

Who's in there?

Man, don't ever look down your throat with a flashlight when you're sick.
Now I know why doctors get paid so much.
Lordy.

Hysterical weeping

The flag is always at half mast these days.
No, don't check your fly.
I mean the US flag.
It seems like it didn't used to be, even during the 1st Iraq war.
I always considered a lowered flag to be the equivalent of America weeping.
Weeping all the time is hysterical weeping and indicates a mental disorder of some kind.
Plus if we're so weepy about every soul lost in combat why do we send folks into harms way for such stupid reasons.
Bring them home, screw the middle-east, and put the flag back up.
Stop blubbering. It's embarrassing.
And America, stop wiping your nose on me. Use a Kleenex damnit!

Is this how we want it?

F***in' everywhere

So watch out citizens, there's f***in' ice, f***in' everywhere.
You'll fall and bust you gonzombi. (gahn-zome-bee)

Also, if you're a giant bat, with say...uhhh...a 12-foot wingspan (?)...
...yeah, if that's you, I won't be needing any dreams like that anymore.
Good job though.

After waking at 3AM, my hair measures 2.8 on the Richter scale.
You can sort of feel that there's something happening,
but it doesn't knock stuff over.

So they tell me

Hoping that they are right I will post here to this blog.