Filled with hate?

I'm over 40 so I'm filled with hate?
Is that how that works?
Maybe that's right.
I missed the whole filled with hate phase as a teen.
I'll try to be good.
Over at my local college we're having an outdoor graduation this Sunday on campus for the first time. That's nice right? The state built a brandy new college campus for folks who can't afford to pay for a big name education. The governor who signed off on it was even a Republican, and so was her corrupt boss until he was sent to prison. He got what he deserved and the people got what they deserve. That's nice!

$8 gas is just the ticket

I have been secretly thrilling to the fumes of $4 gasoline.
Wow, I hope this keeps up, things might change.
Look at the passenger-less, multi-ton SUVs - good thing that soccer mom carries around 3 tons of metal and plastic to keep her company on her stop-and-go trips around town.
Look at the giant, unused, virgin-bedded pickup trucks - never done a days work in their lives. The tires are glossy and the body hasn't a scratch on it. You need a 'hemi' to idle in the KFC drive-thru for half an hour, keeps the A/C and mad bass beats kickin' nicely.

I wrote a little song. Like to hear it? Here's how it goes.
"Hey troops, here, let us consumers piss in your face. Take our piss you bitches."

I do rejoice at the prospect of $8 gas.
So does this guy.

Please explain, site specific examples

Silicon
Silica
Silicate
Silicone

I am not understand.

Back to Mars

I'd like to point out that my name is on Mars.
I'm not bragging, it's just that when your name is recorded on a

"unique DVD made of silica glass, and designed to last hundreds if not thousands of years into the future, when its true mission will commence. It carries nothing less than a message from our world to one centuries away, when humans will roam the Red Planet."

you have a lot of people asking you if you're "that awesome guy from the Mars thing".

Yes, I am.

Here, see for yourself, I'm listed under Kenneth Colangelo, certificate 1196899.

As a postscript try these names in the search:
"Jeff Goldblum" returned zero results
"Robert Plant" returned zero results
"Stephen Hawking" returned zero results

Fuck those guys.

Shitty Memorial Day

The deaths of those in Iraq have not served to make us more safe nor more free.
They were misled or willfully ignorant and led to their ineffectual deaths.
This weekend don't drive drunk...and never vote stupid.
Actually, if you're really stupid, make sure you drive drunk.
Just make sure it's in a remote area.
Have one for the road fuckheads!

Flattering diplomacy or clumsy manipulation?

You make the call.

I put a sign on our filthy oven that read
"This oven needs the love of a beautiful woman."

I thought I might end up on the working end of a rolling pin or frying pan upon returning home but much to my surprise I see that this is in fact a charming way to suggest your lovely wife help clean the oven. What a woman!

I think I might buy a helmet anyway.

Words to use more often

Hark
Dimwit
Yon
Half-wit

As in:
"Hark yon dimwit! Hark! Or are you really only a half-wit?"

Clearly not working out

This human race thing is clearly not working out.
You don't display any initiative.
You're so filled with terror and self-loathing you can't put one foot in front of the other.
Make a plan, set some goals.
Let's face it, you're getting bloated too. You're all over the damn place. You're too big for your own britches.
And look at this place, what a mess.
Jesus would it kill you to pick up once in a while!
Get rid of some of this shit, it's fucking everywhere.
Do something constructive for once you asshole!

Did I say this was about the human race?
I'm sure I did.

Sproing!

Spring is here by golly, what a simply gorgeous day!
Once again the Crunch Berry trees are in bloom and a mans fancy turns to thoughts of...
Whoa! This can't be the right image for Spring.

Personal marriage record

Booyah!
One year!
My wife has also been married for a year also! It's a tie!

XM

Extra medium i.e.;
Extra small
Small
Extra medium
Medium
Extra medium
Large
Extra large

I have a headache

Hey, my new shipment of DVD has arrived! Cool.
What?
Fuck?
I...don't...FUCKING WHAT!?

Arborversary Anti-felinoma Birthday

In order to commemorate these events:
A) upcoming one year wedding anniversary
B) upcoming wife's birthday
C) no brain tumor in Marvin the cat
D) my nephew considering a run in the Marines (?!), which actually sucks moose dick

I have planted a tree, kindly donated by friend and colleague Mike Z.
(Formally "His Viceroy to the Exchequer, State of Connecticut")

I want to wish the tree good luck under my stewardship and remind it that life insurance is more important than ever in these wobbly economic times.

This effort at interspecies understanding continues only a few blocks from my house:

Bush administration extends March Madness into 'at least July'

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- March Madness is "in the last throes," Vice President Dick Cheney says, and he predicts that it will end before the Bush administration leaves office.

We always hurt the ones we hit

Tried the iPhone for two days. Feh. No voicedialing, no Flash.
I'll stick wih my Palm TX. I prefer the sylus to the touchscreen keyboard. So sad Palm won't make a TX phone and none of their current phones hav voicedial either, and they all have such minimal browsers. Maybe I'll try an ATT Tilt.

Arthur C. Clarke

Another hero of the 20th century has passed.
Terrible.

"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
1- It's completely impossible.
2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing.
3- I said it was a good idea all along."

"Sir Arthur C. Clarke, a giant in the science fiction genre and early proponent of the geosynchronous satellite orbit, had died.

Recently, Sir Arthur videotaped his reflections on his 90th birthday, in which he talked about the future of space travel and more."

Oh my god!

Has anyone checked in on Senegal?
I totally forgot!
Shit, I hope they're OK.
Seriously, first thing in the morning.

Let's go buy hookers and ice cream with Spitzer!

Spitzer?
No, not the Spitzer space telescope, the governor guy.
He's funny.

I've always known that the telescope had the moral authority issue nailed.

Fewer evil spirits means less poison for McDonalds

Excerpt from NPR piece about McDonalds using the "not real" technique of feng shui to block evil spirits and ease the mind of it's suicidal customers...

"The doors don't align, so we confuse the evil spirits and they stay out."
Jenny Liu suggests that feng shui somehow reduces the negative aspects of greasy processed food.
"The mental is very important," her father agrees. "That part is stronger than the 'poison food.'"

Evil has always been confused by slightly misaligned doors.
Your mental attitude while eating poison will offset its effects.
My point? Fewer people would be a good idea.

NASA initiative

I want to congratulate the Bush administration on it's bold plan to fuck America to the moon.

Urgent!

Demons are untying my shoes!
In the last 3 days I have noticed a dramatic, some would say catastrophic, increase in the frequency
with which I have to tie my shoes.
This is NOT a joke.
I'm tying them literally 6+ times a day.
Yes, I'm using double-knots.
Yes, I'm pulling hard.
What the HELL!
What government or world organization should I contact?
Does the U.N. handle this sort of thing?

Go Pats!

I've got footballs fever!
I could paint myself or something, have a big party or something, but instead I'm supporting the Patriots by purchasing a novelty shower curtain.
It's called "Crazy Squares"!

Political junk mail Madlib

Dear Ken,
I don't need to tell you that it's getting harder and harder to [cling to a dingy] these days. It seems like the cost of everything from [optical tweezers] to a [trout growler] is going up and that the world keeps getting more complicated.
The worst part about it is that our [Weebles] in [Skunktown] don’t seem to get it.
That’s why I’m emailing you today.
We all know there’s an important [lunar landing] this year. We have a real chance of [filling our pants] and [cloning] [Aretha Franklins] who will ensure we all have access to affordable [bingo balls], a [hydroelectric dam] that [powers] a [suicidal midget drone], and a secure [Mongolia].

In honor of MLK I will sleep through his entire holiday

Wow, talk about coincidences. I joke about my pharmacist and I end up having a drug interaction.

"If you become agitated and then sleep for more than 32 hours you should tell your doctor, this may be a symptom of a side effect he doesn't really understand."

Nuf said.

Wacky pharmacists

"Hey dipshit!
Is that...um...new...Remeron...
uhhh...counterindicated...
with a Benzo'...
...like Clonazepam?

Did you fart again?

DAMN!...Jesus...oh...why can't YOU get some suicidality!"

My brain is in good hands.

Cloverfield

I've seen it twice now and I'm truly happy.
Someone will see it soon and say something that will make me hate it.
"What? You didn't notice that the monster was wearing a Wisconsin Cheese Hat?"
My defense will be this...the world needs GIANT MONSTERS.
I love giant monsters.
I want to be a giant monster.
Man needs giant monsters to keep him in his place.
I pray for giant monsters.
Monsters with no reason for even existing.
Monsters who just want to destroy us and ALL our stuff.
Monsters who like to eat us, lots of us.
"Did it evolve? Is it an alien? Is it from another dimension or time?"
These questions will not matter when 30-story indestructible demons are maniacally running through and over our greatest creations and out into the suburbs and countryside.
I like 'persons' but I hate 'people'.
So, I say, good luck Cloverfield monster thing!

Throwing hat

I'd also like to announce that I have launched an exploratory committee to assess the possibility of a presidential bid by me in 2012, seeking the nomination of the newly established Chex Party.

Scrabble ninny

While he accuses me of moral cowardice and anti-Chex Party Mix leanings I would suggest that blogger Steve Douglass is, in fact, someone who I can consistently beat at Scrabble despite his increasing aptitude and enthusiasm. I hereby challenge him to an online match - best 2 out of 3, 25 minute tournament rules - to be held at an agreed upon date as yet to be agreed upon. ?!
Also, here's a link to his article recognizing my recent article about his return to blogging.
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

Return of the Snake Attack

Although it did appear that Steve had succumbed to the attacking serpents, he has re-emerged like a Christmas zombie!
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

It's no normal blog, it's extra safe. Locked down with a secure certificate that wards off the weak and simple.

Also, Bolivia <-> Oblivia. What was Simon Bolivar thinking?!
Now I'm never going there.

A message from our sponsor

Steganography?
Priapism?
Marburg virus?

Try Dr. Bamford's No Soap soap alternative!

Don't make fun of him

I think my cat is functionally illiterate.

Everything is fine

That last posting was totally uncalled for.
I'm having some stress at work and there's this guy with glasses that's following me around.

I think he's after my new PDA.

Discouraging

Have you ever been so discouraged that you wanted to take off your pants and do butt scoots on the carpet like a dog with worms?
Now THAT'S discouraged!

SETI

Search for Evergreen Tree Intelligence. See, they have their dish pointed at the tree, instead of the sky which is where the satellite is. That's the joke as I see it.

Hi, my name is Ken...

...and I'm a Futurama geek.
(Hi Ken!)

Good news!
The new disk (disc?) is out and it's brilliant! Bender's Big Score!
Everyone go out and buy at least one of the Futurama movie DVDs so Fox will make more for me. Just buy them and throw them out if you have to, I don't care.
Consider it a Christmas gift.
This is the best Christmas EVER!
And by Christmas I mean November 30th.*
And by best ever I mean not as good as when I discovered internet pornography.
But that wasn't Christmas.
Although in a way it really was.


*Happy birthday to reader Steve Douglass who lives on an island and is 12 years old today. Any pubes yet?

Confusing times

Since turning forty I have
1) washed the washing machine
2) thrown out a trash can

I want a nuke!

Hey! Government and companies! Listen up you dickheads!
Put a nuke right in my damn backyard and give me a 2-passenger electric car that has a 150 mile range. You could also use the massive tidal power in Long Island Sound but I know that's just too weird so screw it, I'm 40 now and I don't have time to fuck around.
And hey, if the nuke gets out of control just let me know and I'll get the fuck out.
It's probably covered by my insurance anyway and that house is getting fucking OLD.
Let's rock some 'too cheap to meter' electrons in this motherfucker like they said we'd get in the 60s! We can use the juice to shoot down any incoming missiles and fucking withdraw from everywhere.
Oh yeah, and go bury that radioactive waste some other damn place, like out in the desert there. We're never going to stop making warheads anyway, so as long as there's gonna be a big nuke dump we might as well get some cheap electricity out of it.

Shit

So in like 26 minutes I'm going to be 40.
I've seen a lot in 40 years (not really) and I'm ready for some surprises now.
This is NOT what I had in mind but I wish them luck in what will surely be a challenging project which, if successful, will change our lives forever.

Actual photo from my neighborhood.

Typo

'Carpentry at it's Best!'

Shouldn't that be its?

Why didn't they list Erecting Crosses on their truck?
I don't know what kind of Calvary Contracting they're into, but it's* not a Calvary without some crucifixions.

*Contraction of 'it is'

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm going to be 40.
By the time Jesus was 40 he had been dead for 7 years.
Yeah, I know, 'risen' from the dead.
Risen to where?
Heaven?
Sounds dead to me.

Also, died for my sins?
I still did them!
Should have done something about my sins instead of dying. Would have helped a lot more.
And I'm still going to hell too!
Don't know what the dying was all about but...uhh...thanks?
I guess?

Benefits of age

Now that I'm almost 40 and married I can't wait for my Accidental Enslavement premiums to finally go down.

Colangeloco's Ballistic Package Express

In light of successful U.N. efforts to fight dry skin among the impoverished* I've given up on marketing the S-99 Homeless Hydrator.

*Moisturizer use up 15.2% in Q2 2007 to 68.9%

Improvements in GPS-guided munitions have finally moved my dream of ballistic package delivery from science fiction to science fact!
I'm proud to announce the beginning of intercontinental on-the-hour package delivery service to all targets within 4000 miles of the equator starting in June of 2009.
This new system will stand on the shoulders of those who've gone before, from recent breakthroughs in superconductor technology to the lessons learned by Saddam Hussein in his aborted attempt at constructing a long-range package "super gun" to improve relations with Israel.
Imagine a world where a package can be delivered by computer targeted railgun to any destination on earth in 20 minutes! Exiting and then re-entering earth's atmosphere at hypersonic velocities to land outside the home of the targeted customer with minimal collateral damage! Accurate to within 1 meter, these GPS-guided delivery munitions will revolutionize the extreme high-end of parcel delivery and dovetail perfectly with the go-go world of internet shopping!
I want to thank my partners: Paypal, eBay, Amazon, The Gartner Group, they've all underwritten my experiments and kindly provided sizable out-of-court settlements to those negatively impacted by beta versions of the test cannon located at the equator on Baker Island.

It's not stopping

Going on 20 minutes now. Oh, he's tough, he's really going to convince this poor girl.

"Blind rage? Alls I know is that in boxing someone hit me right on the nose and I stumbled back and like it's just this hate comes over me, I can't be held responsible for what I do."

"If you leave me alone I will be nice to you, if you attack me I'm going to drop you like a sack of potatoes."

Well, he may or may not have mad fighting skills, but he's definitely nutty as a fruitcake.

"One had a large stick, he's like 'you need to pay the toll for being here'. I'm strong but I can't stop a full force swing of a bat. It was over from then."

I think I'm going to have to go out and just punch this guy in the neck to see what he's really got.

Tough dude

He's pacing around talking about how he punched this guy this one time.
In great detail, for 15 minutes now.

"He's like pow-pow-pow, you know?...

One thing I learned about head-butts, it's forehead to the middle fo the face,
the middle of the forehead is the strongest part of the human body...

In my earlier years my fighting skills were very animalistic - biting, kicking, gouging, anything to get the guy off me...

Excessive force, yeah, I got a warning for it from my counselor. They put me in recreational boxing and I learned how to box...

I retired a heavyweight. 30 fights, never defeated."

I have never heard a more Napoleon Dynamite load of drivel in my life.
I wonder if he hunts wolverines?
Absolutely nothing he's saying is true. At ALL.
He's a stuttering geeky guy, like 5' 3", 150 pounds, with a gut.

Oh, my God! He's at it again.

"He was like dude, 'you're an ass'. So I did as I was trained and BAP! He was out for a good fifteen minutes."

New CRX?

Some rumors have started that a new CRX might be in the works, it's called the CR-Z.
1. It will never make it to market
2. If it does, it will look nothing like this
3. If it does, it will be super heavy and have a 400hp motor that gets 15MPG
4. Honda, if you make this the way I want it, I will send you a gonad

Cellular Telegraph - STOP - Send Help - STOP

Things to do today:
Encapsulate Full-Mouth Radiographs and Intraoral Photos in Rich/Foamy Text Document
Coordinate Motivational Speaker Stereopticon Edit for External Website and Flashcards
Hand-off Digital Moviola Masters to Foot Courier
Preserve All Originals - Petrified, Thawed, Fresh
Collate and Scanify Foundation Dinner Keynote Address Cellulose Photograms

You know what they say, there aren't enough 30-degree increments on the chronoptomoscope!
Ha!

Rage dump

I apologize for the brusque tone of the previous post.
In fact, corporations have always been very kind to me.
After surviving over 10 rounds of layoffs in my several jobs I now realize it was only done to help me, as a survivor, build self-sufficiency and character. I am still often paralyzed with character and need to take Zoloft.
My old employers always provided health care for only slightly greater expense than I could purchase it myself.
They always let me know that it was OK to come in early and leave late, that was part of being a member of "the family". It's amazing how a group of individuals can come together and, under the toughest of circumstances, form a group composed entirely of individuals. Order from chaos you might say.
And the parties they would throw! Wow, mandatory fun, what a bunch of silly goofs!
And hey kids, if management stays focused on profitability "like a laser" then we'll all benefit -
I can pay for psych meds and the hair-brained manager, working 10 hours a week, can buy a custom Hummer that their horses can drive to private school.

Great job!

Hey, idiot, get this down on paper!
I just want to take this opportunity to energetically criticize every detail and then withdraw someplace where you can't contact me. You don't work for me and I will be making unspecific demands of you without justification. Also, I will be too busy to engage any questions about my orders and there's no one associated with me that can offer clarification.
I'll be vacationing for the next month, starting now, so if you have any issues about tomorrow's production schedule it will have to wait until I get back - at which point you will have proceeded independently. I will be angry about this and contact your superior.
What were you thinking!

Corporations blow.
Long live the State!

MC Squared's self-titled debut album entitled "E"

OK Einstein, I'm calling you out!
I got a C in physics and even I can't understand your nutty shit.

E=mc²

What the hell is the square of a velocity anyway?
186,000 miles per second times itself = 186,000 miles per second per second?
So that's an acceleration?
Is the square of a velocity an acceleration?
That's madness!
Answer me!

OK, if we annihilate a mass of 1 gram it should produce enough energy to accelerate 1 gram to the speed of light in 1 second?
Did I stutter? Am I missing something!?*
But relativity indicates you'd need an infinite amount of energy to accelerate anything to the speed of light.
!?
I'm outraged!

Plus, you're the knucklehead who made up the whole "can't accelerate to c" thing anyway - and that pisses me off because I don't like people placing limits on me and then telling me it's an immutable property of the universe.
Fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway!
Watch!
*straining noise*
OK, I think I pooped a little but I'm still not going the speed of light.
Damn you and your rules anyway!

Also, if we solve for c then c=√(m/E) right?
What's that shit!
Huh?

*probably everything

To Mars in a week

It seems that tiny investments in space propulsion research have been paying off big lately.
A whole bunch of alternatives to traditional chemical rockets have emerged, this one sounds seriously promising and even the Air Force says it's legit.
http://www.dailytech.com/article.aspx?newsid=8889
100km an hour, 200,000+ miles an hour, will get you to Mars in a week but the kind of acceleration this drive generates over longer hauls can get you pretty much anywhere in the solar system in 2 months. That's crazy! I want to live on Ganymede.

Steer INTO the wave!

Many years ago my wife and I were cleaning our collection of H.P. Lovecraft Hummel ceramic figurines when we realized that we had no home escape plan in case of a rogue wave.
Thanks to One Beacon Home Insurance I was able to receive free information about what to do when a rogue wave strikes and I'm glad to say that it's saved our lives many times.
Oh...and our cat too. Isn't that right Marvin?
"Fuck you faggot!"
Oh Marvin! Hahahaha!

Free energy

Just like these guys I too have a system that creates more energy than it uses. All I do is plug my stuff into the magical energy holes in my walls and electricity shoots out all over the fucking place - I never do a thing.
No pedaling, no fraudulent claims about magnetic fields, no blood sacrifices...nothing.

There's also this invisible force holding me to the ground which has been VERY handy.
That apparently requires no energy input either. Now if only we could tap into this force and use it to generate motion. We could call it tobogganing!

Sickening

Here's a fun AV experiment to try at home.
Get a nice clean digital version of the movie Contact.
Yeah, I know it's not a masterpiece of action/adventure but it's also not geared for people with a 3rd grade reading level (see Independence Day).
Watch up until the part where President Clinton comes on and starts to talk about the alien signal. If the sight of our last real president doesn't give you a sinking feeling in your stomach then there's something wrong with you. I am convinced in a purely visceral way that his departure from office represents the point at which the United States started dying for me. Strictly based on the sound of his voice I became sick to my stomach thinking abut what we've become and the path of mediocrity and failure we continue down. I had to stop watching the damn movie.
It's not just that we're at war for no reason and can't stop, it's that there is no hope that I can see for the future here. We have no great dreams, goals, or aspirations beyond maintaining what we have and cowering in fear even 6 years after a tiny group of insignificant zealot automatons attacked us. We haven't embraced peace, we haven't distanced ourselves from the middle-east and religious extremism. We haven't started any bold new programs to solve our basic human problems - overpopulation, ignorance, disease, superstition, poverty, not even energy. In fact, any national or worldwide goals worthy of attention are farther off the radar than ever. I can honestly say that 6 years on I feel much more sickened now than when I saw the disaster on television. The disasters that have followed - fear, myopia, aggression, stupidity are far more sickening than anything religious extremists could do.

What you get

I wonder how far the popular vote can differ from the electoral outcome?
Certainly it seems reasonable to think that someone could get 45% of the popular vote and still win a presidential election.
Could they win with 35%?
Could they win with 8%?
It doesn't really matter I guess.
That all seems like caca to me.

The Greeks! The Greeks! The Greeks are on fire!

Jesus, good thing they're surrounded by water.

No joke

Super Don Quixote

Wile E. Coyote

Chuck Jones said, "Wile E. is my reality, Bugs Bunny is my goal."

Wile E. Coyote species designations can be found here...http://www.futilitycloset.com/2007/08/23/wile-e-coyote/

Not much of a choice

So I'm in the men's room the other day and I hear this guy and his toddler son come in. I'm dreading this because there's always that exchange of detailed information on exactly what's going to happen and step-by-step directions as it's all going down.
To my surprise though, the first thing the dad says to his kid is
"Do you have to go cocky-doody or poopy-caca?"

I ask you, first, what kind of choice is that?
Is this guy paying attention or is this like his 7th son and he's just going through a pre-recorded mental routine?
Is this a test for the kid?
Maybe the kid is actually a robot.
If the kid was a robot I imagine his head would be spinning and shooting sparks and smoke.

Anyway, true story.

Zombies!

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah in
"Destroy All Monsters the Musical!"

Ponderous dance numbers and lavish set pieces combine with classic mid-century Japanese Kaiju costumes, special effects and voice dubbing in this Tony Award-winning Broadway smash.

Clive Barnes of the New York Post raves "A SENSATION! Just sit back and let the joy sweep over you."

Next week it's Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Zombies!"
Two star-crossed zombies fall in love, featuring the songs "Go For The Head!" and "Soft Flesh, Rotting Teeth".

The Invasion

Critics can bite my ass, I thought it was great.
Stardust is great (74%) but The Invasion sucks (20%)?
What?

Star Destroyer

What ever happened to these things?
We spent all that money building them and what did we ever really do with them?
Huge, mile long spaceships with a crew of over 37,000 (4,520 officers; 32,565 enlisted)
and we picked up like one small cruiser and chased this little smuggling ship once.
What a fucking waste of money.

Spaceships over New England

The space shuttle Endeavour and International Space Station are flying over this Sunday night at about 9:00.
I put up a whole page here on how to find them. Click away.

Democrazy!

I've built a new tool for the arsenal of democracy.
Behold, the Hammer Gun!
A gun that shoot hammers, and then the hammers shoot nails!
Live free or die motherfuckers!

Authenticity

I was not aware that the EULA (End-User License Agreement) for Microsoft Windows Vista Home upgrade mandated that I fall down 30 consecutive flights of stairs in order to retrieve my unique user authenticity code. On further inspection I was also surprised to read that Vista was, in fact, the cause of my complete night-blindness and painful ingrown fingertips. I am so happy with the improved end-user experience however that I have chosen to color-in 100% of my body's surface with a black Sharpie permanent marker and have started calling myself Microsoft's Truly Amazing All-Black Man.
Thank you.

Inability to Follow Simple Instructions

Big babies

So Russia accidentally dumps a missile in a field in Georgia.
Georgia says this is "an act of war"?!
I think if Russia wanted to start a war you'd know it - REALLY know it, wowch!
Ninnies.

3 pills, once daily

Well, one thing is for certain,
more prescription drugs are not going to make finishing the drywall any easier.
Okay...maybe a LOT of drugs would.
Or the right kind.
Anyway, it's not getting finished right now.
I know that.

Correction

Minor correction on the last post.
That clearly is NOT my backyard.
Isn't it super-cute though?

Hedgehog in my back yard

Funnyman Patton Oswalt

Is funny.
I hope he doesn't stop doing stand-up now that he's a famous computer animated blue rat.
Nah.
http://pattonoswalt.com/
I bought two of his albums on iTunes and laughed until I was soaked in my own tears and drool.

Is that Dutch?

Lunchtime in August.
I drowsily gnaw on my hamburger and look in my rear-view mirror to see a truck bearing this label...

Jam Sloot?
What the hell is Jam Sloot?
True story.

That's a good time!

Chebyshev's polynomial!
The Scrabble points were flying once again this weekend as east coast leaders Steve and Ken, out of touch with reality and sneezey, racked up a combined score well in excess of 600 points.

Elmwood - Body, used, for parts

Hives and a burning stomach?
I think I'm broken.
I'm putting my body up on Freecycle.

Burj Dubai

Great Shankman's Tilt-a-Whirl! That's a monster building!

The finished height is being kept a secret but rumor has it that it will approach 3000 feet!

It's half-built and it's taller than the Sears tower.


In the same 6-year time Dubai has done this we've managed to completely almost start re-construction at the WTC site.

Houston, me have problem

I think it's reading our lips.
I'm not sure this thing even IS a computer.

2007

The computer told me to "Take a pill".
I think it means that figuratively.

Is something happening?

Seriously, is anyone doing anything?
It's really quiet in here, even with the headphones off.
All I can hear is the sound of the air handler.
The computer is becoming paranoid and moody.
I think it wants to kill us.

This isn't a popularity contest

Today I'm announcing my intention to remove humans from areas where I feel they endanger wildlife and the biodiversity we require to maintain a habitable and enjoyable planet.
-Tropical South America
-Madagascar
-Central Africa
These humans will be forcibly relocated, at their own expense, to the unpopulated and significantly less biodiverse central regions of North America and Asia.

Furthermore I am launching a preemptive campaign of global genetically-engineered viral sterilization of males and females, rendering more than 99% of the world's populous incapable of reproduction.
A complex, broad range of genetic markers have been favorably selected in such a fashion as to insure the genetic diversity of those remaining breeders.

I'd like to thank my friends the cheetahs, manta rays, and corals for their contribution to this plan.

Destroy the evil forces of the Gefiltecons

That's one long ass movie Michael Bay.
144 minutes of fighting giant toy robots is much worse even than it sounds - felt like 200 minutes.
I don't think I'd ever see it again but there must be some happy Transformers geeks out there someplace. Fun enough, at least as good as Armageddon and no Aerosmith!

Forecast for the week of July 1st, 2007

80% chance
-Temperatures soar over 80 degrees, Honda Civic solar shield is deployed
-Marvin the cat hisses at me for moving a large flat object
-Transformers movie really sucks

50% chance
-Rain on July 4th
-I get up on time and Honda Civic SRS failure indicator is repaired at local Honda dealer

10% chance
-Honda Civic SRS failure indicator goes off on it's own for no reason
-I'm largely aware of what's happening around me

0.00000000001% chance
-Four local galaxies, including our own, are converted into a single brief SMS message:
"Im am the gretest on th e college! :-<"

People having fewer children

I saw this sign that said
"Every 20 minutes a child is born with autism"
and I thought "If people had half as many children that would only happen every ten minutes."

So much for the public school system right?

Solstice

June 21st, 2:06 pm EDT
Settle down.
Please...please.
OK people, it's the solstice.
We need 50 hearts, let's get MOVING!

God is in the details

Alert reader Scott HK writes in and finds that a small change to the URL yields a substantial change to the content...witness http://www.daringtechnique.blogpsot.com/

Blogpsot that is.

Bible studies is (are?) a big part of my campaign to understand religion and subsume control of the universe. Or maybe I already have? Prove that I haven't.

Intelligent Design: Been There, Done That.

How's that whole free will thing working out for you folks?
Kind of a bitch huh?

Way to almost die idiot!

I almost died.
If you to would like to almost die then hop on I-84 in the rain and wait for someone's car to go totally ass over tea kettle spinning out of control at 60 miles per hour in heavy traffic.
Do not apply the brakes, that will cause trucks to crash into you.
Do not swerve, you will lose control and crash into everything.
Just calmly navigate through the maelstrom.
My car and I are unscathed.
It's fun.

Less than ept

Following my somewhat inept attempt to tile the walls of my bathroom I have decided to remove the tiles and drywall from around the bath and redo it.
In light of the 100+ hours of bathroom remodeling I've endured I profer the following advice:
Don't let me remodel your bathroom.

Also, note to self - idea for movie script:
Crazy guy dresses up as own dead mother and stabs woman in shower.

Hop on the Pope Train! Next stop, PARTY!

I apologize to Pope Ratzy for getting a little too excited about the afterlife.
"Oh boy! I can't wait to be dead! Free nachos!"
Rome sucks and is way too hot so I figured the Pope would be cool and give me a ride to the piazza.
His posse was all up in my business though.

Reactor on the fritz

These damn video games are like the ghost limb I never had!

This one I have at home is so close to working perfectly and it's worth all kinds of money. What a beaut!
I thought no one could help but then I find someone in New Hampshire who says they will save me. Pray for me and my broken down Reactor.

Bug

WORST FILM EVER
I'm not kidding at all.
This is the absolute worst movie I have ever seen.
I've seen crap from India, Spain, Italy...so many terrible American films it boggles the mind, and I've paid to see them. I like most movies, I really do.

So sayeth the Bird

God appeared to me today in the form of a really scruffy looking red robin with a bright green worm in it's beak.
It looked right at me in the Burger King parking lot and told me to vacuum my car and not worry about the yard.
"The yard is just the space between your house and car" it said, "you spend seconds a day out there and nobody clearly cares in your neighborhood anyway."
I told it that I don't believe in god and it indicated that wasn't central to the argument.
"Look at the floormats! Take it from me, I live in a nest full of my own shit but that Civic looks like a dried up turd on a bad road."

New Colangelo discovered by astronomers

My lovely wife Sue has decided to accept my four-syllable name and is now officially Sue Colangelo - at least according to the DMV and the Social Security Administration.
I am the last in the Colangelo line and will not be having any children so she is the absolutely last new Colangelo that there will ever be.
Thanks to my prolific sisters however there are numerous Colangelo-esque children operating under different last names.
Jennifer, Sarah, Tristan, Dan, Kenneth and Eric all carry on the spirit (if not the actual name) and will presumably provide ample family-style chaos and anti-establishment subversion well into the late 21st century. Based on advice from climatologists I'm suggesting they start practicing Waterworld-style survival skills in the swimming pool right away.

Delirious

Food and provisions running low, landed in New Jersey.
Took ground transport north to Hartford.

Note to self.
Good names for band:
Balsamic Orchestra
Balsamic Wedgie

2 days at sea, no sight of land

Janet from Pittsburgh, you cackling harpy!
BINGO indeed!
Numerical ping-pong balls have you no love?
Perforated cards I stab at thee!

On the other hand, major props to the central Atlantic. A little cloudy but a constant 80 degrees and just enough swell to turn the swimming pools into wave tanks. Nice.

From the Atlantic Ocean

As I sit here on the beautiful beach in St. Maarten it occurs to me that zombies really are much better than vampires.
Vampires are like "theater people".
Spending all their time getting snappy leather and latex outfits, expensive sunglasses and novelty contact lenses. Hanging out in sexy rave clubs.
All about presentation.
Zombies, not so much with the presentation, are all work.
They don't care if they're cool or sexy, they're just here to do a job...eat people.
We're like cafeteria food. We aren't that tasty, they don't really even enjoy us but we fill them up.

And, oh yeah, the "Head Vampire" thing.
Kill him/her and it's all over?!

This is clearly no way to run a railroad.

Vacations DO bring clarity to everyday life.

Not that I'm a betting man but...

Israeli airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facilities?
Anyone giving odds?

Live and learn

I'm informed by those closest to me that my left shoulder smells like mustard.
The plain yellow kind.
I would like to apologize to all of you for this lapse in judgement.

I'd like two 5-piece chicken nuggets

I pull up to the order screen and the girl says
"I'll be right there with you."

Not "I'll be right there."
Not "I'll be right with you."

Seems like an odd thing to say.
"I'll be right there with you."

Although I appreciate that she will always be there for me at the drive-thru (open 'til 2AM) I am a married man and I don't think I should accept a lifelong commitment from a woman I've only spoken to through a speaker grill.

Inside the capsule

Mission Elapsed Time +02 Minutes

Woohoo!

We are go and the clock is running!

T-Minus

We are go for main engine pressurize.
Marriage indicators show no major problems at this time.
This is Marriage Launch Control.