Star Spanguled Banner = Still Waving

Post-Election "Home of The" Status:

Are we still free?
Mostly. Could I do this *unzip* in a public place if we were weren't?

Are we stil brave?
I personally have never had my bravery really tested.
Blind dates a possible exception.
I do frequently cut and run when presented with a losing scenario though.
That's called cutting your losses.

Speedy Mercury

Apparently the planet Mercury will transit the sun on my 39th birthday - Wednesday November 8th.
Mercury is the god of what again?
"commerce, travel and thievery" ?
According to my court astrologer this means that I will go on a business trip and steal thermometers.

Always a bad idea

Diversity training today

I arrive in my "Kill God and let 'em all sort it out" t-shirt and suggest that diversity is a two way street - let's try popularizing Ramadan by making it more like Easter. I suggest little chocolate Korans. I point out that eating one's God in a purely abstract sense has generated lots of revenue for the Catholics.

I'm hoping things go better at Sexual Harassment training.
I can see my next review..
Sexual Harassment: Exceeds Expectations

Alarming Trends

Although I have lost 38 pounds, recent analysis indicates that my keys will weigh more than me by the year 2100. At that time, flood water from global warming will cover most of the continental land masses - clearly a bad time to be weighed down with hundreds of pounds of metal keys.

I currently have more than a dozen keys, a small fraction of my overall weight.

Consider carbon

What a present!

"Here's some carbon baby!"
"It's indistinguishable from crystal but is 10 times more expensive!"

Now I've got this to compete with.



304 carats. Great.

"Look, I don't care if the North Koreans DO have a nuke, I am not getting you anything fissionable for our engagement."

Based on real life events

As I strive to make the largest burrito since the Apollo program I am reminded of the plight of our brave astronauts. In honor of their svelt Protestant bods I am endeavouring to make this burrito as low in carbohydrates as possible and then return it safely to the Earth.
God bless America and the horse it rode in on.
Good night.

Also the Romans

The Romans were nuts!
N-V-T-S nuts!
*Credit to Mel Brooks on that one

Life'f better

Iambf food for catf

Sweetness up in here

Core 2 Duo 2.4GHz Intel processor, overclocked to 3.2GHz
That's like an effective 6.4GHz for threaded applications.
2 gigs of PC6400 RAM
PCI-X expansion slot yet to be used.
This is a killer PC system and it hides in a classic Mac G4 case and it cost less than $700.

PC in a Mac

My dual-core PC in a Mac project is:
A) Off the hizzy
B) In the hizzy

I'm using it at work. Pictures to follow.

ATHF in February

The Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie has a tentative release date of February.
If this diet of tainted spinach doesn't kill me by then I will psyched!
Symptoms:
1) Foamy green diarrhea
2) Glitter or carbonation in urine
3) Luminous retinas and inverted hives on contact with any "O"s cereal
(Froot Loops included)
4) Cravings for carbohydrates

No more Paisley

Sadly I can no longer blame my lack of professional success on my previous employer Paisley the ferret. She has died.
I will miss her painless but furious play bites, her chirping, scampering, chaotic gallop down my hallway and her loving attention.
Such a precious tiny little monster/angel.
Less than one pound, but more than a match for me.

30 down

I've lost 30 pounds!

List of other body parts to jettison:
Navel - unused
Toe nails - unused
Appendix - unused

Ooch.
I can see where you might go with this list if you were a wiseass.

Forget I said anything.

Science is not funny

Vacuum cleaner?
Isn't that redundant.
My vacuum is already clean.

Is this thing on ?!

What are you people, zombies?

Oh, and about Pluto.
It has few representatives at the IAU, so I suspect it will be bullied and probably invaded by a force of IAU Security Council goons in the near future.
However...as someone who's done some inappropriate stuff at a circus, I can tell you, dwarfs are mean.

Pennsic

"Fighting to keep Pennsylvania crazy and violent since 1031."

I keed, I keed!
Good luck to our ambassaor to the past, Mike Monikowski.

But now you've missed "Snakes on a Plane"
It's a GREAT movie.

For me to poop on!

Swedish furniture

Ikea:

Lack.

It's called Lack. Not black.

LACK!

Like what there is in this sentence...

...of logic!

Geeks only - not funny

I just built a new computer and am quite surprised at how things have changed.

New processor - Intel back in business
First of all, the new Core 2 Duo processors from Intel (also called "Conroes") are simply so fast and can handle so much overclocking in addition, that there is simply nothing left that I can imagine anyone even wanting anymore. If for some reason you can't part with the $700-$1000 needed to get a real system like this you can bet your ass that the old ones, no matter how great they were, will soon be getting blown out for crazy cheap prices. AMD-based systems with Athlon 64's are now basically door stops, as are the old Pentium dual core machines.

Mid-range prices are up
It seemed there for a while that things would never again see the big performance leaps we expect in technology. For years we crept along with little improvements in clock speeds. Well, the clock speeds are all the same still (2 to 3 gigahertz) but the performance is off the damn scale. The system I just built has the exact same clock speed as my 3-year old system but is easily 4 times faster. There was a time when $100 CPUs reigned...along with $70 motherboards and $50 a gigabyte memory. They were a bit slower than the thousand dollar systems, but only idiots payed out the ass for the latest CPU. It looks like that has changed a bit now too. The new CPUs, motherboards, and DDR-2 memory are often double the prices we've come to expect and might stay that way for some time. Cheap systems (<$700) are now crappy systems. A cheap system today will be 4-6 times slower than the mid-range ($700-$1000) system. The premium systems are still not worth it but the free ride is over. The mid-range systems are now the sweet spot.

Overclocking is worth it again
For a while the business of pushing your computer beyond it's normal limits seemed like a waste of time and lots of money. Nitwits would water cool and nitrogen cool their "rigs" to get 25% more performance for hundreds of dollars. Screw that shit!
Now you can get a simple massive air cooler for $70 and squeeze out huge results. Just like with those sweet Celerons (anyone?) you can just turn up the speed dial and get a machine that's 50% faster or more...it pays.
My new system is running at a 40% overclock and I've just been tweaking it with minimal effort.

Who cares?
I don't know. Maybe we don't need faster computers.
Here are the only justifications I can think of:
Content creation (3D, digital video)
Games
High-definition video playback
Science
If you like Microsoft Office and Powerpoint and just use email and web browsing all day - good news! You can pick up a previous generation dinosaur that will be screaming fast for those rudimentary programs for next to nothing. Or just ignore the whole thing and wait for your current machine to crap out. You don't give a shit anyway so stop wasting my time. Oh, wait, I'm wasting your time.

No more anything, ever!

Damn you terrorists!
I had to throw out all my explosive beverages!

It's obvious that we need to ban everything, immediately!
What about colon-based explosive-liquid-filled condom IEDs triggered by a digital watch? Anything is possible, right? So let's live in fear and pass insane restrictions.

I say we drug and thoroughly detonate passengers during luggage check-in and then confiscate all surviving iPods, laptops, beverages, shampoo, nail files, pens and pencils and open a nifty duty-free shop to fund the war on terrorism.

We keep going after the tools of terrorism and ignoring the cause - our constant ass-fucking of insane hyper-religious cultures.

EVERYTHING is a terrorist tool! Anyone ever watch Mythbusters? MacGuyver?
But hey, if it saves one life.
I say fuck 'em! Sell fully automatic weapons, hardcore porn, and smack right off the goddamn beverage cart, at least we'll be free. And that way any potential terrorists will have a horny bunch of dope-addled, heavily-armed 'Minuteman' passengers to contend with.

I'm losing it.

Sorry for my lack of updates

I haven't updated nor apologized for my lack of updates in far too long.
Follow me?

OK, pay attention this time.
A. I update too infrequently
B. I do not apologize for this often enough

There WAS that one yesterday.
And this one.
I'm still sorry though.
I'm so busy lately.

Is that the worlds tiniest violin?
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

Babs' uvula!

It's time for democracy!
Time to vote in the primary for "not Leiberman" candidate Ned Lamont.
That'll change everything!
http://www.nedlamont.com/

Then we'll pull out of the middle-east completely! So long suckers!

Wait, no, that'll never happen. But we might cut our losses in Iraq?
Fat chance but you never know. Ah screw it.

Me and my gal

409 to 388!
We're like the fucking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of Scrabble!
Except we weigh more.

see and that doesn't even require you to take all your clothes off.

said you must be experiencing "missing time".
We were talking about that earlier.
Remember?

*black-out*

you can't just save them anywhere right?

What?!

The WMV profiles we've been talking about for the last 3 hours.

Phone etiquette

From now on when I call someone I'm not saying hello anymore.
I'm just going to shout "Hey stupid, get a pencil, take this down!"

Atkins Prison

Johnny Cash came to me in a dream and lo he sang.

[To the tune of Folsom Prison]

When I was just a baby
My momma told me son
Always be a good boy use your Fritos
Don't ever play with guns
But I shot a man in Reno with Fritos
Just to watch him die

This is REALLY what happened to me last night.

10 pounds gone

I have lost one "Marvin" in weight.

Atkins! Hope it doesn't kill me before it saves my life.
An eighth of a ton...I blame society.
Of which I am a member.
If you get my point.

The Lady on the Night Table

I found a half-inch copper torch on my bedside table.

Conclusion: nocturnal visitations by tiny Statues of Liberty.

Oh yeah, the Korean missile crisis

So North Korea has an ICBM it wants to test fire out over the Pacific.
Maybe it can reach the US.
Hey, no warhead on it, but still.
So El Presidente and his advisors are thinking maybe blow it up on the launchpad with a sub-launched cruise missile.
Anyone heard this?
Why is there NOTHING on the news?
They talk about the missile but no one is mentioning how we're likely to put the remote control boom-boom on the joint.
It might make the North Koreans or Chinese or South Koreans or Japanese and/or all humans somewhat nervous to hear about such a development.
I hope the World Cup is getting enough coverage.
"Zero to zero after an hour and a half of play."
Zzzzzz.

Straight to heaven

My one superpower, based on my weight, is that I can properly crush any box for recycling. Maximum - 3 feet by 3 feet.
This is the redeeming characteristic I'm expecting will get me into heaven.

Healthy competition

Countering recent price cuts by competitor Intel, AMD announced today it's new octuple-core processor architecture codenamed "Fejaslee Blowfane"
(fedge-uh-slee blow-fane)
In a press release, AMD stated that "This will assure we remain the vanguard of codenaming for the next several years."

New job keeping kids from hanging out in front of the drug store

This community college is sweet - crazy benefits, small department full of nutty intellectuals, casual clothes, nice office, speedy commute, non-harmful organization, lots of cool tech.
It's slow right now because it's summer so I'll have time to learn all their systems before major courses start in the fall. I hope I can groove here for a long time.

Thank you for your silence

When I inserted the Q-tip in my ear and said,
"It's just a habit.
I don't know why I do this.
There's nothing in there."
thank you for not saying anything.

Hissing

Why is this cat hissing at me?

Burping it doesn't seem to have helped any.

Jane Austen-tatious!

I'm considering writing a series of Jane Austen sequels in the form of classic arcade games. No, not really.
As Austen knew though, it's all about choosing a good title.
Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Like that.

The phonetic start of the words must be the same but they must not share a common meaning or base word. Also, it's good to have them be based on a unifying concept.

Crab fishermen in the Bering Strait
= Pinheads and Pincers

Stealing the fruit basket from an unconscious patient
= Hospital and Hospitality

It's fun kids, make your own!
A-to-Z! I'll get you started...
Ass and Aspirin
Bassinets and Basketballs
Condoms and Condiments

Having never read Jane Austen, nor seen any of the dreadful movies, I have no educated commentary other than to mock the titles of her books.
I would be a real bastard if I didn't give credit to http://austentatious.blogspot.com/, a real Jane Austen blog that isn't that funny but perhaps will tell you something about Jane Austen.

Keeping Connecticut more smarter

I have secured a position with the state at a community college as a Media Information Technology Innovation Associate of Something. My duties will encompass changing the urinal cakes and keeping greasy fingerprints off the glass doors in the Student Center.
My current superior, Paisley the ferret, is upset that I will be leaving my post here at home but I have given her 3 pieces of peanut butter cereal and I think she feels better now. I feel that she has been holding me back from achieving my full potential. I am over 200 times heavier and at least 1.5 times smarter than her and have always been uncomfortable calling her "boss" despite her formidable claws and teeth.
My colleagues, Sam and Marvin the cats, are holding a week-long going away bash for me. By "going away bash" they apparently mean sleeping in front of the windows and basking in the sun until drool pools around their heads. "When in Rome"...am I right?

Seriously, I wasn't cut out for crushing poverty and living with animals. I send my profound thanks to the nice folks at the college and look forward to sharing the skills I've developed as a freelancer...sleeping until 3:00PM and making a big mess.

Rent is killing me

"Rent" the movie.

Ready!
Aim!
SING!

Now I need to blow the insipid songs out of my head with a fucking bullet.

If you can't stand La Boheme for 4 hours what you need is 2 hours of this shit.
I'd rather see La Boheme on a non-stop roller coaster for 3 months with my underpants full of steel wool and drill bits.

Ghost nitwits

An American Haunting - When your daughter is the victim of a violent poltergeist I think it's been shown that the best thing to do is SOMETHING.

"Every night she's hanging by her hair, getting speed-slapped by demons, the windows explode, she gets ghost-raped, and then we can't get into her room.
It's crazy...for like a month now.
Still, I tuck her in and hope for the best.
Oh and my husband is being killed by demons also..coughing up blood all night...what a mess. I sure hope they stop. More tea?"

Idiots!

Hell on Earth

Wow, I lasted one day. 11PM-8AM...by 3AM I felt like literally throwing up. These companies are barely sub-infinite tangles of servers, OSes, mainframes, proprietary command-lines and hundred of terabytes of files.
What the hell?! - a tape backup system with 400 80GB cartidges? 32,000 gigabytes in just ONE data center. These companies aren't building nuclear weapons or simulating black holes, it's just fucking paperwork! They don't produce ANYTHING!

And the environment - windowless, open floorplan, squeeky loud ventilation, fluorescent lights, no breaks, no lunch, and I'm 3 locked doors away from a speedy escape. I'd compare it to something out of 'Brazil' but it was so much worse.
Christ, humans were not meant to work in those environments and at those hours. That place was unfit for a planaria, much less an attractive upper mammal like myself.

'Don't ever work for an insurance company' seems to be the lesson I've learned in my first 40 years.
Onward and upward I guess.

Easter Races

Top-fuel, alcohol-burning, nitrous-blown, funny car, all-Jesus drag race the wrong way down I-95!

25 fire-breathing Catholic-themed funny cars driven by Our Lord Christ himself take to the public throughway to show who's got the goods to shut down the unbelievers!

IAEA-sanctioned Trident-launched fireworks after sunset for the whole family!

Full-time reaping

Next week I start my horrid, third-shift, vaguely-defined, IT drudgery job for the innovative and exciting startup Traveller's insurance.
11:30PM to 8:00AM, that leaves plenty of time for..
Friends?
Family?
Movies?
Shopping?

I'm praying for tripods.


Nothing says quitting time like...

It's just like here

Just don't go to Japan...because apparently this is what will happen.
I really don't think there is anything I can say about this.
Click here to see the thing.

D for Democracy

We needn't blow things up and make with the stabby-shooty to get our way.
We can just move to a country that thinks more like we do..and learn their language.
Maybe.
Get it while it's hot kids!

Incomepoop

This is just to notify the federal government that I will be expecting all that money I gave you back this year. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but I think we need to settle up. If you need to take the interstate highway out of my back yard I will understand. I won't need it anymore since I can no longer afford a car or insurance. Also...any foreign invaders? Yeah, I'll take the hit if they come knocking.
The Japanese attacked our fleet once but they look too busy figuring out how to medicate themselves properly to bother with that again anytime soon. Speaking of which, I also want healthcare.
Thanks for being there for me,
Ken

Stink

Just because you can't smell doesn't mean you don't smell.

For every action

As cows all over the world disappear...
http://www.cowabduction.com/
...I find myself the unwilling recipient of innumerable cows from alien spacecraft.

My small yard, less than 0.25 acres, is unable to support even one cow during a harsh winter and the ones that have been turned inside-out, although vibrantly colored and miraculously alive, cannot feed themselves nor provide me with the milk I need to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle.

I will be contacting the "grays" and reminding them who is in charge.

Simple misunderstanding

After extensive experience it occurs to me, only now, that there is a substantial difference between...
The Half Moon Sober Festival
and
The Half Sober Moon Festival.
I apologize to any folks in recovery that I may have offended with my "display".

Another dollar

There is another button on your alarm clock.
When the clock goes off in the morning you can press the button and you will skip forward in time to 5:00 P.M.
You will learn and experience nothing.
You will age 8 hours as usual but perceive no time passing.
Zap! It's quitting time.
You still get paid.
How often will you press the button?
Will you press it tomorrow, Monday morning, when you get up?

Hoboken! Oooo, I'm dyin' again!

The penguin of winter has woken me from dreamy slumber...



...and taken a big crap on me.

Toothless Wookies and Worthless Turkeys

Mistuh Prez-oh-dent, where do I get a job?
Seriously, I need a job.
Can I pay credit cards with cat poop?

Seattle Seahawks: Seismically challenged

They are from a more seismically active area than Pittsburgh and therefore lost.
It's just a fact.
I'm not trying to put down the Steelers but they do have the advantage of living in an area almost totally free of earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis.
Oh, and mud and debris flows, and lahars.
It's not even really a fair game when you have to play a bunch of privileged mid-continental asswipes.

Solid, liquid, gas, plasma and...

The stuff stuck to the bottom of my left shoe is this sort of Bose-Einstein condensate.
I *HAVE* been keeping my left show in a laser cooler...
..and...yes...I *WAS* making optical mollases out of rubidium.

Maybe I can use a spatula or spatulae to scrape it off.

Steve, you ARE the expert on this application...do you have anything to contribute?
Here's all you need to know about the non-spatula(e) issues.
http://www.colorado.edu/physics/2000/bec/

This just in: Ow!

I hurt my hand.
Don't worry, I'll be okay.
I'll tell ya, I don't even feel the fingers anymore.
Ooooch.

6 blades: New national imperative

2 blades, 3 blades, 4 blades...
holy shit!

5 blades.
This thing is so totally going to shave my fucking face that I will probably die!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9340767/

The "Fusion" aspect may not be a good idea. (?)
You've got all kinds of lymph nodes in your neck.

By the way, top four biggest sources of US imported oil...
Canada, Mexico, Nigeria, Venezuela?
Is that right?
The mid-east provides about 20% of our oil?

Once again, I propose that the best mid-east doctrine is to ignore them.
Completely.

Messages from my computer

My computer just alerted me to the following, no joke...

"Verifying The Incredible..."

That was its way of telling me that the volume called "The Incredibles HD" was verified. It apparently ran out of letters.

Lord of Chaos!

My friends are all either self-destructing or being destroyed by a swirling vortex of chaos this month.

Betrayal!
Assault!
Kidnapping!

Maybe February will be better.
Hey, Valentines Day always cheers people up.
?

Screw it

It's too windy to go to Pluto, I'm going back to bed.

This is Atlas launch control, LO2 at 60%

We're sending a rocket to Pluto today.
http://pluto.jhuapl.edu/launch/index.php

Also, I think my horrible singing has broken my thermostat.
I was singing "If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring." etc.

Atlas launch control says that "all steps through 247 are complete."
...so you've got to be happy about that.

Euphemisms

girlswithbadbacks.com
That has a certain ring to it.
(pornonthecob.com is apparently already taken)

In other news...

On this personally tragic day I think I'd like to quote DEVO:
It's a beautiful world we live in,
a sweet, romantic place.
Beautiful people everywhere,
the way they show they care
makes me want to say,
It's a beautiful world.

We brothers got to stick together.

Happy New Year!

A disgusting abomination in a galaxy of terror?

No, that's the cat box.

Transit trike "Pedal faster cityboy!"

Idiot New Yorkers! Ha! Trains and buses - that'll never work!
The rest of us use cars and we'll stop at nothing - even poisoning the atmosphere!

Oh, I made myself sad.

As if you didn't know

I was, of course, referring to the Isaiah I. Jefferson Memorial Maritime Alligator Table.
Why, what did you think?

I vote for "Die Trying"

I know, that's just mean.
Sorry.

Lunesta: The horses can't save you.

"There's a horse downstairs...
and it's acting like Jesus."

That is what one person had as a hallucination induced by my current sleep aid.
For me it just makes everything taste bitter.
Plus I don't have a downstairs.
Ranch baby!
Any horses acting like Jesus will just have to wait in the living room.

Time to try some warm milk, or maybe someone can hit me with a golf club or something.
This shit is too crazy for me.

What's a guhgortion?

Let's see...
38 x 4 + 3 = 155

Yes, I'm in my 155th trimester.
This is how I look on ultrasound.

Looks like mom shoulda lightened up on the mixed drinks.

My super powers

1. Hot Feet
The ability to make my feet warm by simply concentrating on it. They actually get hot to the touch if I visualize pulling boots off my frozen feet, like when I was a kid and came in from playing in the snow.

2. Super-Corrected Vision
Using contact lenses my vision is corrected to better than 20/20, often registering 20/5. This means I can see at 20 feet what people with "perfect" vision can see at 5 feet.

I sometimes wonder if that might be due to my optometrist's somewhat lackluster homemade eyechart.

The grays are back

Three of them.
Short, 4-feet tall, dull gray skin like a dolphin, big black angry featureless eyes.
They think I'm paralyzed as I lie there in bed, eyes wide open in mock terror.
They are close. They're built like walking rootballs - gangly, weak limbs, fragile paper-thin skeletons, bloated midsections like pumpkins. Too much time in the comfort of low gravity.
I lash out and hit one in the head with the bedside stained glass lamp. Shards of leaded glass stick in it's soft oversized noggin like porcupine quills. The heavy wrought iron lamp base, covered in felt, butts it right in the face like a speeding black iron wall.
I kick with both feet from my lying position and connect with the second ones distended abdomen, it stumbles backward and hits it's melon head against the rock-hard plasterboard wall. I pull off one of it's long spindly arms like a turkey leg and reach out to trip the third one who is running like a scared little girl with it's hands in the air. It falls through the open bedroom door face first and slides into the hallway.
Three more for my research colleagues at the UCONN medical center.
I wonder if the visitors are figuring out that the sleep hypnosis device is counteracted by my anti-depressants?


So many now. So stupid. So trusting.
It's almost sad.

Flush with confidence

After several days of rain my front yard has been excavated and a totally new sewer line installed from the house to the MDC West Hartford sewer system.
My quality of life will improve dramatically with this major expenditure.
I can flush huge objects now.
I'm beginning with an old desk and a radial arm saw.

Busty cops deployed to assist in disaster

Don't believe the hype.
I don't think busty cops and erotic cakes are going to help as much as we've been told by our government.

Plus..."Assist in disaster"?
Is that really the way that should read?
They might be making things WORSE on purpose!
Such are the nuances of the written language.

Anti-hurricane vests and balms unproven

Clearly hurricane prevention technology is still in it's infancy. I think when it's a mature and proven technology we should roll it out and help these people. Sure it's too late now but I can only imagine that they'd appreciate the gesture in lieu of any other kind of support.
Hey, what could it hurt?

Things I'm glad aren't in my general area...
25 feet of water
Feces
Urine
Alligators
Snakes (see https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog)
Armed gunmen
Corpses
135 mile-per-hour winds

It's gotta suck I should imagine.

I think I'll give someone who handles this sort of thing some money.
Wait, isn't the government supposed to help people in some way?
Guess not.

Mayday!

"9-1-1...emergency services."

---"THERE'S A WOMAN IN MY HOUSE!"

"Sir, calm down."

---"ANIMALS...STRANGE ANIMALS!"

"Is this an emergency? Are you OK? What is your address...where are you..."

---"THE LITTLE ONE IS BITING!"

"What is the nature of your emergency?"

---"Actually, it kind of tickles. (laughing)..look at that...she can't break the skin!"

"Idiot."

Day Three

Now there is Marvin. He is a medicated cat, slower than he was last week.
He is still freaked out by his new surroundings and will not be meeting Sam until September 15th.
You are apparently supposed to make sure male cats adapt to sharing their environments for a time before actually allowing them to meet face to face.

Marvin refused to be photographed for this article.

Day Two

Now there are four.
Me, Sue, Sam, Paisley.
Paisley is the smart one.
Q*bert and Galaga have left the building and made way for the one-pound majesty of a creature who thrives on dried pineapple and potato chips. Paisley has all the characteristics of a puppy but is box trained (mostly) and is clearly more intelligent. She is curious in the extreme and eager to wrestle with me, despite my substancial weight advantage and color vision.
Also, my species has nuclear weapons.
Still she bites.
She can't even break the skin.
It's tragically comic to be attacked by such a lovable little monster.

Day One

There are more clothes in my home than at any time before.
I fear I may be crushed beneath them if a sturdy and attractive storage system is not located soon.
Also more wicker.
Baskets...who needs so many baskets?
I am unsure if potpourri is involved.

Moment of Zen

To all my friends at the Daily Show (Ø) I would like to thank you for a special day in the sweltering New York of Manhattan.
To the Amtrak Acela rail people I would like to say that a "high-speed" train needs to arrive before the regular speed service that is provided. I know that local sissies don't like fast trains on their backyard railroad tracks - they like to park their cars there. They relish the 45 minute symphony provided by your 30 mile-per-hour Metro North clunkers as they pass through their blighted neighborhoods and
I suggest to you though the following mathematical argument.
High Speed > Regular Speed
Furthermore, up the people's collective bungholes!
We need speedy bullet trains now!
When I see cars pass me on I-95 as I ride America's premiere high-speed rail service I become confused and belligerent, screaming that "I'm all taking over these whole train! MAKE GO FAAAST!" Then I spend the night in train jail and no one really wins do they?

New planet in our system

There has been a new planet discovered in our solar system.
This makes 10.
Ok, terrestrials here's the lineup and a comparison of sizes...
. Mercury
. Venus
. Earth
. Mars
O Jupiter
o Saturn
o Uranus
o Neptune
. Pluto
. This new one
Someday this will mean something to most people, right now I'm not sure most folks even know which planet they're on.
Hint: It's the third one.

OK, knock it off

Stop having so many babies.
Everyone, please.
Yes, you there!
Put that thing away - you're killing me.

Painting partner

One thing you do not want to hear from your painting partner in the other room is...
"Do you have a special tool to get my head out of this bucket?"

Nor, when asked to explain what would prompt such behavior, do you want your partner responding...
"I got thirsty."

Boo-boos

If you're going to hang closet doors and drive a deck screw through your thumb nail make sure to use the fine thread screws, the coarse thread ones don't hold as well.

Spacemen from Banana River

According to an article about the postponed launch of the space shuttle,
"About 10 miles from the launch site along the Banana River, scores of shuttle watchers ..."
Banana River?
We launch our spacecraft, our embassadors to the cosmos from Banana River.

We are contacted aboard the space station by aliens, perhaps millions of years more evolved than we are.
We then have to explain that
"We just arrived...
after leaving...
from Banana River.
Down there. See it?"

This is how it happens.
Judging us harshly, the aliens instantly turn all humans inside out like so many kernels of popcorn.
They move on.

Volatile Organic Clompounds

Thank goodness there is no harmful fumes released from latex paint.
Still though, they are stinky.
I'm feel like something is wrong central with my nervous system or brain but am also dizzy and a little woozy.
I'm lie down on the floor until tomorrow later.

Saturn is spinning more slowly?

In a BBS News article on findings of the Cassini probe.
"And Saturn is rotating seven minutes more slowly than when probes measured its spin in the 70s and 80s - an observation experts cannot yet explain."
If this isn't an error in measurements taken by Pioneer and Voyager(s) then this is the wierdest damn thing I've heard of in quite a while.
It IS NOT my fault. I never touched it.

I hate horses

This guy hates horses even more than me.
http://horsehater.blogspot.com/
Thanks to Steve for this one.

Sleepy Vader

War of the Worlds

The aliens stomp humanity thoroughly. It's extremely realistic looking. The characters are cliches but so tolerable compared to Lucas.
We really get our asses kicked, did I mention that?
That's gotta be worth something.
No one is going to like this because it has no glorious ending just a simple dead end like the book. No apologies...The End, boom, go home.
Mercilessly scary and dark.
I love it.

Order of the Day

Respirator
Goggles
2.25 inch scraper
Sanding (60-grit orbital)
Skim coating
Corn Nuts (Original flavor)
Seltzer water
Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" motion picture soundtrack
Air conditioning
CHECK!
SIR, YES SIR!

I smell like goats.
Used goats.

Forecast: RUN LIKE HELL!

Hastings, Nebraska

You've never even ridden in a horse.

I hate horses.
They are like giant, insane cows.
Where did our romantic attachment for these monsters come from?
Just because it's stupid enough to let you ride it, doesn't mean it loves you or understands anything. They're herd animals that grew too tall.
I know you're thinking "But they're so smart and beautiful and powerful. And plus, you've never even ridden one."
You're right. That's because 50% of the people I know who ride them have been seriously injured at some point.
They step on you.
They kick you.
They bite you.
They throw you.
You fall off them.
They fall on you.
They get 'spooked' by a 'sound' or some other cosmic distrubance like a blade of grass or someone farting on a distant planet and then they go insane and crush you up against a wall.
You hit your head on something because the horse is so smart it can't figure out that you require more clearance than it does. Also, it's so compassionate and loving it comes back to make sure you're OK. Oh, that actually never happens.
They sweat foam.
They foam at the mouth.
They have bowel movements the size of full 35 gallon trash bags.
They urinate a minimum of 3 gallons at a time.
They cost a fortune to maintain.

So they're beautiful? In what way?
They're gangly, fragile, moody, stinky tall cows.
Have you ever seen a tiger, a hummmingbird, or a manta ray?
Now look at a horse. Be serious, don't waste my time.

They're powerful?
Sure, they're stronger than us (they are also bigger so that really isn't a miracle) but their stupidity and poor design make them useless half the time because they break some part of their body and are injured or have to be killed. Or better yet, they live on for years like huge convalescent rump roasts using up space and money.
Power without control. Oh, that's right, they have such subtle and complete control they manage sometimes to jump over small objects with a rider on their back. Only sometimes do they fall, killing the rider and possibly themselves. Wow, they jump over objects half their height. Oh wait, even a bush pig or a human can do that.

They're smart?!
No. They aren't. Let's not confuse insanity with complexity. Just because they react in random, often hazardous, ways to the slightest input doesn't make them smart. That means they're inbred freaks that we created so we could hitch a ride. They're batshit crazy and haven't even the intelligence of a chihuahua. Do they catch frisbees? Can they speak in sign language? You'd be lucky if you can teach them to sit down or even stop running when you want them to. Wait, after years of training they can be taught to prance. You want smart? Go ask a chimpanzee what it thinks of your horse. It'll sign back "Horses stupid animals. Smelly. Hurt Bobo. Bite Bobo. Where kitty?"

Batman: The Horse

Thinking it was an 'impossible odds' story about a horse with no legs and an alcoholic 5-year old girl jockey, I was persuaded to see a film I was assured was titled "Batman: The Horse". It was, however, "Batman Begins" - which did have a horse in it. It was just fine. I recommend it.

And plus too...

I'm overweight.
I HAVE to diet.
Well, I may not have medical coverage or a place to live soon. I sure as hell can't find a job. But I will have substancial reserves of moderately toxin infused body fat to live off of.
Also, Democrats are idiots.
So is George Lucas.
What was I thinking?

I'm not going to help anymore

That's it.
America gets what it wants.
Best of luck assh0les.
What we need is another 8 terms of republican presidents and then I can just die knowing that things are going to go in a predictable direction.
I'm tired of holding out hope for America and it's 'potential'.
Let's face it we're a bunch of goddamn idiots, we have only the capacity to decline.
We have no long- or short-term plan of any kind that I'm aware of. It's impossible for us to engage in civil engineering of any scale greater than 5 years because those in power will not benefit from the eventual positive result.
We cling to superstition in the face of overwhelming, measurable reality.
Astronomy? The Pope? Oh yeah, he represents the invisible man in the sky. I forgot.
The class divide seems to be widening to me.
How many people do you know who are in economic decline? How many are ascending?
Civil war? Totalitarianism? Mass indentured servitude? Never ending war? Plague? I can't imagine a positive outcome for this place any longer.
How can anyone who isn't self-deceiving pretend that soon we will have an improved society in which an educated electorate brings about rapid change in free elections when it's clear that the winner will always be the guy who simply looks more presidential? Defined here as a new universal constant embodied by Martin Sheen.
When will we pass an amendment stating that medical treatment, housing, food, water, and a free chance at education and betterment are assured to all.
When will we extract from the wealthy the dues they evade and yet are still permitted to leach off the society?
Now that is a rant.
Can anyone present a compelling rationale for improvement of any kind?

Qualified ceiling painter sought

I am covered with white specks.
The floor is covered in white specks.
The white specks stick to my sweaty skin.
The specks get in my eyes.

Never try to texture paint a ceiling and never try to remove it.
Just get someone to demolish your house.

George Lucas learning to write

There was only about 1 minute of painful dialog in this latest and last Star Wars. Other than that it was pretty fun and a little dark.
I think he should stop now though, with the Star Wars movies, TV, cartoons, musicals, toys, games and industrial adhesives.
Someone could write some NEW science fiction movies?
Maybe about the future or set in space or something.
Yes! War of the Worlds! H.G. Wells has this book about Martians invading Earth!
No one on Mars though. See, here are the pictures. Pretty boring place.
OK, that won't work. We'll just make anything we want and call it War of the Worlds but give it to a good director and maybe it'll fly.
THEN we can work on some new movies.
Hey! Those superhero comic books from the 1970s?
Live action Fat Albert?
That's science fiction right? Hmmm.

This call may be recorded

So, if I don't get my prescriptions filled I turn what I can only describe as "inside-out and covered with red algae". Knowing this, my insurance company and benefits coordinator managed to foul up my coverage so that it was listed as cancelled - despite paying them in excess of $10,000 this month alone. My pharmacy told me that in order to afford my meds without coverage I'd need to "drop my drawers" and perform a simple dance. Unwilling to do so, without them even asking for my "social", I returned to my benefits coordinator and asked her to respond to a few simple questions in order to improve the quality of service.

Regarding the cancellation of my insurance for one week despite my excessive payment...

Mary, how would you rate the level of service provided during the week ending 5/6/2005?
A. Totally up the schwazole
B. Merely IN the schwazole

Her reluctant response suggested that she was uncomfotable with this line of questioning. I suggested she call back during working hours and rub something viscous and permanently discoloring in her hair.

The Seventh Blade

I think I pushes the Q-Tip in so far and now have the cotton on my brain.

The first blade grabs the hair.
The second blade shaves incredibly close.
The third blade double checks to make sure you are shaved.
The fourth blade is there in case the third blade is incapacitated and unable to fulfill it's duties.
The fifth blade is a backup.
The sixth blade is purely for show, that way one blade always looks pristine.
The seventh blade is there to honor the spirits of the dead.

Twin blades.
Triple blades.
Four blades?
So five is the new goal?
Just because we CAN do something doesn't mean we should.
We did that cloning thing and now they're running all over creation pissing on transformers and shorting them out. Plus, let's face it, they can't handle the responsibility of a credit card.

Secret machine

Send less injustice

DAMN!
Grit your teeth as hard as you can and exhale all the air out of your lungs.
That's what happens when you're FURIOUS!
Stupid Scrabble Hasbro dictionary pig-f*ckers!

MULCHERS!

MULCHERS DOWN FROM A TRIPLE WORD CORNER!
NOT A WOOOOOOOOOORD! AHHHHHH!
MULCH is OK.
MULCH, MULCHES, MULCHED, sure. That makes sense.
Who EVER heard of a machine or person who makes ever-donkey-farting-MULCH?!
How could the lexicographers ever imagine something or someone who produces MULCH!

That's like a million points down the guano vortex! 100+ points!
AaaaahhhhhHH! [rending of clothes]
SPOOT!

The chosen one

After eating a whole genoa salami grinder it came to me in a dream.
Chewbacca is Darth Vader's son.
Luke was just a decoy to distract Vader to the point of self-destruction and get rid of the Emperor. The inept Jedi needed to be put off the scent too so that they didn't botch another simple protection job. "Ooo yeah, we'll hide the child on Vader's home planet, he'll never look there." Right. ;-)
In the end everything cancels out - all the real Jedi die, all the Sith die and balance is restored. No more force for anyone. Balance baby! Just hairy Chewbacca who has no force but seems to be likeable enough. Oh, yeah, Luke and Leia are twins and neither has the force. That was just a placebo effect caused by Obi Wan and his insistence that Luke was something other than the dirt farming nitwit he so clearly is. The young want to hear that they're special. In reality they are not. Luke will soon discover that his powers do not stand up to the critical eye of science and he will retire into obscurity. Chewbacca can pull your arms off though and between him and Han Solo's kids the galaxy is in good hands.

Treasury bastards

Shouldn't the feds already know what I make if they get all my income vouchers?
Why would they then ASK me to tell them how much I made?

"Oh...me...I made...
seven dollars actually!"
"It's amazing!"

Just send me the bill you twits.
I can't exploit any loopholes anyway.
Oh, and stop pissing my hard earned (?!) money away on invading places I have no use for. Hey, invade the country I like to call
"Minimal-Military-Necessary-to-Provide-Defense-Land"

You f*cking turds.

Vatican finds new pope, departure from tradition

The Vatican's College of Cardinals has announced the appointment of a new Pope without the traditional and lengthy process of deliberation. Also in breaking with tradition, the new pope will be an egg-laying female named "Hive Alpha the First" and be among the few pontiffs to have a set of retractable inner jaws.

"This comes as a surprise to those in the developing world who had hoped for a Latin-American or African to be among the candidates for the position." said veteran Vatican correspondent Sylvia Poggioli of NPR news. "Xenomorphs make up such a small fraction of the Catholic faithful around the world."

Kill THAT animal?

Hunting seems like an unpleasant thing to me.
Maybe there is some joy in the natural environment?
Is it about killing a living thing? That can seem like fun but what a damn mess though. Just kill a co-worker - plus they have it coming.
Maybe it really tastes great? (The meat, not the underpants.)
Anyone ever seen a slaughterhouse though? Anyone ever think "That's for me!"?
Killing for food is like digging for your own oil so you can make the synthetic stretchy band for your underpants. I say it's best left to the pros.
Certainly I've eaten my share of the natural world.
*Cough* Whopper with cheese from the rainforest *Cough*
Excuse me.
But why would you want to spend free time...ah screw it.
Knock yourself out.