Delicious

The great thing about contact lenses is they absorb the flavor of whatever you cook them with.

Big Juju

I have this pain in my foot.
I knew I shouldn't have given voodoo dolls as Christmas presents.
Escpecially not of myself.

Ow! My neck.

Scandal

In what promises to be another in a never-ending chain of scandals involving people having sex,
I wish to announce that I've had non-consentual sexual relations with everyone in the following areas.

Not dead

Despite having seen Ocean's Twelve, I am not dead.
I had heard that it caused death but I found that it only slowed my breathing.
I found it enjoyable and warm in the theater and my Cherry Coke tasted a little like PineSol - which I like. The three other people in the audience seemed distracted by the movie and were not responsive to my hollered comments about "liking a woman with a little meat on her bones." You know what I mean right? Anyway, I threw my shoe and hit one of them in the throat but, like I said, they seemed to be watching the movie the whole time.

Who's in there?

Man, don't ever look down your throat with a flashlight when you're sick.
Now I know why doctors get paid so much.
Lordy.

Hysterical weeping

The flag is always at half mast these days.
No, don't check your fly.
I mean the US flag.
It seems like it didn't used to be, even during the 1st Iraq war.
I always considered a lowered flag to be the equivalent of America weeping.
Weeping all the time is hysterical weeping and indicates a mental disorder of some kind.
Plus if we're so weepy about every soul lost in combat why do we send folks into harms way for such stupid reasons.
Bring them home, screw the middle-east, and put the flag back up.
Stop blubbering. It's embarrassing.
And America, stop wiping your nose on me. Use a Kleenex damnit!

Is this how we want it?

F***in' everywhere

So watch out citizens, there's f***in' ice, f***in' everywhere.
You'll fall and bust you gonzombi. (gahn-zome-bee)

Also, if you're a giant bat, with say...uhhh...a 12-foot wingspan (?)...
...yeah, if that's you, I won't be needing any dreams like that anymore.
Good job though.

After waking at 3AM, my hair measures 2.8 on the Richter scale.
You can sort of feel that there's something happening,
but it doesn't knock stuff over.

So they tell me

Hoping that they are right I will post here to this blog.