Return of the Snake Attack

Although it did appear that Steve had succumbed to the attacking serpents, he has re-emerged like a Christmas zombie!
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

It's no normal blog, it's extra safe. Locked down with a secure certificate that wards off the weak and simple.

Also, Bolivia <-> Oblivia. What was Simon Bolivar thinking?!
Now I'm never going there.

A message from our sponsor

Steganography?
Priapism?
Marburg virus?

Try Dr. Bamford's No Soap soap alternative!

Don't make fun of him

I think my cat is functionally illiterate.

Everything is fine

That last posting was totally uncalled for.
I'm having some stress at work and there's this guy with glasses that's following me around.

I think he's after my new PDA.

Discouraging

Have you ever been so discouraged that you wanted to take off your pants and do butt scoots on the carpet like a dog with worms?
Now THAT'S discouraged!

SETI

Search for Evergreen Tree Intelligence. See, they have their dish pointed at the tree, instead of the sky which is where the satellite is. That's the joke as I see it.

Hi, my name is Ken...

...and I'm a Futurama geek.
(Hi Ken!)

Good news!
The new disk (disc?) is out and it's brilliant! Bender's Big Score!
Everyone go out and buy at least one of the Futurama movie DVDs so Fox will make more for me. Just buy them and throw them out if you have to, I don't care.
Consider it a Christmas gift.
This is the best Christmas EVER!
And by Christmas I mean November 30th.*
And by best ever I mean not as good as when I discovered internet pornography.
But that wasn't Christmas.
Although in a way it really was.


*Happy birthday to reader Steve Douglass who lives on an island and is 12 years old today. Any pubes yet?

Confusing times

Since turning forty I have
1) washed the washing machine
2) thrown out a trash can

I want a nuke!

Hey! Government and companies! Listen up you dickheads!
Put a nuke right in my damn backyard and give me a 2-passenger electric car that has a 150 mile range. You could also use the massive tidal power in Long Island Sound but I know that's just too weird so screw it, I'm 40 now and I don't have time to fuck around.
And hey, if the nuke gets out of control just let me know and I'll get the fuck out.
It's probably covered by my insurance anyway and that house is getting fucking OLD.
Let's rock some 'too cheap to meter' electrons in this motherfucker like they said we'd get in the 60s! We can use the juice to shoot down any incoming missiles and fucking withdraw from everywhere.
Oh yeah, and go bury that radioactive waste some other damn place, like out in the desert there. We're never going to stop making warheads anyway, so as long as there's gonna be a big nuke dump we might as well get some cheap electricity out of it.

Shit

So in like 26 minutes I'm going to be 40.
I've seen a lot in 40 years (not really) and I'm ready for some surprises now.
This is NOT what I had in mind but I wish them luck in what will surely be a challenging project which, if successful, will change our lives forever.

Actual photo from my neighborhood.

Typo

'Carpentry at it's Best!'

Shouldn't that be its?

Why didn't they list Erecting Crosses on their truck?
I don't know what kind of Calvary Contracting they're into, but it's* not a Calvary without some crucifixions.

*Contraction of 'it is'

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm going to be 40.
By the time Jesus was 40 he had been dead for 7 years.
Yeah, I know, 'risen' from the dead.
Risen to where?
Heaven?
Sounds dead to me.

Also, died for my sins?
I still did them!
Should have done something about my sins instead of dying. Would have helped a lot more.
And I'm still going to hell too!
Don't know what the dying was all about but...uhh...thanks?
I guess?

Benefits of age

Now that I'm almost 40 and married I can't wait for my Accidental Enslavement premiums to finally go down.

Colangeloco's Ballistic Package Express

In light of successful U.N. efforts to fight dry skin among the impoverished* I've given up on marketing the S-99 Homeless Hydrator.

*Moisturizer use up 15.2% in Q2 2007 to 68.9%

Improvements in GPS-guided munitions have finally moved my dream of ballistic package delivery from science fiction to science fact!
I'm proud to announce the beginning of intercontinental on-the-hour package delivery service to all targets within 4000 miles of the equator starting in June of 2009.
This new system will stand on the shoulders of those who've gone before, from recent breakthroughs in superconductor technology to the lessons learned by Saddam Hussein in his aborted attempt at constructing a long-range package "super gun" to improve relations with Israel.
Imagine a world where a package can be delivered by computer targeted railgun to any destination on earth in 20 minutes! Exiting and then re-entering earth's atmosphere at hypersonic velocities to land outside the home of the targeted customer with minimal collateral damage! Accurate to within 1 meter, these GPS-guided delivery munitions will revolutionize the extreme high-end of parcel delivery and dovetail perfectly with the go-go world of internet shopping!
I want to thank my partners: Paypal, eBay, Amazon, The Gartner Group, they've all underwritten my experiments and kindly provided sizable out-of-court settlements to those negatively impacted by beta versions of the test cannon located at the equator on Baker Island.

It's not stopping

Going on 20 minutes now. Oh, he's tough, he's really going to convince this poor girl.

"Blind rage? Alls I know is that in boxing someone hit me right on the nose and I stumbled back and like it's just this hate comes over me, I can't be held responsible for what I do."

"If you leave me alone I will be nice to you, if you attack me I'm going to drop you like a sack of potatoes."

Well, he may or may not have mad fighting skills, but he's definitely nutty as a fruitcake.

"One had a large stick, he's like 'you need to pay the toll for being here'. I'm strong but I can't stop a full force swing of a bat. It was over from then."

I think I'm going to have to go out and just punch this guy in the neck to see what he's really got.

Tough dude

He's pacing around talking about how he punched this guy this one time.
In great detail, for 15 minutes now.

"He's like pow-pow-pow, you know?...

One thing I learned about head-butts, it's forehead to the middle fo the face,
the middle of the forehead is the strongest part of the human body...

In my earlier years my fighting skills were very animalistic - biting, kicking, gouging, anything to get the guy off me...

Excessive force, yeah, I got a warning for it from my counselor. They put me in recreational boxing and I learned how to box...

I retired a heavyweight. 30 fights, never defeated."

I have never heard a more Napoleon Dynamite load of drivel in my life.
I wonder if he hunts wolverines?
Absolutely nothing he's saying is true. At ALL.
He's a stuttering geeky guy, like 5' 3", 150 pounds, with a gut.

Oh, my God! He's at it again.

"He was like dude, 'you're an ass'. So I did as I was trained and BAP! He was out for a good fifteen minutes."

New CRX?

Some rumors have started that a new CRX might be in the works, it's called the CR-Z.
1. It will never make it to market
2. If it does, it will look nothing like this
3. If it does, it will be super heavy and have a 400hp motor that gets 15MPG
4. Honda, if you make this the way I want it, I will send you a gonad

Cellular Telegraph - STOP - Send Help - STOP

Things to do today:
Encapsulate Full-Mouth Radiographs and Intraoral Photos in Rich/Foamy Text Document
Coordinate Motivational Speaker Stereopticon Edit for External Website and Flashcards
Hand-off Digital Moviola Masters to Foot Courier
Preserve All Originals - Petrified, Thawed, Fresh
Collate and Scanify Foundation Dinner Keynote Address Cellulose Photograms

You know what they say, there aren't enough 30-degree increments on the chronoptomoscope!
Ha!

Rage dump

I apologize for the brusque tone of the previous post.
In fact, corporations have always been very kind to me.
After surviving over 10 rounds of layoffs in my several jobs I now realize it was only done to help me, as a survivor, build self-sufficiency and character. I am still often paralyzed with character and need to take Zoloft.
My old employers always provided health care for only slightly greater expense than I could purchase it myself.
They always let me know that it was OK to come in early and leave late, that was part of being a member of "the family". It's amazing how a group of individuals can come together and, under the toughest of circumstances, form a group composed entirely of individuals. Order from chaos you might say.
And the parties they would throw! Wow, mandatory fun, what a bunch of silly goofs!
And hey kids, if management stays focused on profitability "like a laser" then we'll all benefit -
I can pay for psych meds and the hair-brained manager, working 10 hours a week, can buy a custom Hummer that their horses can drive to private school.

Great job!

Hey, idiot, get this down on paper!
I just want to take this opportunity to energetically criticize every detail and then withdraw someplace where you can't contact me. You don't work for me and I will be making unspecific demands of you without justification. Also, I will be too busy to engage any questions about my orders and there's no one associated with me that can offer clarification.
I'll be vacationing for the next month, starting now, so if you have any issues about tomorrow's production schedule it will have to wait until I get back - at which point you will have proceeded independently. I will be angry about this and contact your superior.
What were you thinking!

Corporations blow.
Long live the State!

MC Squared's self-titled debut album entitled "E"

OK Einstein, I'm calling you out!
I got a C in physics and even I can't understand your nutty shit.

E=mc²

What the hell is the square of a velocity anyway?
186,000 miles per second times itself = 186,000 miles per second per second?
So that's an acceleration?
Is the square of a velocity an acceleration?
That's madness!
Answer me!

OK, if we annihilate a mass of 1 gram it should produce enough energy to accelerate 1 gram to the speed of light in 1 second?
Did I stutter? Am I missing something!?*
But relativity indicates you'd need an infinite amount of energy to accelerate anything to the speed of light.
!?
I'm outraged!

Plus, you're the knucklehead who made up the whole "can't accelerate to c" thing anyway - and that pisses me off because I don't like people placing limits on me and then telling me it's an immutable property of the universe.
Fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway!
Watch!
*straining noise*
OK, I think I pooped a little but I'm still not going the speed of light.
Damn you and your rules anyway!

Also, if we solve for c then c=√(m/E) right?
What's that shit!
Huh?

*probably everything

To Mars in a week

It seems that tiny investments in space propulsion research have been paying off big lately.
A whole bunch of alternatives to traditional chemical rockets have emerged, this one sounds seriously promising and even the Air Force says it's legit.
http://www.dailytech.com/article.aspx?newsid=8889
100km an hour, 200,000+ miles an hour, will get you to Mars in a week but the kind of acceleration this drive generates over longer hauls can get you pretty much anywhere in the solar system in 2 months. That's crazy! I want to live on Ganymede.

Steer INTO the wave!

Many years ago my wife and I were cleaning our collection of H.P. Lovecraft Hummel ceramic figurines when we realized that we had no home escape plan in case of a rogue wave.
Thanks to One Beacon Home Insurance I was able to receive free information about what to do when a rogue wave strikes and I'm glad to say that it's saved our lives many times.
Oh...and our cat too. Isn't that right Marvin?
"Fuck you faggot!"
Oh Marvin! Hahahaha!

Free energy

Just like these guys I too have a system that creates more energy than it uses. All I do is plug my stuff into the magical energy holes in my walls and electricity shoots out all over the fucking place - I never do a thing.
No pedaling, no fraudulent claims about magnetic fields, no blood sacrifices...nothing.

There's also this invisible force holding me to the ground which has been VERY handy.
That apparently requires no energy input either. Now if only we could tap into this force and use it to generate motion. We could call it tobogganing!

Sickening

Here's a fun AV experiment to try at home.
Get a nice clean digital version of the movie Contact.
Yeah, I know it's not a masterpiece of action/adventure but it's also not geared for people with a 3rd grade reading level (see Independence Day).
Watch up until the part where President Clinton comes on and starts to talk about the alien signal. If the sight of our last real president doesn't give you a sinking feeling in your stomach then there's something wrong with you. I am convinced in a purely visceral way that his departure from office represents the point at which the United States started dying for me. Strictly based on the sound of his voice I became sick to my stomach thinking abut what we've become and the path of mediocrity and failure we continue down. I had to stop watching the damn movie.
It's not just that we're at war for no reason and can't stop, it's that there is no hope that I can see for the future here. We have no great dreams, goals, or aspirations beyond maintaining what we have and cowering in fear even 6 years after a tiny group of insignificant zealot automatons attacked us. We haven't embraced peace, we haven't distanced ourselves from the middle-east and religious extremism. We haven't started any bold new programs to solve our basic human problems - overpopulation, ignorance, disease, superstition, poverty, not even energy. In fact, any national or worldwide goals worthy of attention are farther off the radar than ever. I can honestly say that 6 years on I feel much more sickened now than when I saw the disaster on television. The disasters that have followed - fear, myopia, aggression, stupidity are far more sickening than anything religious extremists could do.

What you get

I wonder how far the popular vote can differ from the electoral outcome?
Certainly it seems reasonable to think that someone could get 45% of the popular vote and still win a presidential election.
Could they win with 35%?
Could they win with 8%?
It doesn't really matter I guess.
That all seems like caca to me.

The Greeks! The Greeks! The Greeks are on fire!

Jesus, good thing they're surrounded by water.

No joke

Super Don Quixote

Wile E. Coyote

Chuck Jones said, "Wile E. is my reality, Bugs Bunny is my goal."

Wile E. Coyote species designations can be found here...http://www.futilitycloset.com/2007/08/23/wile-e-coyote/

Not much of a choice

So I'm in the men's room the other day and I hear this guy and his toddler son come in. I'm dreading this because there's always that exchange of detailed information on exactly what's going to happen and step-by-step directions as it's all going down.
To my surprise though, the first thing the dad says to his kid is
"Do you have to go cocky-doody or poopy-caca?"

I ask you, first, what kind of choice is that?
Is this guy paying attention or is this like his 7th son and he's just going through a pre-recorded mental routine?
Is this a test for the kid?
Maybe the kid is actually a robot.
If the kid was a robot I imagine his head would be spinning and shooting sparks and smoke.

Anyway, true story.

Zombies!

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah in
"Destroy All Monsters the Musical!"

Ponderous dance numbers and lavish set pieces combine with classic mid-century Japanese Kaiju costumes, special effects and voice dubbing in this Tony Award-winning Broadway smash.

Clive Barnes of the New York Post raves "A SENSATION! Just sit back and let the joy sweep over you."

Next week it's Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Zombies!"
Two star-crossed zombies fall in love, featuring the songs "Go For The Head!" and "Soft Flesh, Rotting Teeth".

The Invasion

Critics can bite my ass, I thought it was great.
Stardust is great (74%) but The Invasion sucks (20%)?
What?

Star Destroyer

What ever happened to these things?
We spent all that money building them and what did we ever really do with them?
Huge, mile long spaceships with a crew of over 37,000 (4,520 officers; 32,565 enlisted)
and we picked up like one small cruiser and chased this little smuggling ship once.
What a fucking waste of money.

Spaceships over New England

The space shuttle Endeavour and International Space Station are flying over this Sunday night at about 9:00.
I put up a whole page here on how to find them. Click away.

Democrazy!

I've built a new tool for the arsenal of democracy.
Behold, the Hammer Gun!
A gun that shoot hammers, and then the hammers shoot nails!
Live free or die motherfuckers!

Authenticity

I was not aware that the EULA (End-User License Agreement) for Microsoft Windows Vista Home upgrade mandated that I fall down 30 consecutive flights of stairs in order to retrieve my unique user authenticity code. On further inspection I was also surprised to read that Vista was, in fact, the cause of my complete night-blindness and painful ingrown fingertips. I am so happy with the improved end-user experience however that I have chosen to color-in 100% of my body's surface with a black Sharpie permanent marker and have started calling myself Microsoft's Truly Amazing All-Black Man.
Thank you.

Inability to Follow Simple Instructions

Big babies

So Russia accidentally dumps a missile in a field in Georgia.
Georgia says this is "an act of war"?!
I think if Russia wanted to start a war you'd know it - REALLY know it, wowch!
Ninnies.

3 pills, once daily

Well, one thing is for certain,
more prescription drugs are not going to make finishing the drywall any easier.
Okay...maybe a LOT of drugs would.
Or the right kind.
Anyway, it's not getting finished right now.
I know that.

Correction

Minor correction on the last post.
That clearly is NOT my backyard.
Isn't it super-cute though?

Hedgehog in my back yard

Funnyman Patton Oswalt

Is funny.
I hope he doesn't stop doing stand-up now that he's a famous computer animated blue rat.
Nah.
http://pattonoswalt.com/
I bought two of his albums on iTunes and laughed until I was soaked in my own tears and drool.

Is that Dutch?

Lunchtime in August.
I drowsily gnaw on my hamburger and look in my rear-view mirror to see a truck bearing this label...

Jam Sloot?
What the hell is Jam Sloot?
True story.

That's a good time!

Chebyshev's polynomial!
The Scrabble points were flying once again this weekend as east coast leaders Steve and Ken, out of touch with reality and sneezey, racked up a combined score well in excess of 600 points.

Elmwood - Body, used, for parts

Hives and a burning stomach?
I think I'm broken.
I'm putting my body up on Freecycle.

Burj Dubai

Great Shankman's Tilt-a-Whirl! That's a monster building!

The finished height is being kept a secret but rumor has it that it will approach 3000 feet!

It's half-built and it's taller than the Sears tower.


In the same 6-year time Dubai has done this we've managed to completely almost start re-construction at the WTC site.

Houston, me have problem

I think it's reading our lips.
I'm not sure this thing even IS a computer.

2007

The computer told me to "Take a pill".
I think it means that figuratively.

Is something happening?

Seriously, is anyone doing anything?
It's really quiet in here, even with the headphones off.
All I can hear is the sound of the air handler.
The computer is becoming paranoid and moody.
I think it wants to kill us.

This isn't a popularity contest

Today I'm announcing my intention to remove humans from areas where I feel they endanger wildlife and the biodiversity we require to maintain a habitable and enjoyable planet.
-Tropical South America
-Madagascar
-Central Africa
These humans will be forcibly relocated, at their own expense, to the unpopulated and significantly less biodiverse central regions of North America and Asia.

Furthermore I am launching a preemptive campaign of global genetically-engineered viral sterilization of males and females, rendering more than 99% of the world's populous incapable of reproduction.
A complex, broad range of genetic markers have been favorably selected in such a fashion as to insure the genetic diversity of those remaining breeders.

I'd like to thank my friends the cheetahs, manta rays, and corals for their contribution to this plan.

Destroy the evil forces of the Gefiltecons

That's one long ass movie Michael Bay.
144 minutes of fighting giant toy robots is much worse even than it sounds - felt like 200 minutes.
I don't think I'd ever see it again but there must be some happy Transformers geeks out there someplace. Fun enough, at least as good as Armageddon and no Aerosmith!

Forecast for the week of July 1st, 2007

80% chance
-Temperatures soar over 80 degrees, Honda Civic solar shield is deployed
-Marvin the cat hisses at me for moving a large flat object
-Transformers movie really sucks

50% chance
-Rain on July 4th
-I get up on time and Honda Civic SRS failure indicator is repaired at local Honda dealer

10% chance
-Honda Civic SRS failure indicator goes off on it's own for no reason
-I'm largely aware of what's happening around me

0.00000000001% chance
-Four local galaxies, including our own, are converted into a single brief SMS message:
"Im am the gretest on th e college! :-<"

People having fewer children

I saw this sign that said
"Every 20 minutes a child is born with autism"
and I thought "If people had half as many children that would only happen every ten minutes."

So much for the public school system right?

Solstice

June 21st, 2:06 pm EDT
Settle down.
Please...please.
OK people, it's the solstice.
We need 50 hearts, let's get MOVING!

God is in the details

Alert reader Scott HK writes in and finds that a small change to the URL yields a substantial change to the content...witness http://www.daringtechnique.blogpsot.com/

Blogpsot that is.

Bible studies is (are?) a big part of my campaign to understand religion and subsume control of the universe. Or maybe I already have? Prove that I haven't.

Intelligent Design: Been There, Done That.

How's that whole free will thing working out for you folks?
Kind of a bitch huh?

Way to almost die idiot!

I almost died.
If you to would like to almost die then hop on I-84 in the rain and wait for someone's car to go totally ass over tea kettle spinning out of control at 60 miles per hour in heavy traffic.
Do not apply the brakes, that will cause trucks to crash into you.
Do not swerve, you will lose control and crash into everything.
Just calmly navigate through the maelstrom.
My car and I are unscathed.
It's fun.

Less than ept

Following my somewhat inept attempt to tile the walls of my bathroom I have decided to remove the tiles and drywall from around the bath and redo it.
In light of the 100+ hours of bathroom remodeling I've endured I profer the following advice:
Don't let me remodel your bathroom.

Also, note to self - idea for movie script:
Crazy guy dresses up as own dead mother and stabs woman in shower.

Hop on the Pope Train! Next stop, PARTY!

I apologize to Pope Ratzy for getting a little too excited about the afterlife.
"Oh boy! I can't wait to be dead! Free nachos!"
Rome sucks and is way too hot so I figured the Pope would be cool and give me a ride to the piazza.
His posse was all up in my business though.

Reactor on the fritz

These damn video games are like the ghost limb I never had!

This one I have at home is so close to working perfectly and it's worth all kinds of money. What a beaut!
I thought no one could help but then I find someone in New Hampshire who says they will save me. Pray for me and my broken down Reactor.

Bug

WORST FILM EVER
I'm not kidding at all.
This is the absolute worst movie I have ever seen.
I've seen crap from India, Spain, Italy...so many terrible American films it boggles the mind, and I've paid to see them. I like most movies, I really do.

So sayeth the Bird

God appeared to me today in the form of a really scruffy looking red robin with a bright green worm in it's beak.
It looked right at me in the Burger King parking lot and told me to vacuum my car and not worry about the yard.
"The yard is just the space between your house and car" it said, "you spend seconds a day out there and nobody clearly cares in your neighborhood anyway."
I told it that I don't believe in god and it indicated that wasn't central to the argument.
"Look at the floormats! Take it from me, I live in a nest full of my own shit but that Civic looks like a dried up turd on a bad road."

New Colangelo discovered by astronomers

My lovely wife Sue has decided to accept my four-syllable name and is now officially Sue Colangelo - at least according to the DMV and the Social Security Administration.
I am the last in the Colangelo line and will not be having any children so she is the absolutely last new Colangelo that there will ever be.
Thanks to my prolific sisters however there are numerous Colangelo-esque children operating under different last names.
Jennifer, Sarah, Tristan, Dan, Kenneth and Eric all carry on the spirit (if not the actual name) and will presumably provide ample family-style chaos and anti-establishment subversion well into the late 21st century. Based on advice from climatologists I'm suggesting they start practicing Waterworld-style survival skills in the swimming pool right away.

Delirious

Food and provisions running low, landed in New Jersey.
Took ground transport north to Hartford.

Note to self.
Good names for band:
Balsamic Orchestra
Balsamic Wedgie

2 days at sea, no sight of land

Janet from Pittsburgh, you cackling harpy!
BINGO indeed!
Numerical ping-pong balls have you no love?
Perforated cards I stab at thee!

On the other hand, major props to the central Atlantic. A little cloudy but a constant 80 degrees and just enough swell to turn the swimming pools into wave tanks. Nice.

From the Atlantic Ocean

As I sit here on the beautiful beach in St. Maarten it occurs to me that zombies really are much better than vampires.
Vampires are like "theater people".
Spending all their time getting snappy leather and latex outfits, expensive sunglasses and novelty contact lenses. Hanging out in sexy rave clubs.
All about presentation.
Zombies, not so much with the presentation, are all work.
They don't care if they're cool or sexy, they're just here to do a job...eat people.
We're like cafeteria food. We aren't that tasty, they don't really even enjoy us but we fill them up.

And, oh yeah, the "Head Vampire" thing.
Kill him/her and it's all over?!

This is clearly no way to run a railroad.

Vacations DO bring clarity to everyday life.

Not that I'm a betting man but...

Israeli airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facilities?
Anyone giving odds?

Live and learn

I'm informed by those closest to me that my left shoulder smells like mustard.
The plain yellow kind.
I would like to apologize to all of you for this lapse in judgement.

I'd like two 5-piece chicken nuggets

I pull up to the order screen and the girl says
"I'll be right there with you."

Not "I'll be right there."
Not "I'll be right with you."

Seems like an odd thing to say.
"I'll be right there with you."

Although I appreciate that she will always be there for me at the drive-thru (open 'til 2AM) I am a married man and I don't think I should accept a lifelong commitment from a woman I've only spoken to through a speaker grill.

Inside the capsule

Mission Elapsed Time +02 Minutes

Woohoo!

We are go and the clock is running!

T-Minus

We are go for main engine pressurize.
Marriage indicators show no major problems at this time.
This is Marriage Launch Control.

Gap between rich and poor

Steve Douglass points me to a New York Times article...
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/29/business/29tax.html?ex=1332907200&en=7a75e549037fb358&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

"The top 1 percent received 21.8 percent of all reported income in 2005, up significantly from 19.8 percent the year before and more than double their share of income in 1980. The peak was in 1928, when the top 1 percent reported 23.9 percent of all income."

Hey, 1928 was a good time for everyone. Life was simple and you could work on the railroad for pennies a day before being totally killed, chopped in half and eviscerated over a 2 mile section of track so a billionaire could buy half of New York.

I must be in the top one percent since my personal income increased 650% in FY 2006 as I moved from grinding unemployment to making literally hundreds of dollars a week! Also, I grabbed Ben Bernanke's toupee and sold it on eBay.

Tonight on Comcast

A show called "Modern Marvels" about the history of bricks.
It's an hour long.

Juh-zee-zus!

Everybody give it up for Jesus!
Way to not be dead!
We're all really impressed down here.
Although technically it isn't a resurrection if you don't return to the world of the living. In fact, according to basic Christianity you're basically dead, in so much as you're not on Earth. So stop going on about "Oh I'm not dead, look at me!" You're dead like everyone else - so shutup!

Spring Haiku

Ouchy explosions
Like spring itself, and flowers
Bring the hope of change

A Haiku for Dick Cheney

Software conference

They were looking for a name which reflected the breadth and elegance of the software the programmers were foisting off on us.

I suggested "Experimental Retarded Zombie".

Reception dinner

Selections from Faith Middleton and Jacques Pepin

Your choice of:

Coelocanth with Roasted Fairfield County Panther in a Strawberry Mobil 1 Reduction

Set Screws with Nozzle Gimbal Profiles in a Goldfinger Joint Compound Demiglaze

Families are reading this?!

Yes, I will prove my marriage by going on a boat.
This boat will visit places in May that are more advanced than anything currently available in the waters of New England.

Orbital maneuvering will commence thusly...
New York -> Bermuda -> St. Thomas -> St. Maarten -> San Juan -> New York

At some point before then I will receive federal passport papers and also get married. Sometime in September there will be family celebrations. The families are likely reading this blog now so I'll keep this next part quiet.

(how am I going to explain that my mom is made out of anti-matter?)

Friends also will be selected at random over the coming months to join in a celebration.

You gotta be 10% smarter than the equipment you're running

Redneck Kentucky and the Next Generation Chickens

"It's simple: the Chickens are hatching an evil plot as we speak, they walk around the yard, dig in the dirt, they seem to do nothing but their eyes are just too slicky. You sometimes get hit on the head with a heavy thing but they always pretend it's not them."

Electron, Proton, Crouton

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld, what's up with Olive Garden?
They have salad refills, nice...but they always put in two olives per salad.
Are olives endangered or something?
They should call themselves Crouton Garden. They put enough of those fuckers on there to block out the sun.
I've been bringing them home and spreading them on my icy driveway.

Intelligent bathroom design

There's a pattern here.
These things are laid out every sixteen inches.

It's maddening!
Exactly sixteen inches! Every time!
It's like someone or something is controlling the position!

I've tried prayer but I am unanswered.
God has forsaken me and my drywall.

Eureka!

Our technicians, in cooperation with research facilities in China, France, Japan and Russia have created an object which, when left completely on it own...
I can't stress that enough, LEFT COMPLETELY ON IT OWN...
will always fall over.

Thank you.

No questions please.

Supreme Courtship

In a rare unanimous decision, the "highest court in the land" has delivered a landmark ruling and determined that someone has to marry me.
In an effort to comply with the federal court's decision, Susan Mayo (Sue) has accepted my proposal and will become married to me at an undetermined future date, possibly May.
Despite a haircut that can best be described as "homestyle" and a nearly 40 year history as a goofy ass, Sue has decided that I "am the man for her" and I will hastily seize this opportunity before her head injury has time to heal.
Thanks to her whole family for kindly welcoming me in without any visible snickering.

ATHF movie

"Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship."

http://www.adultswim.com/shows/athf/movie/index.html

Berzerkshires

After spending this weekend in the mountains of western Massachusetts I have indeed determined that:
A. John Harvard's Brewhouse sucks
B. Has always sucked
C. Will likely always suck

More news later.

Non-binding New Years resolution

My resolution for 2007 is...
1680x1050
If I can maintain that (or better!) on all my displays I will consider myself a success.

Remember 9/11...actually

There were these knuckleheads, these al-Qaeda guys, who went nuts and flew these airplanes into the World Trade Center, like not too long ago right?
Yeah...they're in Pakistan.
That's what Negroponte says anyway.
Also, the main guy is there.
Can someone in the federal government help these idiots "down the stairs" as it were?
Thanks, Ken

Also, just get the troops out of Iraq - those guys get actually, really, and totally killed over there. They're made for attack and defense, not fucking around.
We have no clue what we're doing over there, that should be evident.
Thanks again, I know you won't let me down.

Is that a tumbleweed I hear blowing by?

F*cking miter cuts

In carpentry, as in square dancing, you must distinguish between your partner and your enemies.

"Patient is belligerent and noisy"

From my MRI report:
"..a loose mixture of acorns, bottlecaps, and assorted detritus."

Apparently my brain is OK!

Now, why do I get visual migraines?
Who knows!
Let's medicate!

Also, just for fun, ask the MRI techs
"Will I feel anything when the magnets switch on?"
After getting their reassurance, wait until they throw the switch and then yell out
"MECHANICALLY-ADVANTAGED OHIO!
NO WONDER THERE'S NO PEANUT BUTTER LEFT UP THERE!
OUCHIE!"

Macabre Salad

Lettuce
Tomatoes
Black olives
Blue cheese ?
BOILED EGGS ?!

Brutal.

I'm so glad I've found a life partner who will take this bullet for me.
"Cobb salad? Yeah, that's hers. Over there. Thank you."

Visual migraines make dullards seem exotic

It's fun to talk to someone and then have this crystalline, sparkling presence superimposed on them. As they blather on it gradually grows to encompass their face and then their entire head disappears into a black hole of missing visual information.
"I can hear your lips a-flappin' but I can't even see your head and I'm looking right at you." That's some silly shit!

MRI on Monday.

I suspect my brain may have been replaced with a jingle bell in some sort of holiday mixup.

Saddam

Another young comedian struck down at the top of his career.

Not struck exactly.