Fix the what?!

So the Large Hardon Collider is down for at least two months because of a helium leak. I have always opposed the use of federal funding for colliding hardons, boners or what-have-you. I just can't see the potential benefit from this research and I think adding helium to the process isn't likely to improve the outcome any. Although, the squeaky voices might take the edge off for those directly involved.

Federal bailout

Citing recent weight gain and poor spending decisions I invoke the excuse that I am "too big to fail" and I am demanding that the Fed take over my debt.