Back to my point

Ronald Eller.
Apparently he wants to euthanize the elderly and wants us all to pay more taxes to fund it. Granted, the elderly can be hard to catch - their wisdom makes up for their lack of speed - never the less, I will not support his use of digestive enzyme traps as the most humane method of disposing of America's "greatest generation". The entire concept seems morally gray at best, no matter how the bones are used.
No, Mr. Eller, I will not vote yes on your Proposition 12.

Wilkins Ice Sheet

Looks like Wilkins is cashing out.
Hey, fuck you, I always liked the Larsen ice shelf better anyway.
Wilkins...you're a pussy and just part of the problem, clearly.

Disappointing BM

Foot odor?
Bad breath?
Ronald Eller is to blame.

Ronald Eller makes the world a bad place to live.

Ronald Eller

His work reminds us all that things could be so much worse.
http://www.reller.com

He comes to me in my dreams and speaks to me in an ancient language I cannot understand.

I think he's telling me I'm going to die.

I think he works for satan, or possibly The Food Network.

Designed by M.C. Escher

My kitchen is a trapezoid.
Just a little bit.
Or maybe it's the counters and the floor.
Either way I'm not fixing it.

Concession

I want to thank George Bush, John McCain and president-elect Barack Obama for their gracious phone calls this evening.
Yes, I am better at Scrabble than all of you but that doesn't make you lesser Americans. I'm sure you will all grow up to be fine men in spite of this intellectual shortcoming and I offer you wishes for a happy set of upcoming traditional, religious and chronological holidays.
Particularly you George and John; you need to settle in with the family, memorize your "twos", and work on rack management or you really aren't going to be taken seriously again.
Thank you, and may God continue to bless those who believe in that sort of thing.
Any of you guys have any weight-loss advice?

The prophecy

Indeed I have been attacked by ghosts.
It's mostly just an irritant though.
The ghosts are changing key settings on my computer, making it impossible for me to play Half-Life 2.
The ghosts aren't particularly horrifying. They manifest as small, clumsy transparent people - frequently spilling things. Their "scares" are largely ineffectual and cliched. Owing to poor eye/hand coordination and outlandish costumes these attempts to frighten me seem more like slapstick than anything else. They apologize by explaining that when you're dead it's hard to be on your best game and that without access to coffee many of them feel unmotivated and drowsy until well into the afternoon.

This is a ghost?

I go to ALL the horror movies

Horror movies make me feel good because I know I'll never be haunted, hunted, mutated, possessed or subject to alien or paranormal influences.

On the downside the popcorn shells get under my gums and I'm not sure that's doing me any good.

It does promote flossing though.
It's all good.

The TV people say that I may be attacked by ghosts apparently.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/10/31/boo/index.html

Struggle for relevance

As I approach what I recently referred to as my "Firty-Forst birthday"* I struggle for relevance.

Should I evaluate my significance on a human time scale, 10 to 100 years?
If so, then I am one of the supreme consumers on the planet - located in the wealthiest area of the wealthiest state in the wealthiest country.
In order to offset my gluttony on all fronts I have chosen a path of sterility and a humble home well within my means and limited in impact on the world around it.
I pay my taxes and vote for those who seem least irrational.
My employer teaches the young to some extent and, in as much as I contribute to the group's well-being, I would like to think that I'm helping fend off ignorance and superstition without adding to the human clutter teaming around me. In this short-term human time scale I am, I feel, a neutral presence. A genetic dead-end to be sure and passively promoting conservation and rationality but never to an extent that would limit my enjoyment.

On any other time scale I am basically a microbe whose entire remains and cumulative impact will either be swept over by the sea or scoured from the land by glacial advances. Indeed it will be hard to prove that I ever existed in one thousand years. In a million years it will challenging to prove that my species ever existed.

So, in an effort to evade irrelevance I have chosen to evaluate myself on a daily and weekly basis. This week, in the face of potential economic breakdown, I have chosen to not contribute to the panic by preserving my paltry investments in an abstract financial system instead of withdrawing them and instinctively stockpiling food/water/medicine and guns. This coming Tuesday I will chose to vote for a nominally different candidate for president of my nation. Although a meaningless act due to the machinations of the election process I hope to contribute to a landslide victory for the man in my state, at least. His victory will likely end in disaster given all current trends but in this very short-term evaluation I will have made the right decision. This week I also contributed mightily to the distribution of candies to local youths. I'm not sure that contributing to obesity and diabetes among the young can be seen as a good thing but they sure do enjoy it and, in the short-term, that is all that matters. I'll support any initiative for greater health eduction and universal healthcare coverage for these young people if given the chance. So again, hopefully, I have had no long-term negative effect.

To quote a favorite television program "If you've done things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

*41st

"Ain't rocket surgery" - bad advice and hate

Hey, it's not tough to figure out that things are tough all over.
Main Street Americans are hurting.
The fat cats on Wall Street get bailed out and we have to get by.
Neither of these guys gets it, do they?
That's why I'm sure that neither candidate for president will get anything useful done and I'm sure that I've never cared less about things than right now when America needs me most.
Sure, I have a job and lots of people don't.
Does that mean I should try to help them out in some way?
I hope not, because I'm not going to.
Ha!
Wait, no, I have to give a shit because I pay taxes and they're going to get spent on some fishfucking nonsense war or other against Zimbabwe or Wisconsin if I don't choose the right guy. Also, it's good to help people, as long as you can talk them into a vasectomy. They're more likely to do it if they think your a nice guy.

Stop having babies is my point and don't go to church, figure things out for yourself.

Ask the following questions...
How does the universe work? What sort of morals should you have?
Choose from the following answers...
A)Figure it out for yourself.
B)Who cares
C)It doesn't matter
D)All of the above
The correct answer is D.

If you don't make much money try to steal from the rich or stop paying taxes.
Also, if things get really tough, don't eat your pets.
Eat your neighbors! They're much bigger and you won't feel any guilt.
And for christ sake don't buy the latest technology. That's what I do and look how fucked up I am!

Fix the what?!

So the Large Hardon Collider is down for at least two months because of a helium leak. I have always opposed the use of federal funding for colliding hardons, boners or what-have-you. I just can't see the potential benefit from this research and I think adding helium to the process isn't likely to improve the outcome any. Although, the squeaky voices might take the edge off for those directly involved.

Federal bailout

Citing recent weight gain and poor spending decisions I invoke the excuse that I am "too big to fail" and I am demanding that the Fed take over my debt.

Bad juju

I go to Home Depot and get my mirror on.
The guy cuts it all up and then throws huge leftover pieces of the stuff into a bin.
Bad luck.
I get checked out at the only open register; number thirteen.
Right then the store PA starts playing Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox.

For me the end of times has clearly begun.

Constant annoyance

Cell phones are a constant annoyance. Having said that, I want a better one that annoys me with reminders and email and can browse the web.
Windows Mobile phones aren't the solution just yet.

I got a Samsung i760 and it was lots of fun to play around with but ultimately the "User Experience" is still kinda crappy.

-The GUI out of the box is sluggish and obtuse
-The phone functions can be a little slow to respond (voice dialing, keypad)
-Windows Mobile is not a "touch" based OS even though it has a touch screen, you need a stylus just like my Palm PDA
-You can customize in a million cool ways but that makes is slower, sometimes unusable
-There is a ton of software for it, some freeware is great
-Having a keyboard is a must, 5 rows preferably so you can get all the numbers and symbols quickly
-A VGA or greater resolution screen is required for web browsing, 320x240 doesn't cut it
-Windows Media Player makes a crappy MP3 playing experience, can be replaced

So I returned it and went back to my ancient Motorola phone, which works perfectly, and my Palm TX PDA which has everything except a decent browser/VGA screen.


I await the HTC Touch Pro around the holidays. It has a VGA screen, better interface, 5-row keyboard, GPS and a million other things.

Fumes

The latex paint fumes have combined with the artificial sweeteners and I'm feeling "altogether ooky".
By which I mean I have the song "Jessie's Girl" stuck in my head.

Also, birds are taking dust baths in my front yard. Not gonna start watering though. Who wants dirty birds?

Won't you tell me how to get, how to get to...

During the process of painting my bathroom I think I've discovered a solid link between inhalation of VOCs (volatile organic compounds) and sightings of Big Bird.

Brainpan

The Romans thought the brain was a radiator.
Hey, all the blood flowing through it and that crazy croinkled surface?
Must be for dumping heat.

I've taken out my brain altogether but I'm not feeling any warmer.

I wonder if that's an old wives tale?

Listen Crazy Ivan

I don't care how bad your English is, you just can't say
"I'm going to do a surprise on you!"
and have people not laugh/run away.

True story.

Superpower

I've discussed this before but now I'm certain that I *do* have a superpower.

Prepare yourselves...

I KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO FART.

I don't mean short-term "Hey I'm gonna fart."
No, I mean I can generate a hyper-accurate timeline for the next several hundred days.
I'm going to use this knowledge to save innocent children and probably kittens.

Love machine

In a move intended to bring about Democratic party reconciliation, and to boost my own recently sour disposition, I have constructed a bio-mechanical Love Machine.



Unfortuately, due to a misunderstanding about the meaning of the number eight, Lockheed-Martin and NASA have landed my Love Machine in the north polar region of Mars.

Silver lining though, maybe it will bring some sexy hot love and melt all that ice.

Filled with hate?

I'm over 40 so I'm filled with hate?
Is that how that works?
Maybe that's right.
I missed the whole filled with hate phase as a teen.
I'll try to be good.
Over at my local college we're having an outdoor graduation this Sunday on campus for the first time. That's nice right? The state built a brandy new college campus for folks who can't afford to pay for a big name education. The governor who signed off on it was even a Republican, and so was her corrupt boss until he was sent to prison. He got what he deserved and the people got what they deserve. That's nice!

$8 gas is just the ticket

I have been secretly thrilling to the fumes of $4 gasoline.
Wow, I hope this keeps up, things might change.
Look at the passenger-less, multi-ton SUVs - good thing that soccer mom carries around 3 tons of metal and plastic to keep her company on her stop-and-go trips around town.
Look at the giant, unused, virgin-bedded pickup trucks - never done a days work in their lives. The tires are glossy and the body hasn't a scratch on it. You need a 'hemi' to idle in the KFC drive-thru for half an hour, keeps the A/C and mad bass beats kickin' nicely.

I wrote a little song. Like to hear it? Here's how it goes.
"Hey troops, here, let us consumers piss in your face. Take our piss you bitches."

I do rejoice at the prospect of $8 gas.
So does this guy.

Please explain, site specific examples

Silicon
Silica
Silicate
Silicone

I am not understand.

Back to Mars

I'd like to point out that my name is on Mars.
I'm not bragging, it's just that when your name is recorded on a

"unique DVD made of silica glass, and designed to last hundreds if not thousands of years into the future, when its true mission will commence. It carries nothing less than a message from our world to one centuries away, when humans will roam the Red Planet."

you have a lot of people asking you if you're "that awesome guy from the Mars thing".

Yes, I am.

Here, see for yourself, I'm listed under Kenneth Colangelo, certificate 1196899.

As a postscript try these names in the search:
"Jeff Goldblum" returned zero results
"Robert Plant" returned zero results
"Stephen Hawking" returned zero results

Fuck those guys.

Shitty Memorial Day

The deaths of those in Iraq have not served to make us more safe nor more free.
They were misled or willfully ignorant and led to their ineffectual deaths.
This weekend don't drive drunk...and never vote stupid.
Actually, if you're really stupid, make sure you drive drunk.
Just make sure it's in a remote area.
Have one for the road fuckheads!

Flattering diplomacy or clumsy manipulation?

You make the call.

I put a sign on our filthy oven that read
"This oven needs the love of a beautiful woman."

I thought I might end up on the working end of a rolling pin or frying pan upon returning home but much to my surprise I see that this is in fact a charming way to suggest your lovely wife help clean the oven. What a woman!

I think I might buy a helmet anyway.

Words to use more often

Hark
Dimwit
Yon
Half-wit

As in:
"Hark yon dimwit! Hark! Or are you really only a half-wit?"

Clearly not working out

This human race thing is clearly not working out.
You don't display any initiative.
You're so filled with terror and self-loathing you can't put one foot in front of the other.
Make a plan, set some goals.
Let's face it, you're getting bloated too. You're all over the damn place. You're too big for your own britches.
And look at this place, what a mess.
Jesus would it kill you to pick up once in a while!
Get rid of some of this shit, it's fucking everywhere.
Do something constructive for once you asshole!

Did I say this was about the human race?
I'm sure I did.

Sproing!

Spring is here by golly, what a simply gorgeous day!
Once again the Crunch Berry trees are in bloom and a mans fancy turns to thoughts of...
Whoa! This can't be the right image for Spring.

Personal marriage record

Booyah!
One year!
My wife has also been married for a year also! It's a tie!

XM

Extra medium i.e.;
Extra small
Small
Extra medium
Medium
Extra medium
Large
Extra large

I have a headache

Hey, my new shipment of DVD has arrived! Cool.
What?
Fuck?
I...don't...FUCKING WHAT!?

Arborversary Anti-felinoma Birthday

In order to commemorate these events:
A) upcoming one year wedding anniversary
B) upcoming wife's birthday
C) no brain tumor in Marvin the cat
D) my nephew considering a run in the Marines (?!), which actually sucks moose dick

I have planted a tree, kindly donated by friend and colleague Mike Z.
(Formally "His Viceroy to the Exchequer, State of Connecticut")

I want to wish the tree good luck under my stewardship and remind it that life insurance is more important than ever in these wobbly economic times.

This effort at interspecies understanding continues only a few blocks from my house:

Bush administration extends March Madness into 'at least July'

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- March Madness is "in the last throes," Vice President Dick Cheney says, and he predicts that it will end before the Bush administration leaves office.

We always hurt the ones we hit

Tried the iPhone for two days. Feh. No voicedialing, no Flash.
I'll stick wih my Palm TX. I prefer the sylus to the touchscreen keyboard. So sad Palm won't make a TX phone and none of their current phones hav voicedial either, and they all have such minimal browsers. Maybe I'll try an ATT Tilt.

Arthur C. Clarke

Another hero of the 20th century has passed.
Terrible.

"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
1- It's completely impossible.
2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing.
3- I said it was a good idea all along."

"Sir Arthur C. Clarke, a giant in the science fiction genre and early proponent of the geosynchronous satellite orbit, had died.

Recently, Sir Arthur videotaped his reflections on his 90th birthday, in which he talked about the future of space travel and more."

Oh my god!

Has anyone checked in on Senegal?
I totally forgot!
Shit, I hope they're OK.
Seriously, first thing in the morning.

Let's go buy hookers and ice cream with Spitzer!

Spitzer?
No, not the Spitzer space telescope, the governor guy.
He's funny.

I've always known that the telescope had the moral authority issue nailed.

Fewer evil spirits means less poison for McDonalds

Excerpt from NPR piece about McDonalds using the "not real" technique of feng shui to block evil spirits and ease the mind of it's suicidal customers...

"The doors don't align, so we confuse the evil spirits and they stay out."
Jenny Liu suggests that feng shui somehow reduces the negative aspects of greasy processed food.
"The mental is very important," her father agrees. "That part is stronger than the 'poison food.'"

Evil has always been confused by slightly misaligned doors.
Your mental attitude while eating poison will offset its effects.
My point? Fewer people would be a good idea.

NASA initiative

I want to congratulate the Bush administration on it's bold plan to fuck America to the moon.

Urgent!

Demons are untying my shoes!
In the last 3 days I have noticed a dramatic, some would say catastrophic, increase in the frequency
with which I have to tie my shoes.
This is NOT a joke.
I'm tying them literally 6+ times a day.
Yes, I'm using double-knots.
Yes, I'm pulling hard.
What the HELL!
What government or world organization should I contact?
Does the U.N. handle this sort of thing?

Go Pats!

I've got footballs fever!
I could paint myself or something, have a big party or something, but instead I'm supporting the Patriots by purchasing a novelty shower curtain.
It's called "Crazy Squares"!

Political junk mail Madlib

Dear Ken,
I don't need to tell you that it's getting harder and harder to [cling to a dingy] these days. It seems like the cost of everything from [optical tweezers] to a [trout growler] is going up and that the world keeps getting more complicated.
The worst part about it is that our [Weebles] in [Skunktown] don’t seem to get it.
That’s why I’m emailing you today.
We all know there’s an important [lunar landing] this year. We have a real chance of [filling our pants] and [cloning] [Aretha Franklins] who will ensure we all have access to affordable [bingo balls], a [hydroelectric dam] that [powers] a [suicidal midget drone], and a secure [Mongolia].

In honor of MLK I will sleep through his entire holiday

Wow, talk about coincidences. I joke about my pharmacist and I end up having a drug interaction.

"If you become agitated and then sleep for more than 32 hours you should tell your doctor, this may be a symptom of a side effect he doesn't really understand."

Nuf said.

Wacky pharmacists

"Hey dipshit!
Is that...um...new...Remeron...
uhhh...counterindicated...
with a Benzo'...
...like Clonazepam?

Did you fart again?

DAMN!...Jesus...oh...why can't YOU get some suicidality!"

My brain is in good hands.

Cloverfield

I've seen it twice now and I'm truly happy.
Someone will see it soon and say something that will make me hate it.
"What? You didn't notice that the monster was wearing a Wisconsin Cheese Hat?"
My defense will be this...the world needs GIANT MONSTERS.
I love giant monsters.
I want to be a giant monster.
Man needs giant monsters to keep him in his place.
I pray for giant monsters.
Monsters with no reason for even existing.
Monsters who just want to destroy us and ALL our stuff.
Monsters who like to eat us, lots of us.
"Did it evolve? Is it an alien? Is it from another dimension or time?"
These questions will not matter when 30-story indestructible demons are maniacally running through and over our greatest creations and out into the suburbs and countryside.
I like 'persons' but I hate 'people'.
So, I say, good luck Cloverfield monster thing!

Throwing hat

I'd also like to announce that I have launched an exploratory committee to assess the possibility of a presidential bid by me in 2012, seeking the nomination of the newly established Chex Party.

Scrabble ninny

While he accuses me of moral cowardice and anti-Chex Party Mix leanings I would suggest that blogger Steve Douglass is, in fact, someone who I can consistently beat at Scrabble despite his increasing aptitude and enthusiasm. I hereby challenge him to an online match - best 2 out of 3, 25 minute tournament rules - to be held at an agreed upon date as yet to be agreed upon. ?!
Also, here's a link to his article recognizing my recent article about his return to blogging.
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog