Transit trike "Pedal faster cityboy!"

Idiot New Yorkers! Ha! Trains and buses - that'll never work!
The rest of us use cars and we'll stop at nothing - even poisoning the atmosphere!

Oh, I made myself sad.

As if you didn't know

I was, of course, referring to the Isaiah I. Jefferson Memorial Maritime Alligator Table.
Why, what did you think?

I vote for "Die Trying"

I know, that's just mean.
Sorry.

Lunesta: The horses can't save you.

"There's a horse downstairs...
and it's acting like Jesus."

That is what one person had as a hallucination induced by my current sleep aid.
For me it just makes everything taste bitter.
Plus I don't have a downstairs.
Ranch baby!
Any horses acting like Jesus will just have to wait in the living room.

Time to try some warm milk, or maybe someone can hit me with a golf club or something.
This shit is too crazy for me.

What's a guhgortion?

Let's see...
38 x 4 + 3 = 155

Yes, I'm in my 155th trimester.
This is how I look on ultrasound.

Looks like mom shoulda lightened up on the mixed drinks.

My super powers

1. Hot Feet
The ability to make my feet warm by simply concentrating on it. They actually get hot to the touch if I visualize pulling boots off my frozen feet, like when I was a kid and came in from playing in the snow.

2. Super-Corrected Vision
Using contact lenses my vision is corrected to better than 20/20, often registering 20/5. This means I can see at 20 feet what people with "perfect" vision can see at 5 feet.

I sometimes wonder if that might be due to my optometrist's somewhat lackluster homemade eyechart.

The grays are back

Three of them.
Short, 4-feet tall, dull gray skin like a dolphin, big black angry featureless eyes.
They think I'm paralyzed as I lie there in bed, eyes wide open in mock terror.
They are close. They're built like walking rootballs - gangly, weak limbs, fragile paper-thin skeletons, bloated midsections like pumpkins. Too much time in the comfort of low gravity.
I lash out and hit one in the head with the bedside stained glass lamp. Shards of leaded glass stick in it's soft oversized noggin like porcupine quills. The heavy wrought iron lamp base, covered in felt, butts it right in the face like a speeding black iron wall.
I kick with both feet from my lying position and connect with the second ones distended abdomen, it stumbles backward and hits it's melon head against the rock-hard plasterboard wall. I pull off one of it's long spindly arms like a turkey leg and reach out to trip the third one who is running like a scared little girl with it's hands in the air. It falls through the open bedroom door face first and slides into the hallway.
Three more for my research colleagues at the UCONN medical center.
I wonder if the visitors are figuring out that the sleep hypnosis device is counteracted by my anti-depressants?


So many now. So stupid. So trusting.
It's almost sad.

Flush with confidence

After several days of rain my front yard has been excavated and a totally new sewer line installed from the house to the MDC West Hartford sewer system.
My quality of life will improve dramatically with this major expenditure.
I can flush huge objects now.
I'm beginning with an old desk and a radial arm saw.

Busty cops deployed to assist in disaster

Don't believe the hype.
I don't think busty cops and erotic cakes are going to help as much as we've been told by our government.

Plus..."Assist in disaster"?
Is that really the way that should read?
They might be making things WORSE on purpose!
Such are the nuances of the written language.

Anti-hurricane vests and balms unproven

Clearly hurricane prevention technology is still in it's infancy. I think when it's a mature and proven technology we should roll it out and help these people. Sure it's too late now but I can only imagine that they'd appreciate the gesture in lieu of any other kind of support.
Hey, what could it hurt?

Things I'm glad aren't in my general area...
25 feet of water
Feces
Urine
Alligators
Snakes (see https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog)
Armed gunmen
Corpses
135 mile-per-hour winds

It's gotta suck I should imagine.

I think I'll give someone who handles this sort of thing some money.
Wait, isn't the government supposed to help people in some way?
Guess not.

Mayday!

"9-1-1...emergency services."

---"THERE'S A WOMAN IN MY HOUSE!"

"Sir, calm down."

---"ANIMALS...STRANGE ANIMALS!"

"Is this an emergency? Are you OK? What is your address...where are you..."

---"THE LITTLE ONE IS BITING!"

"What is the nature of your emergency?"

---"Actually, it kind of tickles. (laughing)..look at that...she can't break the skin!"

"Idiot."

Day Three

Now there is Marvin. He is a medicated cat, slower than he was last week.
He is still freaked out by his new surroundings and will not be meeting Sam until September 15th.
You are apparently supposed to make sure male cats adapt to sharing their environments for a time before actually allowing them to meet face to face.

Marvin refused to be photographed for this article.

Day Two

Now there are four.
Me, Sue, Sam, Paisley.
Paisley is the smart one.
Q*bert and Galaga have left the building and made way for the one-pound majesty of a creature who thrives on dried pineapple and potato chips. Paisley has all the characteristics of a puppy but is box trained (mostly) and is clearly more intelligent. She is curious in the extreme and eager to wrestle with me, despite my substancial weight advantage and color vision.
Also, my species has nuclear weapons.
Still she bites.
She can't even break the skin.
It's tragically comic to be attacked by such a lovable little monster.

Day One

There are more clothes in my home than at any time before.
I fear I may be crushed beneath them if a sturdy and attractive storage system is not located soon.
Also more wicker.
Baskets...who needs so many baskets?
I am unsure if potpourri is involved.

Moment of Zen

To all my friends at the Daily Show (Ø) I would like to thank you for a special day in the sweltering New York of Manhattan.
To the Amtrak Acela rail people I would like to say that a "high-speed" train needs to arrive before the regular speed service that is provided. I know that local sissies don't like fast trains on their backyard railroad tracks - they like to park their cars there. They relish the 45 minute symphony provided by your 30 mile-per-hour Metro North clunkers as they pass through their blighted neighborhoods and
I suggest to you though the following mathematical argument.
High Speed > Regular Speed
Furthermore, up the people's collective bungholes!
We need speedy bullet trains now!
When I see cars pass me on I-95 as I ride America's premiere high-speed rail service I become confused and belligerent, screaming that "I'm all taking over these whole train! MAKE GO FAAAST!" Then I spend the night in train jail and no one really wins do they?

New planet in our system

There has been a new planet discovered in our solar system.
This makes 10.
Ok, terrestrials here's the lineup and a comparison of sizes...
. Mercury
. Venus
. Earth
. Mars
O Jupiter
o Saturn
o Uranus
o Neptune
. Pluto
. This new one
Someday this will mean something to most people, right now I'm not sure most folks even know which planet they're on.
Hint: It's the third one.

OK, knock it off

Stop having so many babies.
Everyone, please.
Yes, you there!
Put that thing away - you're killing me.

Painting partner

One thing you do not want to hear from your painting partner in the other room is...
"Do you have a special tool to get my head out of this bucket?"

Nor, when asked to explain what would prompt such behavior, do you want your partner responding...
"I got thirsty."

Boo-boos

If you're going to hang closet doors and drive a deck screw through your thumb nail make sure to use the fine thread screws, the coarse thread ones don't hold as well.

Spacemen from Banana River

According to an article about the postponed launch of the space shuttle,
"About 10 miles from the launch site along the Banana River, scores of shuttle watchers ..."
Banana River?
We launch our spacecraft, our embassadors to the cosmos from Banana River.

We are contacted aboard the space station by aliens, perhaps millions of years more evolved than we are.
We then have to explain that
"We just arrived...
after leaving...
from Banana River.
Down there. See it?"

This is how it happens.
Judging us harshly, the aliens instantly turn all humans inside out like so many kernels of popcorn.
They move on.

Volatile Organic Clompounds

Thank goodness there is no harmful fumes released from latex paint.
Still though, they are stinky.
I'm feel like something is wrong central with my nervous system or brain but am also dizzy and a little woozy.
I'm lie down on the floor until tomorrow later.

Saturn is spinning more slowly?

In a BBS News article on findings of the Cassini probe.
"And Saturn is rotating seven minutes more slowly than when probes measured its spin in the 70s and 80s - an observation experts cannot yet explain."
If this isn't an error in measurements taken by Pioneer and Voyager(s) then this is the wierdest damn thing I've heard of in quite a while.
It IS NOT my fault. I never touched it.

I hate horses

This guy hates horses even more than me.
http://horsehater.blogspot.com/
Thanks to Steve for this one.

Sleepy Vader

War of the Worlds

The aliens stomp humanity thoroughly. It's extremely realistic looking. The characters are cliches but so tolerable compared to Lucas.
We really get our asses kicked, did I mention that?
That's gotta be worth something.
No one is going to like this because it has no glorious ending just a simple dead end like the book. No apologies...The End, boom, go home.
Mercilessly scary and dark.
I love it.

Order of the Day

Respirator
Goggles
2.25 inch scraper
Sanding (60-grit orbital)
Skim coating
Corn Nuts (Original flavor)
Seltzer water
Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" motion picture soundtrack
Air conditioning
CHECK!
SIR, YES SIR!

I smell like goats.
Used goats.

Forecast: RUN LIKE HELL!

Hastings, Nebraska

You've never even ridden in a horse.

I hate horses.
They are like giant, insane cows.
Where did our romantic attachment for these monsters come from?
Just because it's stupid enough to let you ride it, doesn't mean it loves you or understands anything. They're herd animals that grew too tall.
I know you're thinking "But they're so smart and beautiful and powerful. And plus, you've never even ridden one."
You're right. That's because 50% of the people I know who ride them have been seriously injured at some point.
They step on you.
They kick you.
They bite you.
They throw you.
You fall off them.
They fall on you.
They get 'spooked' by a 'sound' or some other cosmic distrubance like a blade of grass or someone farting on a distant planet and then they go insane and crush you up against a wall.
You hit your head on something because the horse is so smart it can't figure out that you require more clearance than it does. Also, it's so compassionate and loving it comes back to make sure you're OK. Oh, that actually never happens.
They sweat foam.
They foam at the mouth.
They have bowel movements the size of full 35 gallon trash bags.
They urinate a minimum of 3 gallons at a time.
They cost a fortune to maintain.

So they're beautiful? In what way?
They're gangly, fragile, moody, stinky tall cows.
Have you ever seen a tiger, a hummmingbird, or a manta ray?
Now look at a horse. Be serious, don't waste my time.

They're powerful?
Sure, they're stronger than us (they are also bigger so that really isn't a miracle) but their stupidity and poor design make them useless half the time because they break some part of their body and are injured or have to be killed. Or better yet, they live on for years like huge convalescent rump roasts using up space and money.
Power without control. Oh, that's right, they have such subtle and complete control they manage sometimes to jump over small objects with a rider on their back. Only sometimes do they fall, killing the rider and possibly themselves. Wow, they jump over objects half their height. Oh wait, even a bush pig or a human can do that.

They're smart?!
No. They aren't. Let's not confuse insanity with complexity. Just because they react in random, often hazardous, ways to the slightest input doesn't make them smart. That means they're inbred freaks that we created so we could hitch a ride. They're batshit crazy and haven't even the intelligence of a chihuahua. Do they catch frisbees? Can they speak in sign language? You'd be lucky if you can teach them to sit down or even stop running when you want them to. Wait, after years of training they can be taught to prance. You want smart? Go ask a chimpanzee what it thinks of your horse. It'll sign back "Horses stupid animals. Smelly. Hurt Bobo. Bite Bobo. Where kitty?"

Batman: The Horse

Thinking it was an 'impossible odds' story about a horse with no legs and an alcoholic 5-year old girl jockey, I was persuaded to see a film I was assured was titled "Batman: The Horse". It was, however, "Batman Begins" - which did have a horse in it. It was just fine. I recommend it.

And plus too...

I'm overweight.
I HAVE to diet.
Well, I may not have medical coverage or a place to live soon. I sure as hell can't find a job. But I will have substancial reserves of moderately toxin infused body fat to live off of.
Also, Democrats are idiots.
So is George Lucas.
What was I thinking?

I'm not going to help anymore

That's it.
America gets what it wants.
Best of luck assh0les.
What we need is another 8 terms of republican presidents and then I can just die knowing that things are going to go in a predictable direction.
I'm tired of holding out hope for America and it's 'potential'.
Let's face it we're a bunch of goddamn idiots, we have only the capacity to decline.
We have no long- or short-term plan of any kind that I'm aware of. It's impossible for us to engage in civil engineering of any scale greater than 5 years because those in power will not benefit from the eventual positive result.
We cling to superstition in the face of overwhelming, measurable reality.
Astronomy? The Pope? Oh yeah, he represents the invisible man in the sky. I forgot.
The class divide seems to be widening to me.
How many people do you know who are in economic decline? How many are ascending?
Civil war? Totalitarianism? Mass indentured servitude? Never ending war? Plague? I can't imagine a positive outcome for this place any longer.
How can anyone who isn't self-deceiving pretend that soon we will have an improved society in which an educated electorate brings about rapid change in free elections when it's clear that the winner will always be the guy who simply looks more presidential? Defined here as a new universal constant embodied by Martin Sheen.
When will we pass an amendment stating that medical treatment, housing, food, water, and a free chance at education and betterment are assured to all.
When will we extract from the wealthy the dues they evade and yet are still permitted to leach off the society?
Now that is a rant.
Can anyone present a compelling rationale for improvement of any kind?

Qualified ceiling painter sought

I am covered with white specks.
The floor is covered in white specks.
The white specks stick to my sweaty skin.
The specks get in my eyes.

Never try to texture paint a ceiling and never try to remove it.
Just get someone to demolish your house.

George Lucas learning to write

There was only about 1 minute of painful dialog in this latest and last Star Wars. Other than that it was pretty fun and a little dark.
I think he should stop now though, with the Star Wars movies, TV, cartoons, musicals, toys, games and industrial adhesives.
Someone could write some NEW science fiction movies?
Maybe about the future or set in space or something.
Yes! War of the Worlds! H.G. Wells has this book about Martians invading Earth!
No one on Mars though. See, here are the pictures. Pretty boring place.
OK, that won't work. We'll just make anything we want and call it War of the Worlds but give it to a good director and maybe it'll fly.
THEN we can work on some new movies.
Hey! Those superhero comic books from the 1970s?
Live action Fat Albert?
That's science fiction right? Hmmm.

This call may be recorded

So, if I don't get my prescriptions filled I turn what I can only describe as "inside-out and covered with red algae". Knowing this, my insurance company and benefits coordinator managed to foul up my coverage so that it was listed as cancelled - despite paying them in excess of $10,000 this month alone. My pharmacy told me that in order to afford my meds without coverage I'd need to "drop my drawers" and perform a simple dance. Unwilling to do so, without them even asking for my "social", I returned to my benefits coordinator and asked her to respond to a few simple questions in order to improve the quality of service.

Regarding the cancellation of my insurance for one week despite my excessive payment...

Mary, how would you rate the level of service provided during the week ending 5/6/2005?
A. Totally up the schwazole
B. Merely IN the schwazole

Her reluctant response suggested that she was uncomfotable with this line of questioning. I suggested she call back during working hours and rub something viscous and permanently discoloring in her hair.

The Seventh Blade

I think I pushes the Q-Tip in so far and now have the cotton on my brain.

The first blade grabs the hair.
The second blade shaves incredibly close.
The third blade double checks to make sure you are shaved.
The fourth blade is there in case the third blade is incapacitated and unable to fulfill it's duties.
The fifth blade is a backup.
The sixth blade is purely for show, that way one blade always looks pristine.
The seventh blade is there to honor the spirits of the dead.

Twin blades.
Triple blades.
Four blades?
So five is the new goal?
Just because we CAN do something doesn't mean we should.
We did that cloning thing and now they're running all over creation pissing on transformers and shorting them out. Plus, let's face it, they can't handle the responsibility of a credit card.

Secret machine

Send less injustice

DAMN!
Grit your teeth as hard as you can and exhale all the air out of your lungs.
That's what happens when you're FURIOUS!
Stupid Scrabble Hasbro dictionary pig-f*ckers!

MULCHERS!

MULCHERS DOWN FROM A TRIPLE WORD CORNER!
NOT A WOOOOOOOOOORD! AHHHHHH!
MULCH is OK.
MULCH, MULCHES, MULCHED, sure. That makes sense.
Who EVER heard of a machine or person who makes ever-donkey-farting-MULCH?!
How could the lexicographers ever imagine something or someone who produces MULCH!

That's like a million points down the guano vortex! 100+ points!
AaaaahhhhhHH! [rending of clothes]
SPOOT!

The chosen one

After eating a whole genoa salami grinder it came to me in a dream.
Chewbacca is Darth Vader's son.
Luke was just a decoy to distract Vader to the point of self-destruction and get rid of the Emperor. The inept Jedi needed to be put off the scent too so that they didn't botch another simple protection job. "Ooo yeah, we'll hide the child on Vader's home planet, he'll never look there." Right. ;-)
In the end everything cancels out - all the real Jedi die, all the Sith die and balance is restored. No more force for anyone. Balance baby! Just hairy Chewbacca who has no force but seems to be likeable enough. Oh, yeah, Luke and Leia are twins and neither has the force. That was just a placebo effect caused by Obi Wan and his insistence that Luke was something other than the dirt farming nitwit he so clearly is. The young want to hear that they're special. In reality they are not. Luke will soon discover that his powers do not stand up to the critical eye of science and he will retire into obscurity. Chewbacca can pull your arms off though and between him and Han Solo's kids the galaxy is in good hands.

Treasury bastards

Shouldn't the feds already know what I make if they get all my income vouchers?
Why would they then ASK me to tell them how much I made?

"Oh...me...I made...
seven dollars actually!"
"It's amazing!"

Just send me the bill you twits.
I can't exploit any loopholes anyway.
Oh, and stop pissing my hard earned (?!) money away on invading places I have no use for. Hey, invade the country I like to call
"Minimal-Military-Necessary-to-Provide-Defense-Land"

You f*cking turds.

Vatican finds new pope, departure from tradition

The Vatican's College of Cardinals has announced the appointment of a new Pope without the traditional and lengthy process of deliberation. Also in breaking with tradition, the new pope will be an egg-laying female named "Hive Alpha the First" and be among the few pontiffs to have a set of retractable inner jaws.

"This comes as a surprise to those in the developing world who had hoped for a Latin-American or African to be among the candidates for the position." said veteran Vatican correspondent Sylvia Poggioli of NPR news. "Xenomorphs make up such a small fraction of the Catholic faithful around the world."

Kill THAT animal?

Hunting seems like an unpleasant thing to me.
Maybe there is some joy in the natural environment?
Is it about killing a living thing? That can seem like fun but what a damn mess though. Just kill a co-worker - plus they have it coming.
Maybe it really tastes great? (The meat, not the underpants.)
Anyone ever seen a slaughterhouse though? Anyone ever think "That's for me!"?
Killing for food is like digging for your own oil so you can make the synthetic stretchy band for your underpants. I say it's best left to the pros.
Certainly I've eaten my share of the natural world.
*Cough* Whopper with cheese from the rainforest *Cough*
Excuse me.
But why would you want to spend free time...ah screw it.
Knock yourself out.

Fleeing weenies!

Someone must challenge me at Scrabble!

I'm a reasonable man.

I demand that someone arrive before I finish typing and let me beat them at Scrabble!
Douglass brothers?!
There will be hell toupee.

*Rimshot!*
Poor Dean Koontz.
All the money in the world and he looks like he's wearing a piece of black lettuce on his head.

Danger: Exploding Signs

I'm hoping that the eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone and the 100-foot tidal waves caused by landslides on the Canary Islands may, together, provide the kind of challenge that a certain conservative North American nation needs to give it some perspective on how important the defense of Iraqi democracy really is.
Also, I'm 56 feet above sea level!
Where can I get one of these pool floats?



Not that anyone is looking, but do you think this woman has overworked her eyebrows?
Are we supposed to be attracted?!

Luck be a lady

My friend Maven, embodied here as "Scrabbly" (on the left) sends out a big "Howdy doo!" to me and my Scrabble skills.

Sneeze guard

Samsung’s 82-inch LCD salad visualization system.
Apparently, as the model is indicating, 82 inches is "about THIIIIS big".

America perfects "Wandering Unemployed" technology

In an effort to stave off possible economic success even further I have embarked on the construction of a product which I am going to sell.

Baggy eyes or Classic Fit?

Insomnia has got the best of me.
After three days with about 6 hours of sleep, your boy is tired.
I look like 5 miles of home-made soup.
I've tried making myself scarce but there I am again.
Nighty night.

Oscar smiles on gravitational confluence

According to scientists working at Johnson Space Flight Center and a Defense Department spokesman at NORAD, the Academy Awards celebration, also known as the Oscar's, has indeed not only passed out of Earth's orbit but is headed on a circuitous route which will plunge it ultimately into the sun. "The entire facility, the Kodak Theatre which housed the 77th Academy Awards, and soil and bedrock down to a depth of more than 50 meters has been thrown free of the Earth's gravitational attraction. The glamour and excitement that is the Oscar's will use the planet Venus as a gravitational slingshot, traveling out to Jupiter and using that planet's massive gravitational field to hurl it back into the sun in March of 2007."

This sort of planetary alignment rarely corresponds to Oscar night and astrophysicists are pleased that a journey that would typically take decades will be so drastically accelerated. As one JPL planetary scientist put it "You couldn't hope for a more precise trajectory for those talented Hollywood luminaries and their awards. Their final closing speed into the sun will be over 300,000 miles per hour, faster than the Voyager spacecraft ever achieved."

Chris Rock, the show's MC, quipped "Just like the Academy, gravity keeps a brother down. Oh, that's right, sorry Morgan."

ISO walkout

I am walking out of the ISO proceedings because they are focusing too much attention on wireless security standards and completely ignoring my proposal to recognize Sam, my Turkish Angora cat, as an IEEE-certified DVM2PE, "Digital, Versatile, Money-to-Poop Engine".

Satchmo

To the tune of "Wonderful World"...

"And I think to myself, I'll take over the world."

Too much information

Patient:
"I noticed in your pamphlet, doctor, that under the category "Alternatives to Vasectomy" they don't list 'Confused, last minute, operating table assault and pantsless flight into the streets.' Further, will cutting into my scrotum hurt?"

Doctor:
"No, I won't feel a thing. I'll be totally tanked by 10AM. Thanks for your concern."

Giant spiders in the urinals!

Arg!
There are giant spiders in the urinals!
And giant invisible robot crabs have knocked out the power lines again!
Check this movie. They're clearly visible!

Not visible as such.
Anyway.

Waiter, there's too many cooks in my spoiled stew

I make-uh for myself-uh the bella lasagna.
Pasta fagiola! Multo felicito!
Dat's a nice-uh!

So, the lady on the radio says "Use toasted pine nuts...any nuts will do though."
So I used coconuts.
*Rimshot!*
You ever try to toast those things?!
Whoa, what a crazy deal!

Is this thing on?
That goes out to the 8 people my old employer just laid off.
As if things weren't bad enough. Am I right!? Hey!

Sweet nectar

Wow, Welch's Grape Juice with ice in it.
I'm not angry anymore.
Also, it's snowing!

Hulk enraged!

Taxes on prescription drugs?
Income tax on unemployment income?
Homeless people carrying bedrolls down the streets at night when it's 15 degrees outside?
We need to get Americans killed making sure that Iraq has democracy?
Nice to see mustacheman gone but that's our cue to get out.
This lady today at the store was unhappy that her nephew might get killed now that he's been called up for a third tour in Iraq. Supposed to be home in November and now it's February. Hey, that's got to suck. Nice of them to increase the death benefit to $100k for those folks. Hey, here's an idea, bring them home and don't pay ANY death benefit. That could really save money. Better yet, send your own worthless, entitled turd children. Mr. Bush, you've got two healthy, boozing girls, why aren't they serving?
"Draft the Bush girls." That'd look good on a little ribbon.
Somehow I doubt anyone in government reads this. Or out of government for that matter. It feels good to vent though.
Sorry this has so little entertainment value.
I need to break through a wall like the Kool-Aid guy and then beat someone up, then I'll feel better.


OH YEAH!!

"Old" is the new "New"

What?

Anyway.
Based on a recent odor tomography survey of my cat's litter box conducted from low earth orbit, I have determined that my cat must be eating plutonium and brie.

Send help.

5.1 sounds nice

I finally hootched up my additional speakers for my little home theater.
Added a center and two rear little cube dealies.
No sound in the center, why? :-(
I then bothered to figure out that my PC was only putting out left and right. I enabled the SPDIF 5 channel digital output and yikes!
Now I can hear the dialog.
That's the word sounds...
...that come from the beige and brown animals.
I wonder what they're saying?
Not much fur on those critters.
Gotta get cold for them out in this snow.
More snow, fluffy and white.
Four more inches by early tonight. :-)
Where do I put it?
Maybe someone in hell would like it.

Blizzard of now

Snizow! 18 inches of snizow on the grizound!
Plus it's colder than a well-diggers chicken.
-0.5 degrees with 50 mile per hour winds, blowing snow 18 inches deep!
That's Connecticut flava!
Also, Charles Nelson Reilly is from here...

He was on Match Game.

No degrees

There's no more 'F's in this here thermometer.
Zeeero.

Actually, it's -0.5F.

Try this experiment:
Pour a glass of water.
Place it in the refridgerator for 1/2 hour.
Take the glass outside into the middle of a large hard surface, such as a parking lot.
Throw the water straight up into the air as hard as you can.
By the time it reaches the ground you will be an ice cold idiot.

Repeat.

Speed demon

You're matching my speed exactly and giving me the stinkeye, so apparently you want to race on the interstate. (?!)
However, you're driving a lowered American performance sedan with your kids STUFFED ANIMALS on the rear deck.
Really.
Look back there "G".
:-(

Yes, your ride is "turbo".
I would go so far as to admit that it is "money".
"I have been have properly served", I think, as you finally blast away down the right lane.
My departing thought will, however, be this...
Are those YOUR dollies?

Make sure to check that sh*t before you leave the house. It's silly.

Wrestling the president

Winning the war on...BAM!...Headlock!
So the election was an endorsement of our current invasion policy?
It's probably illegal to visualize, in great detail, putting the president in a Full Nelson?
Steve? Pile Driver?

There's no 'U' in winning

In dramatic contradiction to their research on viruses and bacteria as sources of mortality, the CDC announced today that the film Elektra, starring Jennifer Garner, is the cause of almost all death in humans and large mammals. Edwin Moinst, spokesman for the CDC, announced at a press conference today that "We are still certain that some fatalities have been attributable to disease and infection but, apparently, we've been missing the big picture. Also, we know that tidal waves have killed some people."

Scrabble moving in the east...also Mordor

I am amassing a great army of braincells that specialize in Scrabble.
Otherwise useless to me, these 'thinking cells' have proven useful in the defeat of my computer on several occasions. Soon I hope to use them against the humans.
I have recently purchased books to provide these cells with increased...umm...goodness.
All of this has come at not the loss of other facilities where I used my brain was previously.
Certainly not the writing nor spoken-ing, also not memory or color seeing.
Sam Douglass of California will be among the first to face my awesome forces.

Coddled and soluble lozenges for actual somebody

What?
You heard me, coddled and soluble lozenges for actual somebody.
This must be part of the new laser SETI I've heard about.
These junk email message titles are amazing.
Why would I read a message with such a title? Is there advertising research that indicates I might me seduced in this fashion?

"The high-debt/34-39/white/suburban/male demo is all up into coddled and soluble lozenges."

"Don't you mean soluable, with an A?"

"No, stay with me...soluble. Something that can be solubbed?
Like, up your you-know-what. *wink* See?"

"No. But...how are they coddled?"

"Not literally! It's a metaphor...or an acronym. It makes sense."

"I'm completely on board with it being for an actual somebody."

Perhaps SETI should be sending messages instead of receiving. "Send help." might be a good start.

Show snovelling

Once again the snow comes.
It wasn't white this time but a sort of cyan color.
I suspect my friend Steve may be dumping toner on my property.
It makes good snowmen though.

Constant sorrow

Has anyone EVER been to Alabama or Kentucky?
I've never heard of anyone.
They are on maps.

Oh, Democratic party, don't forget to get a candidate next time that is from the south.
That way he'll get enough of the vote in "God, Guns, and Gays" states to flip the election.
See how that works?
Make sure he twangs.