Exploding toilet

I am in receipt of a message from the Town of West Hartford Metropolitan District Commission entitled
Sanitary Sewer Cleaning and TV Inspection

That's right, TV Inspection.
I presume TV is an acronym for something but they never say.
They do go on to recommend that I keep my toilet seat down
"...in the event that a pressure build up causes a spray."

First things first:
Sanitary Sewer?!
I've seen the inner workings of those things and the last adjective I'd throw at them would be "sanitary". Why, my "sanitary sewer" backed up into my basement a few years ago and the whole place was so fresh and clean that I needed to call in people with a van full of powerful equipment to put on environment suits and vacuum away all the springtime fluids and odors. And, let's face it, some springtime solids also.
This is a direct quote from the guys looking INTO my gaping sewer outlet to the street. This was said with a totally straight and flat delivery.
"There are some awful things in there."
These guys do this all day and night for a living for years on end but they saw fit to comment on my unique contribution to the industry. Wow.

Next up:
TV Inspection?!
It's got to stand for something and I apparently am expected to know what it means.
Turd Valve? Toilet Valet? I hope mine is extra nice so it passes inspection.
Maybe they actually mean television. I am prepared to have my television inspected by the state if that's what it will take to defeat terrorism.

Lastly:
Keep my toilet seat down in the event of a SPRAY?!
A spray of what? I bet it's lots of fun, whatever it is!
What is keeping my toilet seat down going to prevent if there should be a pressurized geyser of liquid sewage strong enough to reach from the street all the way into my house and up the pipe? I'm not sure I buy the whole toilet seat defense maneuver in much the same way that I didn't believe that duct tape and plastic was going to keep the atom bombs out of my house in 2001.

I aren't getting enough oxygen for my brains and cells

My sleep study lady calls me up and says I stopped breathing 25 times an hour during my study and my blood oxygen dropped from 95-100 down to 83. For perspective, 85-90 is what you get with serious emphysema. 60 is what you get shortly after you've died!
Turns out that if you have sleep apnea the worst thing to do is take a central nervous system suppressor. Apnea means either my brain is not sending the 'breathe' impulse properly or my fat body is not responding - probably both in my case. Add to that a CNS drug like, oh, say Clonazepam.. or Sertraline.. or Amitryptiline - and you're going to be one drowsy fucking corpse. I take all three of those pills just to be sure I'm nice and calm so I can sleep properly. Follow that? Probably not. See, then I don't breathe and then I can't really sleep and don't get any oxygen so I'm sleepy all the fucking time and extra fatigued and I can't remember anything and I always take my pills before bedtime but the the...
zzzzZZZZZ.
What?!
So I'll go back to the sleep folks and try out a nice breathing apparatus for a night - it'll be like sleeping in scuba gear, that should be a challenge.
So, in review, the answer to "Are you getting enough oxygen?" is no.

National Weather Service issues a warning for Falling Satellite Debris

Daily geek report: I must at least mention the collision of two satellites over Siberia and the insane sounding National Weather Service report out of Kentucky.
This IS for real. The Iridium was a GPS satellite and was operational and has plenty of backups. The Russian satellite was a broken military communications thingy.

"In Soviet Russia satellite launches YOU!"

PUBLIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE JACKSON KY
1145 PM EST FRI FEB 13 2009

...POSSIBLE SATELLITE DEBRIS FALLING ACROSS THE REGION...

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN JACKSON HAS RECEIVED CALLS THIS
EVENING FROM THE PUBLIC CONCERNING POSSIBLE EXPLOSIONS AND...OR
EARTHQUAKES ACROSS THE AREA. THE FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION HAS
REPORTED TO LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT THAT THESE EVENTS ARE BEING CAUSED
BY FALLING SATELLITE DEBRIS. THESE PIECES OF DEBRIS HAVE BEEN CAUSING
SONIC BOOMS...RESULTING IN THE VIBRATIONS BEING FELT BY SOME
RESIDENTS...AS WELL AS FLASHES OF LIGHT ACROSS THE SKY. THE CLOUD OF
DEBRIS IS LIKELY THE RESULT OF THE RECENT IN ORBIT COLLISION OF TWO
SATELLITES ON TUESDAY...FEBRUARY 10TH WHEN KOSMOS 2251 CRASHED INTO
IRIDIUM 33.

The most obscure joke ever

So I says to the Dean at Housatonic, "Hey, watch out for the Hunley!"

This joke will only work if you are a History major or if you use Google.

Missing windshield washer fluid cap

If whoever stole my windshield washer fluid cap would just return it I promise that I won't be mad.

I fixed my bedroom door hinge and that burner on the stove.

Does that help in any way?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to sleep

Comfy?