Thank you for your silence

When I inserted the Q-tip in my ear and said,
"It's just a habit.
I don't know why I do this.
There's nothing in there."
thank you for not saying anything.

Hissing

Why is this cat hissing at me?

Burping it doesn't seem to have helped any.

Jane Austen-tatious!

I'm considering writing a series of Jane Austen sequels in the form of classic arcade games. No, not really.
As Austen knew though, it's all about choosing a good title.
Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Like that.

The phonetic start of the words must be the same but they must not share a common meaning or base word. Also, it's good to have them be based on a unifying concept.

Crab fishermen in the Bering Strait
= Pinheads and Pincers

Stealing the fruit basket from an unconscious patient
= Hospital and Hospitality

It's fun kids, make your own!
A-to-Z! I'll get you started...
Ass and Aspirin
Bassinets and Basketballs
Condoms and Condiments

Having never read Jane Austen, nor seen any of the dreadful movies, I have no educated commentary other than to mock the titles of her books.
I would be a real bastard if I didn't give credit to http://austentatious.blogspot.com/, a real Jane Austen blog that isn't that funny but perhaps will tell you something about Jane Austen.

Keeping Connecticut more smarter

I have secured a position with the state at a community college as a Media Information Technology Innovation Associate of Something. My duties will encompass changing the urinal cakes and keeping greasy fingerprints off the glass doors in the Student Center.
My current superior, Paisley the ferret, is upset that I will be leaving my post here at home but I have given her 3 pieces of peanut butter cereal and I think she feels better now. I feel that she has been holding me back from achieving my full potential. I am over 200 times heavier and at least 1.5 times smarter than her and have always been uncomfortable calling her "boss" despite her formidable claws and teeth.
My colleagues, Sam and Marvin the cats, are holding a week-long going away bash for me. By "going away bash" they apparently mean sleeping in front of the windows and basking in the sun until drool pools around their heads. "When in Rome"...am I right?

Seriously, I wasn't cut out for crushing poverty and living with animals. I send my profound thanks to the nice folks at the college and look forward to sharing the skills I've developed as a freelancer...sleeping until 3:00PM and making a big mess.

Rent is killing me

"Rent" the movie.

Ready!
Aim!
SING!

Now I need to blow the insipid songs out of my head with a fucking bullet.

If you can't stand La Boheme for 4 hours what you need is 2 hours of this shit.
I'd rather see La Boheme on a non-stop roller coaster for 3 months with my underpants full of steel wool and drill bits.

Ghost nitwits

An American Haunting - When your daughter is the victim of a violent poltergeist I think it's been shown that the best thing to do is SOMETHING.

"Every night she's hanging by her hair, getting speed-slapped by demons, the windows explode, she gets ghost-raped, and then we can't get into her room.
It's crazy...for like a month now.
Still, I tuck her in and hope for the best.
Oh and my husband is being killed by demons also..coughing up blood all night...what a mess. I sure hope they stop. More tea?"

Idiots!