Secret machine

Send less injustice

DAMN!
Grit your teeth as hard as you can and exhale all the air out of your lungs.
That's what happens when you're FURIOUS!
Stupid Scrabble Hasbro dictionary pig-f*ckers!

MULCHERS!

MULCHERS DOWN FROM A TRIPLE WORD CORNER!
NOT A WOOOOOOOOOORD! AHHHHHH!
MULCH is OK.
MULCH, MULCHES, MULCHED, sure. That makes sense.
Who EVER heard of a machine or person who makes ever-donkey-farting-MULCH?!
How could the lexicographers ever imagine something or someone who produces MULCH!

That's like a million points down the guano vortex! 100+ points!
AaaaahhhhhHH! [rending of clothes]
SPOOT!

The chosen one

After eating a whole genoa salami grinder it came to me in a dream.
Chewbacca is Darth Vader's son.
Luke was just a decoy to distract Vader to the point of self-destruction and get rid of the Emperor. The inept Jedi needed to be put off the scent too so that they didn't botch another simple protection job. "Ooo yeah, we'll hide the child on Vader's home planet, he'll never look there." Right. ;-)
In the end everything cancels out - all the real Jedi die, all the Sith die and balance is restored. No more force for anyone. Balance baby! Just hairy Chewbacca who has no force but seems to be likeable enough. Oh, yeah, Luke and Leia are twins and neither has the force. That was just a placebo effect caused by Obi Wan and his insistence that Luke was something other than the dirt farming nitwit he so clearly is. The young want to hear that they're special. In reality they are not. Luke will soon discover that his powers do not stand up to the critical eye of science and he will retire into obscurity. Chewbacca can pull your arms off though and between him and Han Solo's kids the galaxy is in good hands.

Treasury bastards

Shouldn't the feds already know what I make if they get all my income vouchers?
Why would they then ASK me to tell them how much I made?

"Oh...me...I made...
seven dollars actually!"
"It's amazing!"

Just send me the bill you twits.
I can't exploit any loopholes anyway.
Oh, and stop pissing my hard earned (?!) money away on invading places I have no use for. Hey, invade the country I like to call
"Minimal-Military-Necessary-to-Provide-Defense-Land"

You f*cking turds.

Vatican finds new pope, departure from tradition

The Vatican's College of Cardinals has announced the appointment of a new Pope without the traditional and lengthy process of deliberation. Also in breaking with tradition, the new pope will be an egg-laying female named "Hive Alpha the First" and be among the few pontiffs to have a set of retractable inner jaws.

"This comes as a surprise to those in the developing world who had hoped for a Latin-American or African to be among the candidates for the position." said veteran Vatican correspondent Sylvia Poggioli of NPR news. "Xenomorphs make up such a small fraction of the Catholic faithful around the world."

Kill THAT animal?

Hunting seems like an unpleasant thing to me.
Maybe there is some joy in the natural environment?
Is it about killing a living thing? That can seem like fun but what a damn mess though. Just kill a co-worker - plus they have it coming.
Maybe it really tastes great? (The meat, not the underpants.)
Anyone ever seen a slaughterhouse though? Anyone ever think "That's for me!"?
Killing for food is like digging for your own oil so you can make the synthetic stretchy band for your underpants. I say it's best left to the pros.
Certainly I've eaten my share of the natural world.
*Cough* Whopper with cheese from the rainforest *Cough*
Excuse me.
But why would you want to spend free time...ah screw it.
Knock yourself out.