Spring Haiku

Ouchy explosions
Like spring itself, and flowers
Bring the hope of change

A Haiku for Dick Cheney

Software conference

They were looking for a name which reflected the breadth and elegance of the software the programmers were foisting off on us.

I suggested "Experimental Retarded Zombie".

Reception dinner

Selections from Faith Middleton and Jacques Pepin

Your choice of:

Coelocanth with Roasted Fairfield County Panther in a Strawberry Mobil 1 Reduction

Set Screws with Nozzle Gimbal Profiles in a Goldfinger Joint Compound Demiglaze

Families are reading this?!

Yes, I will prove my marriage by going on a boat.
This boat will visit places in May that are more advanced than anything currently available in the waters of New England.

Orbital maneuvering will commence thusly...
New York -> Bermuda -> St. Thomas -> St. Maarten -> San Juan -> New York

At some point before then I will receive federal passport papers and also get married. Sometime in September there will be family celebrations. The families are likely reading this blog now so I'll keep this next part quiet.

(how am I going to explain that my mom is made out of anti-matter?)

Friends also will be selected at random over the coming months to join in a celebration.

You gotta be 10% smarter than the equipment you're running

Redneck Kentucky and the Next Generation Chickens

"It's simple: the Chickens are hatching an evil plot as we speak, they walk around the yard, dig in the dirt, they seem to do nothing but their eyes are just too slicky. You sometimes get hit on the head with a heavy thing but they always pretend it's not them."

Electron, Proton, Crouton

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld, what's up with Olive Garden?
They have salad refills, nice...but they always put in two olives per salad.
Are olives endangered or something?
They should call themselves Crouton Garden. They put enough of those fuckers on there to block out the sun.
I've been bringing them home and spreading them on my icy driveway.

Intelligent bathroom design

There's a pattern here.
These things are laid out every sixteen inches.

It's maddening!
Exactly sixteen inches! Every time!
It's like someone or something is controlling the position!

I've tried prayer but I am unanswered.
God has forsaken me and my drywall.

Eureka!

Our technicians, in cooperation with research facilities in China, France, Japan and Russia have created an object which, when left completely on it own...
I can't stress that enough, LEFT COMPLETELY ON IT OWN...
will always fall over.

Thank you.

No questions please.

Supreme Courtship

In a rare unanimous decision, the "highest court in the land" has delivered a landmark ruling and determined that someone has to marry me.
In an effort to comply with the federal court's decision, Susan Mayo (Sue) has accepted my proposal and will become married to me at an undetermined future date, possibly May.
Despite a haircut that can best be described as "homestyle" and a nearly 40 year history as a goofy ass, Sue has decided that I "am the man for her" and I will hastily seize this opportunity before her head injury has time to heal.
Thanks to her whole family for kindly welcoming me in without any visible snickering.

ATHF movie

"Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship."

http://www.adultswim.com/shows/athf/movie/index.html

Berzerkshires

After spending this weekend in the mountains of western Massachusetts I have indeed determined that:
A. John Harvard's Brewhouse sucks
B. Has always sucked
C. Will likely always suck

More news later.

Non-binding New Years resolution

My resolution for 2007 is...
1680x1050
If I can maintain that (or better!) on all my displays I will consider myself a success.

Remember 9/11...actually

There were these knuckleheads, these al-Qaeda guys, who went nuts and flew these airplanes into the World Trade Center, like not too long ago right?
Yeah...they're in Pakistan.
That's what Negroponte says anyway.
Also, the main guy is there.
Can someone in the federal government help these idiots "down the stairs" as it were?
Thanks, Ken

Also, just get the troops out of Iraq - those guys get actually, really, and totally killed over there. They're made for attack and defense, not fucking around.
We have no clue what we're doing over there, that should be evident.
Thanks again, I know you won't let me down.

Is that a tumbleweed I hear blowing by?

F*cking miter cuts

In carpentry, as in square dancing, you must distinguish between your partner and your enemies.

"Patient is belligerent and noisy"

From my MRI report:
"..a loose mixture of acorns, bottlecaps, and assorted detritus."

Apparently my brain is OK!

Now, why do I get visual migraines?
Who knows!
Let's medicate!

Also, just for fun, ask the MRI techs
"Will I feel anything when the magnets switch on?"
After getting their reassurance, wait until they throw the switch and then yell out
"MECHANICALLY-ADVANTAGED OHIO!
NO WONDER THERE'S NO PEANUT BUTTER LEFT UP THERE!
OUCHIE!"

Macabre Salad

Lettuce
Tomatoes
Black olives
Blue cheese ?
BOILED EGGS ?!

Brutal.

I'm so glad I've found a life partner who will take this bullet for me.
"Cobb salad? Yeah, that's hers. Over there. Thank you."

Visual migraines make dullards seem exotic

It's fun to talk to someone and then have this crystalline, sparkling presence superimposed on them. As they blather on it gradually grows to encompass their face and then their entire head disappears into a black hole of missing visual information.
"I can hear your lips a-flappin' but I can't even see your head and I'm looking right at you." That's some silly shit!

MRI on Monday.

I suspect my brain may have been replaced with a jingle bell in some sort of holiday mixup.

Saddam

Another young comedian struck down at the top of his career.

Not struck exactly.

Back to Connecticut

To the people of New Hampshire and Vermont,
liberals, socialists, intellectuals,
and, let's face it, honkies...
folks who never say motherfucker.

Merry Christmas!

Holiday music

Nothing says "Happy Germans" like a little Beethoven.

-This is a link to a large file of some kind
-So is this

If folks could keep this running as a little soundtrack in their ugly, horsetooth, pointy little heads they wouldn't drive like assholes and make me go all "sickhouse on they asses".

Yah buzzcut, no-style-Chevy driving nitwits!
I didn't know that thing came with standard driver- and passenger-side DOUCHEBAGS!

Happy shopping everyone!

Carl Sagan ten years on - Contact film/book differences

Huge props to Carl Sagan, my parents, sisters, and my bro-in-law Dale for turning me on to science and critical thought back when I was a wee lad with an even worse haircut. A "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" cosmos is a wondrous and bewildering enough thing without going over the edge and looking for the invisible man in the sky.

I always found it interesting that they changed the ending of the movie Contact to diverge from the book. I wonder what Ann Druyan was thinking when she signed off on this or if Carl was aware of it too.

In the movie it seems that Ellie Arroway is made to accept that faith is the only thing that will vindicate her. She comes back from her journey to the aliens with absolutely no solid evidence.
"Hope you believe me 'cuz I got nothing here. Bupkiss. Not even a t-shirt."

In the book she is given inside information about the creation of the universe and uses a supercomputer to prove the existence of a universal designer. Science and faith are united in a way that even an atheist like myself found very satisfying and imaginative.

Deep thoughts

As the holidays and the new year approach year carefully consider the important things in your life.

Reflect on the differences between:
-Crispy
-Crunchy
-Hard

Flat panel mania

Has anyone ever found a non-flat panel display?

I'm looking for a sort of convex panel display.

Seriously, $300 for a 23-inch LCD HDTV that can double as a gaming/PC monitor.
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.asp?item=N82E16889179006

Plastic balls for every need

Just what I've been looking for!

http://www.complexplastics.com/balls/

Learning to Live with Small Black Holes - Conclusion: Not Easy

The last magnet was put in place in the monster Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
Woohoo! Let’s make some baby black holes! Or some new universes!
Hopefully they won’t be populated with idiots.

http://science.slashdot.org/science/06/12/01/0046219.shtml

Gotta see these pics…
Now THIS is a machine.
http://blog.wired.com/wiredphotos2/
http://doc.cern.ch//archive/electronic/cern/others/PHO/photo-hi/0611011_03.jpg


A “Time Projection Chamber”…SERIOUSLY!…I’m sure this will be used only for “good”
http://doc.cern.ch//archive/electronic/cern/others/PHO/photo-alice//tpc-2006-003.jpg

It’s about 13 MILES in diameter.
http://lhc-machine-outreach.web.cern.ch/lhc-machine-outreach/images/cern-photos/CE0077M.jpg

http://doc.cern.ch//archive/electronic/cern/others/PHO/photo-si/0107015_01.jpg

Not to worry

I seem to have caused some concern to my readers with my post yesterday about National Methamphetamine Awareness Day.

There is no cause for alarm - the cupcakes to which I referred were prepared in an Atkins-friendly manner using Splenda and soy flour.

Meth is one thing, unwanted carbs are another.

Smoke up kids

In observance of November 30, National Methamphetamine Awareness Day, I have just completed a 27 hour rally session of methamphetamine consumption.

-Meth cupcakes with vanilla frosting
-Aerogel/solidified meth smoke, deposited on a metal plate cooled by liquid nitrogen and then applied liberally to the scalp
-Meth breath mints (Methos?)
-Methampehtiminated, carbonated soda
-Roast turkey stuffed with meth rocks and herbs

I have to say, I feel no effects of any kind.
I wish the whiny babies in the media would stop fabricating these lies about harmless children's medications and start posting the paper tube that I had on my head when the Germans ruled the place and he starts keeping the damn trains running all around the passbook, or bank account thing, you know the one. I had that where I was 7 and I never could remember my baptism nor the monies I received.

Sam the cat is gone

He loved all humans.
He is the closest to a son that I will ever have.

Shown here with his mom in 2005.



Shown here with his brother Pinhead in 2000.



Shown here on my bed in 1995.

Tired Super-ninny Projects

I would like to announce the creation of a new domain...
www.fakeenthusiasm.com
I have found that when dealing with companies, many of their ideas and products are tired and lame. They are, none the less, very excited about them.

Client
"Boy, I can't wait to roll out that 3D visualization of our tradeshow booth display for those hinges we make!"

Me
"Yeah, that'll be great.(?) We'll be able to see, in full 3D animation, a tradeshow booth that you will use to promote the possible sale of hinges."

I'm hoping that this new domain, although lacking a website, will help express the longing of the common man to be involved with something...someday...that is actually important.

"Hey guys! Let's expand the Bill of Rights to include shelter, food, water, transportation, education, and medical care as state-provided basic rights.
Oh yeah, and let's mandate child-rearing prerequisites and training."

Something like that.

My enthusiasm for previsualization of dog food sales displays is waning.

Star Spanguled Banner = Still Waving

Post-Election "Home of The" Status:

Are we still free?
Mostly. Could I do this *unzip* in a public place if we were weren't?

Are we stil brave?
I personally have never had my bravery really tested.
Blind dates a possible exception.
I do frequently cut and run when presented with a losing scenario though.
That's called cutting your losses.

Speedy Mercury

Apparently the planet Mercury will transit the sun on my 39th birthday - Wednesday November 8th.
Mercury is the god of what again?
"commerce, travel and thievery" ?
According to my court astrologer this means that I will go on a business trip and steal thermometers.

Always a bad idea

Diversity training today

I arrive in my "Kill God and let 'em all sort it out" t-shirt and suggest that diversity is a two way street - let's try popularizing Ramadan by making it more like Easter. I suggest little chocolate Korans. I point out that eating one's God in a purely abstract sense has generated lots of revenue for the Catholics.

I'm hoping things go better at Sexual Harassment training.
I can see my next review..
Sexual Harassment: Exceeds Expectations

Alarming Trends

Although I have lost 38 pounds, recent analysis indicates that my keys will weigh more than me by the year 2100. At that time, flood water from global warming will cover most of the continental land masses - clearly a bad time to be weighed down with hundreds of pounds of metal keys.

I currently have more than a dozen keys, a small fraction of my overall weight.

Consider carbon

What a present!

"Here's some carbon baby!"
"It's indistinguishable from crystal but is 10 times more expensive!"

Now I've got this to compete with.



304 carats. Great.

"Look, I don't care if the North Koreans DO have a nuke, I am not getting you anything fissionable for our engagement."

Based on real life events

As I strive to make the largest burrito since the Apollo program I am reminded of the plight of our brave astronauts. In honor of their svelt Protestant bods I am endeavouring to make this burrito as low in carbohydrates as possible and then return it safely to the Earth.
God bless America and the horse it rode in on.
Good night.

Also the Romans

The Romans were nuts!
N-V-T-S nuts!
*Credit to Mel Brooks on that one

Life'f better

Iambf food for catf

Sweetness up in here

Core 2 Duo 2.4GHz Intel processor, overclocked to 3.2GHz
That's like an effective 6.4GHz for threaded applications.
2 gigs of PC6400 RAM
PCI-X expansion slot yet to be used.
This is a killer PC system and it hides in a classic Mac G4 case and it cost less than $700.

PC in a Mac

My dual-core PC in a Mac project is:
A) Off the hizzy
B) In the hizzy

I'm using it at work. Pictures to follow.

ATHF in February

The Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie has a tentative release date of February.
If this diet of tainted spinach doesn't kill me by then I will psyched!
Symptoms:
1) Foamy green diarrhea
2) Glitter or carbonation in urine
3) Luminous retinas and inverted hives on contact with any "O"s cereal
(Froot Loops included)
4) Cravings for carbohydrates

No more Paisley

Sadly I can no longer blame my lack of professional success on my previous employer Paisley the ferret. She has died.
I will miss her painless but furious play bites, her chirping, scampering, chaotic gallop down my hallway and her loving attention.
Such a precious tiny little monster/angel.
Less than one pound, but more than a match for me.

30 down

I've lost 30 pounds!

List of other body parts to jettison:
Navel - unused
Toe nails - unused
Appendix - unused

Ooch.
I can see where you might go with this list if you were a wiseass.

Forget I said anything.

Science is not funny

Vacuum cleaner?
Isn't that redundant.
My vacuum is already clean.

Is this thing on ?!

What are you people, zombies?

Oh, and about Pluto.
It has few representatives at the IAU, so I suspect it will be bullied and probably invaded by a force of IAU Security Council goons in the near future.
However...as someone who's done some inappropriate stuff at a circus, I can tell you, dwarfs are mean.

Pennsic

"Fighting to keep Pennsylvania crazy and violent since 1031."

I keed, I keed!
Good luck to our ambassaor to the past, Mike Monikowski.

But now you've missed "Snakes on a Plane"
It's a GREAT movie.

For me to poop on!

Swedish furniture

Ikea:

Lack.

It's called Lack. Not black.

LACK!

Like what there is in this sentence...

...of logic!

Geeks only - not funny

I just built a new computer and am quite surprised at how things have changed.

New processor - Intel back in business
First of all, the new Core 2 Duo processors from Intel (also called "Conroes") are simply so fast and can handle so much overclocking in addition, that there is simply nothing left that I can imagine anyone even wanting anymore. If for some reason you can't part with the $700-$1000 needed to get a real system like this you can bet your ass that the old ones, no matter how great they were, will soon be getting blown out for crazy cheap prices. AMD-based systems with Athlon 64's are now basically door stops, as are the old Pentium dual core machines.

Mid-range prices are up
It seemed there for a while that things would never again see the big performance leaps we expect in technology. For years we crept along with little improvements in clock speeds. Well, the clock speeds are all the same still (2 to 3 gigahertz) but the performance is off the damn scale. The system I just built has the exact same clock speed as my 3-year old system but is easily 4 times faster. There was a time when $100 CPUs reigned...along with $70 motherboards and $50 a gigabyte memory. They were a bit slower than the thousand dollar systems, but only idiots payed out the ass for the latest CPU. It looks like that has changed a bit now too. The new CPUs, motherboards, and DDR-2 memory are often double the prices we've come to expect and might stay that way for some time. Cheap systems (<$700) are now crappy systems. A cheap system today will be 4-6 times slower than the mid-range ($700-$1000) system. The premium systems are still not worth it but the free ride is over. The mid-range systems are now the sweet spot.

Overclocking is worth it again
For a while the business of pushing your computer beyond it's normal limits seemed like a waste of time and lots of money. Nitwits would water cool and nitrogen cool their "rigs" to get 25% more performance for hundreds of dollars. Screw that shit!
Now you can get a simple massive air cooler for $70 and squeeze out huge results. Just like with those sweet Celerons (anyone?) you can just turn up the speed dial and get a machine that's 50% faster or more...it pays.
My new system is running at a 40% overclock and I've just been tweaking it with minimal effort.

Who cares?
I don't know. Maybe we don't need faster computers.
Here are the only justifications I can think of:
Content creation (3D, digital video)
Games
High-definition video playback
Science
If you like Microsoft Office and Powerpoint and just use email and web browsing all day - good news! You can pick up a previous generation dinosaur that will be screaming fast for those rudimentary programs for next to nothing. Or just ignore the whole thing and wait for your current machine to crap out. You don't give a shit anyway so stop wasting my time. Oh, wait, I'm wasting your time.

No more anything, ever!

Damn you terrorists!
I had to throw out all my explosive beverages!

It's obvious that we need to ban everything, immediately!
What about colon-based explosive-liquid-filled condom IEDs triggered by a digital watch? Anything is possible, right? So let's live in fear and pass insane restrictions.

I say we drug and thoroughly detonate passengers during luggage check-in and then confiscate all surviving iPods, laptops, beverages, shampoo, nail files, pens and pencils and open a nifty duty-free shop to fund the war on terrorism.

We keep going after the tools of terrorism and ignoring the cause - our constant ass-fucking of insane hyper-religious cultures.

EVERYTHING is a terrorist tool! Anyone ever watch Mythbusters? MacGuyver?
But hey, if it saves one life.
I say fuck 'em! Sell fully automatic weapons, hardcore porn, and smack right off the goddamn beverage cart, at least we'll be free. And that way any potential terrorists will have a horny bunch of dope-addled, heavily-armed 'Minuteman' passengers to contend with.

I'm losing it.

Sorry for my lack of updates

I haven't updated nor apologized for my lack of updates in far too long.
Follow me?

OK, pay attention this time.
A. I update too infrequently
B. I do not apologize for this often enough

There WAS that one yesterday.
And this one.
I'm still sorry though.
I'm so busy lately.

Is that the worlds tiniest violin?
https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog

Babs' uvula!

It's time for democracy!
Time to vote in the primary for "not Leiberman" candidate Ned Lamont.
That'll change everything!
http://www.nedlamont.com/

Then we'll pull out of the middle-east completely! So long suckers!

Wait, no, that'll never happen. But we might cut our losses in Iraq?
Fat chance but you never know. Ah screw it.

Me and my gal

409 to 388!
We're like the fucking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of Scrabble!
Except we weigh more.

see and that doesn't even require you to take all your clothes off.

said you must be experiencing "missing time".
We were talking about that earlier.
Remember?

*black-out*

you can't just save them anywhere right?

What?!

The WMV profiles we've been talking about for the last 3 hours.

Phone etiquette

From now on when I call someone I'm not saying hello anymore.
I'm just going to shout "Hey stupid, get a pencil, take this down!"

Atkins Prison

Johnny Cash came to me in a dream and lo he sang.

[To the tune of Folsom Prison]

When I was just a baby
My momma told me son
Always be a good boy use your Fritos
Don't ever play with guns
But I shot a man in Reno with Fritos
Just to watch him die

This is REALLY what happened to me last night.

10 pounds gone

I have lost one "Marvin" in weight.

Atkins! Hope it doesn't kill me before it saves my life.
An eighth of a ton...I blame society.
Of which I am a member.
If you get my point.

The Lady on the Night Table

I found a half-inch copper torch on my bedside table.

Conclusion: nocturnal visitations by tiny Statues of Liberty.

Oh yeah, the Korean missile crisis

So North Korea has an ICBM it wants to test fire out over the Pacific.
Maybe it can reach the US.
Hey, no warhead on it, but still.
So El Presidente and his advisors are thinking maybe blow it up on the launchpad with a sub-launched cruise missile.
Anyone heard this?
Why is there NOTHING on the news?
They talk about the missile but no one is mentioning how we're likely to put the remote control boom-boom on the joint.
It might make the North Koreans or Chinese or South Koreans or Japanese and/or all humans somewhat nervous to hear about such a development.
I hope the World Cup is getting enough coverage.
"Zero to zero after an hour and a half of play."
Zzzzzz.

Straight to heaven

My one superpower, based on my weight, is that I can properly crush any box for recycling. Maximum - 3 feet by 3 feet.
This is the redeeming characteristic I'm expecting will get me into heaven.

Healthy competition

Countering recent price cuts by competitor Intel, AMD announced today it's new octuple-core processor architecture codenamed "Fejaslee Blowfane"
(fedge-uh-slee blow-fane)
In a press release, AMD stated that "This will assure we remain the vanguard of codenaming for the next several years."

New job keeping kids from hanging out in front of the drug store

This community college is sweet - crazy benefits, small department full of nutty intellectuals, casual clothes, nice office, speedy commute, non-harmful organization, lots of cool tech.
It's slow right now because it's summer so I'll have time to learn all their systems before major courses start in the fall. I hope I can groove here for a long time.

Thank you for your silence

When I inserted the Q-tip in my ear and said,
"It's just a habit.
I don't know why I do this.
There's nothing in there."
thank you for not saying anything.

Hissing

Why is this cat hissing at me?

Burping it doesn't seem to have helped any.

Jane Austen-tatious!

I'm considering writing a series of Jane Austen sequels in the form of classic arcade games. No, not really.
As Austen knew though, it's all about choosing a good title.
Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Like that.

The phonetic start of the words must be the same but they must not share a common meaning or base word. Also, it's good to have them be based on a unifying concept.

Crab fishermen in the Bering Strait
= Pinheads and Pincers

Stealing the fruit basket from an unconscious patient
= Hospital and Hospitality

It's fun kids, make your own!
A-to-Z! I'll get you started...
Ass and Aspirin
Bassinets and Basketballs
Condoms and Condiments

Having never read Jane Austen, nor seen any of the dreadful movies, I have no educated commentary other than to mock the titles of her books.
I would be a real bastard if I didn't give credit to http://austentatious.blogspot.com/, a real Jane Austen blog that isn't that funny but perhaps will tell you something about Jane Austen.

Keeping Connecticut more smarter

I have secured a position with the state at a community college as a Media Information Technology Innovation Associate of Something. My duties will encompass changing the urinal cakes and keeping greasy fingerprints off the glass doors in the Student Center.
My current superior, Paisley the ferret, is upset that I will be leaving my post here at home but I have given her 3 pieces of peanut butter cereal and I think she feels better now. I feel that she has been holding me back from achieving my full potential. I am over 200 times heavier and at least 1.5 times smarter than her and have always been uncomfortable calling her "boss" despite her formidable claws and teeth.
My colleagues, Sam and Marvin the cats, are holding a week-long going away bash for me. By "going away bash" they apparently mean sleeping in front of the windows and basking in the sun until drool pools around their heads. "When in Rome"...am I right?

Seriously, I wasn't cut out for crushing poverty and living with animals. I send my profound thanks to the nice folks at the college and look forward to sharing the skills I've developed as a freelancer...sleeping until 3:00PM and making a big mess.

Rent is killing me

"Rent" the movie.

Ready!
Aim!
SING!

Now I need to blow the insipid songs out of my head with a fucking bullet.

If you can't stand La Boheme for 4 hours what you need is 2 hours of this shit.
I'd rather see La Boheme on a non-stop roller coaster for 3 months with my underpants full of steel wool and drill bits.

Ghost nitwits

An American Haunting - When your daughter is the victim of a violent poltergeist I think it's been shown that the best thing to do is SOMETHING.

"Every night she's hanging by her hair, getting speed-slapped by demons, the windows explode, she gets ghost-raped, and then we can't get into her room.
It's crazy...for like a month now.
Still, I tuck her in and hope for the best.
Oh and my husband is being killed by demons also..coughing up blood all night...what a mess. I sure hope they stop. More tea?"

Idiots!

Hell on Earth

Wow, I lasted one day. 11PM-8AM...by 3AM I felt like literally throwing up. These companies are barely sub-infinite tangles of servers, OSes, mainframes, proprietary command-lines and hundred of terabytes of files.
What the hell?! - a tape backup system with 400 80GB cartidges? 32,000 gigabytes in just ONE data center. These companies aren't building nuclear weapons or simulating black holes, it's just fucking paperwork! They don't produce ANYTHING!

And the environment - windowless, open floorplan, squeeky loud ventilation, fluorescent lights, no breaks, no lunch, and I'm 3 locked doors away from a speedy escape. I'd compare it to something out of 'Brazil' but it was so much worse.
Christ, humans were not meant to work in those environments and at those hours. That place was unfit for a planaria, much less an attractive upper mammal like myself.

'Don't ever work for an insurance company' seems to be the lesson I've learned in my first 40 years.
Onward and upward I guess.

Easter Races

Top-fuel, alcohol-burning, nitrous-blown, funny car, all-Jesus drag race the wrong way down I-95!

25 fire-breathing Catholic-themed funny cars driven by Our Lord Christ himself take to the public throughway to show who's got the goods to shut down the unbelievers!

IAEA-sanctioned Trident-launched fireworks after sunset for the whole family!

Full-time reaping

Next week I start my horrid, third-shift, vaguely-defined, IT drudgery job for the innovative and exciting startup Traveller's insurance.
11:30PM to 8:00AM, that leaves plenty of time for..
Friends?
Family?
Movies?
Shopping?

I'm praying for tripods.


Nothing says quitting time like...

It's just like here

Just don't go to Japan...because apparently this is what will happen.
I really don't think there is anything I can say about this.
Click here to see the thing.

D for Democracy

We needn't blow things up and make with the stabby-shooty to get our way.
We can just move to a country that thinks more like we do..and learn their language.
Maybe.
Get it while it's hot kids!

Incomepoop

This is just to notify the federal government that I will be expecting all that money I gave you back this year. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but I think we need to settle up. If you need to take the interstate highway out of my back yard I will understand. I won't need it anymore since I can no longer afford a car or insurance. Also...any foreign invaders? Yeah, I'll take the hit if they come knocking.
The Japanese attacked our fleet once but they look too busy figuring out how to medicate themselves properly to bother with that again anytime soon. Speaking of which, I also want healthcare.
Thanks for being there for me,
Ken

Stink

Just because you can't smell doesn't mean you don't smell.

For every action

As cows all over the world disappear...
http://www.cowabduction.com/
...I find myself the unwilling recipient of innumerable cows from alien spacecraft.

My small yard, less than 0.25 acres, is unable to support even one cow during a harsh winter and the ones that have been turned inside-out, although vibrantly colored and miraculously alive, cannot feed themselves nor provide me with the milk I need to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle.

I will be contacting the "grays" and reminding them who is in charge.

Simple misunderstanding

After extensive experience it occurs to me, only now, that there is a substantial difference between...
The Half Moon Sober Festival
and
The Half Sober Moon Festival.
I apologize to any folks in recovery that I may have offended with my "display".

Another dollar

There is another button on your alarm clock.
When the clock goes off in the morning you can press the button and you will skip forward in time to 5:00 P.M.
You will learn and experience nothing.
You will age 8 hours as usual but perceive no time passing.
Zap! It's quitting time.
You still get paid.
How often will you press the button?
Will you press it tomorrow, Monday morning, when you get up?

Hoboken! Oooo, I'm dyin' again!

The penguin of winter has woken me from dreamy slumber...



...and taken a big crap on me.

Toothless Wookies and Worthless Turkeys

Mistuh Prez-oh-dent, where do I get a job?
Seriously, I need a job.
Can I pay credit cards with cat poop?

Seattle Seahawks: Seismically challenged

They are from a more seismically active area than Pittsburgh and therefore lost.
It's just a fact.
I'm not trying to put down the Steelers but they do have the advantage of living in an area almost totally free of earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis.
Oh, and mud and debris flows, and lahars.
It's not even really a fair game when you have to play a bunch of privileged mid-continental asswipes.

Solid, liquid, gas, plasma and...

The stuff stuck to the bottom of my left shoe is this sort of Bose-Einstein condensate.
I *HAVE* been keeping my left show in a laser cooler...
..and...yes...I *WAS* making optical mollases out of rubidium.

Maybe I can use a spatula or spatulae to scrape it off.

Steve, you ARE the expert on this application...do you have anything to contribute?
Here's all you need to know about the non-spatula(e) issues.
http://www.colorado.edu/physics/2000/bec/

This just in: Ow!

I hurt my hand.
Don't worry, I'll be okay.
I'll tell ya, I don't even feel the fingers anymore.
Ooooch.

6 blades: New national imperative

2 blades, 3 blades, 4 blades...
holy shit!

5 blades.
This thing is so totally going to shave my fucking face that I will probably die!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9340767/

The "Fusion" aspect may not be a good idea. (?)
You've got all kinds of lymph nodes in your neck.

By the way, top four biggest sources of US imported oil...
Canada, Mexico, Nigeria, Venezuela?
Is that right?
The mid-east provides about 20% of our oil?

Once again, I propose that the best mid-east doctrine is to ignore them.
Completely.

Messages from my computer

My computer just alerted me to the following, no joke...

"Verifying The Incredible..."

That was its way of telling me that the volume called "The Incredibles HD" was verified. It apparently ran out of letters.

Lord of Chaos!

My friends are all either self-destructing or being destroyed by a swirling vortex of chaos this month.

Betrayal!
Assault!
Kidnapping!

Maybe February will be better.
Hey, Valentines Day always cheers people up.
?

Screw it

It's too windy to go to Pluto, I'm going back to bed.

This is Atlas launch control, LO2 at 60%

We're sending a rocket to Pluto today.
http://pluto.jhuapl.edu/launch/index.php

Also, I think my horrible singing has broken my thermostat.
I was singing "If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring." etc.

Atlas launch control says that "all steps through 247 are complete."
...so you've got to be happy about that.

Euphemisms

girlswithbadbacks.com
That has a certain ring to it.
(pornonthecob.com is apparently already taken)

In other news...

On this personally tragic day I think I'd like to quote DEVO:
It's a beautiful world we live in,
a sweet, romantic place.
Beautiful people everywhere,
the way they show they care
makes me want to say,
It's a beautiful world.

We brothers got to stick together.

Happy New Year!

A disgusting abomination in a galaxy of terror?

No, that's the cat box.

Transit trike "Pedal faster cityboy!"

Idiot New Yorkers! Ha! Trains and buses - that'll never work!
The rest of us use cars and we'll stop at nothing - even poisoning the atmosphere!

Oh, I made myself sad.

As if you didn't know

I was, of course, referring to the Isaiah I. Jefferson Memorial Maritime Alligator Table.
Why, what did you think?

I vote for "Die Trying"

I know, that's just mean.
Sorry.

Lunesta: The horses can't save you.

"There's a horse downstairs...
and it's acting like Jesus."

That is what one person had as a hallucination induced by my current sleep aid.
For me it just makes everything taste bitter.
Plus I don't have a downstairs.
Ranch baby!
Any horses acting like Jesus will just have to wait in the living room.

Time to try some warm milk, or maybe someone can hit me with a golf club or something.
This shit is too crazy for me.

What's a guhgortion?

Let's see...
38 x 4 + 3 = 155

Yes, I'm in my 155th trimester.
This is how I look on ultrasound.

Looks like mom shoulda lightened up on the mixed drinks.

My super powers

1. Hot Feet
The ability to make my feet warm by simply concentrating on it. They actually get hot to the touch if I visualize pulling boots off my frozen feet, like when I was a kid and came in from playing in the snow.

2. Super-Corrected Vision
Using contact lenses my vision is corrected to better than 20/20, often registering 20/5. This means I can see at 20 feet what people with "perfect" vision can see at 5 feet.

I sometimes wonder if that might be due to my optometrist's somewhat lackluster homemade eyechart.

The grays are back

Three of them.
Short, 4-feet tall, dull gray skin like a dolphin, big black angry featureless eyes.
They think I'm paralyzed as I lie there in bed, eyes wide open in mock terror.
They are close. They're built like walking rootballs - gangly, weak limbs, fragile paper-thin skeletons, bloated midsections like pumpkins. Too much time in the comfort of low gravity.
I lash out and hit one in the head with the bedside stained glass lamp. Shards of leaded glass stick in it's soft oversized noggin like porcupine quills. The heavy wrought iron lamp base, covered in felt, butts it right in the face like a speeding black iron wall.
I kick with both feet from my lying position and connect with the second ones distended abdomen, it stumbles backward and hits it's melon head against the rock-hard plasterboard wall. I pull off one of it's long spindly arms like a turkey leg and reach out to trip the third one who is running like a scared little girl with it's hands in the air. It falls through the open bedroom door face first and slides into the hallway.
Three more for my research colleagues at the UCONN medical center.
I wonder if the visitors are figuring out that the sleep hypnosis device is counteracted by my anti-depressants?


So many now. So stupid. So trusting.
It's almost sad.

Flush with confidence

After several days of rain my front yard has been excavated and a totally new sewer line installed from the house to the MDC West Hartford sewer system.
My quality of life will improve dramatically with this major expenditure.
I can flush huge objects now.
I'm beginning with an old desk and a radial arm saw.

Busty cops deployed to assist in disaster

Don't believe the hype.
I don't think busty cops and erotic cakes are going to help as much as we've been told by our government.

Plus..."Assist in disaster"?
Is that really the way that should read?
They might be making things WORSE on purpose!
Such are the nuances of the written language.

Anti-hurricane vests and balms unproven

Clearly hurricane prevention technology is still in it's infancy. I think when it's a mature and proven technology we should roll it out and help these people. Sure it's too late now but I can only imagine that they'd appreciate the gesture in lieu of any other kind of support.
Hey, what could it hurt?

Things I'm glad aren't in my general area...
25 feet of water
Feces
Urine
Alligators
Snakes (see https://www.geneticmail.com/mailgene/blog/steve/steveblog)
Armed gunmen
Corpses
135 mile-per-hour winds

It's gotta suck I should imagine.

I think I'll give someone who handles this sort of thing some money.
Wait, isn't the government supposed to help people in some way?
Guess not.

Mayday!

"9-1-1...emergency services."

---"THERE'S A WOMAN IN MY HOUSE!"

"Sir, calm down."

---"ANIMALS...STRANGE ANIMALS!"

"Is this an emergency? Are you OK? What is your address...where are you..."

---"THE LITTLE ONE IS BITING!"

"What is the nature of your emergency?"

---"Actually, it kind of tickles. (laughing)..look at that...she can't break the skin!"

"Idiot."

Day Three

Now there is Marvin. He is a medicated cat, slower than he was last week.
He is still freaked out by his new surroundings and will not be meeting Sam until September 15th.
You are apparently supposed to make sure male cats adapt to sharing their environments for a time before actually allowing them to meet face to face.

Marvin refused to be photographed for this article.